to be sad that i won't see my mum, dad and close family at xmas?

[superv1xen]

ever since i was a baby the christmas tradition has been for me, my brother and my parents to spend christmas at my aunt and uncle's 100 miles away. growing up we had some great christmas's there, they have a working farm in gloucestershire, so as a child i used to love it. my cousins live and work there too who i am close to and are similar ages as me and my brother.

the farmhouse is very old and therefore quite cold so its not that comfortable sleeping there. so last year me, DP and the DC just drove there on boxing day morning, stayed a few hours to exchange presents and went home the same day, because i wanted to see my family as i always have done and for them to see us and the kids. but it was exhausting for us all and we didn't even get to see much of my relatives because as its a working farm, they are always having to nip in and out to do farm stuff and can't just sit down for hours chatting drinking tea etc.

so this year i have reluctantly agreed we are not going to go at all :( basically just because dp doesnt want to, he doesnt like how cold it is there, doesnt want to spend the money on petrol to get there as we are quite skint, and to be honest i don't think he is that keen on my relatives :(

but it is all i have ever done for 30 years, spent christmas with my family and i am sad that i won't see them this year. and my parents and brother always stay there from christmas eve till new years day so the whole christmas period i won't see them.

yet on christmas day we are spending it with HIS family. and i won't even have both DC with me as my eldest is not DP's and is spending it with his bio dad.

i really am not looking forward to it one bit whereas previous years i have always really really looked forward to it :( plus DS absolutely loves it there and he will miss out. i havent even wrapped presents or anything because i just cant get into the spirit of it.

sorry for long rambling post.

I think YABU. You have done the same thing every year "since you were a baby"

There's a lot of "I" in your post...its all a bit Me, me, me.

I don't think you're YABU about being sad however just becuase you've done christmas this way for x number of years is not really fair on your DP. As you appear not to want to accomadate his family in your christmas.

If you see his family this Christams then by all means save up for the petrol for next years early on and have a discussion about what you will be doing next year. (BTW a cold farmhouse is not really a good reason not to do christmas there EVERY year, get him some thermals this year ready for next! or take a small portable radiator for the bedroom).

yeah i can see that shanahan but its also about my children who won't see their grandparents and other family, and my family who won't see us and their grandkids. and it isn't like DP wouldn't have seen his family as if we had have gone to my relatives it would have been boxing day.

so i do of course want to accomodate DP's family too, he doesnt seem to want to accomodate mine though or care much that i won't see them at christmas :(

aw YANBU, you'll need to try and change how you view the christmas period now though as you have your own family and need to try and move on a little from your christmas's as a child to now. I know that's hard, i'm facing a similar thing, although for me it's been a couple of years now since I was able to enjoy what I have always been used to. It still makes me sad though. For me it's more because my Dad doesn't appear to want me or probably more accurately his wife doesn't want my children there at all over christmas. My brother and sister are seeing them on 28th but we're not 'invited'

Sorry for the moan

I'm not going to let it spoil my christmas though, we're off to MIL with all of dh's family so we're going to have loads of fun and if I can't see my Dad then that's his problem

I think it's good to occassionally not do 'the things you have always done', to check if you are doing them because you want to or just out of habit.

By your own description, if you went it would be expensive (when you can ill afford it), cold, exhausting, and you wouldn't get to see much of your relatives anyway as it's a working farm.

Does that really sound like fun? It doesn't sound like something I would want to do.

Concentrate on having a lovely Christmas where you are.

I presume that your parents see your children at other times of the year? Yes your dp is being a bit of a dick however if he has his way this year, his parents christmas day and no driving boxing day just relaxing family time. Then you can agree now to a reciprocal agreement next year i.e. christams day and boxing day with your family (or at least a sedate drive home without having to host his family on arrival home...

It isn't the end of the world and saying that your dc's will miss them (your parents) is abit far fetched, I doubt they will really notice, they will have a set of gp's and the excitement of christmas to more than make up for things.

Being a grown up and in a relationship means that sometimes you do just have to suck it up and make it good for your family whoever's there (as your dp will have to do next year!)

I understand why you're sad, but I'm not sure what you are suggesting you and DP should do?

It sounds like you tried doing a quick visit last year and neither of you really enjoyed it.

What are you suggesting instead - are you saying you should both go to the farm for a longer visit (and not see DP's family)?

Could you alternate maybe - have a longer trip to your family one year, then a longer trip to DP's family the next year. That's less expensive petrol wise and less exhausting.

I found it a bit hard when I was first married to not spend Christmas with my mum dad sis and bro.But now I have two DSs,and we want to have our own memories and traditions.
You will get out of Christmas what you put in.Try to stay positive and happy. Your relatives sound lovely.I'm sure you could start a tradition of going there in the Summer for a special date too.Might be more comfortable too.
My mum was a bit sad the first Christmas or so,but now she is fine. We go on Boxing day for a few days.The boys and DH love Christmas day at home in our own house. Just relax and enjoy the day. That 30 year history is over now,time to start a new chapter!

I'm not seeing my parents over Christmas either. It is a bit sad not seeing them as well as other friends and family but that's what happens when you live 250 miles away. tbh I'm relieved we don't have to make the journey with the weather this year.

I don't think you can expect your dh to do 'your' Xmas every year, he should get to spend some Xmases with his parents. Dh and I have a 3 year rotation between staying at home, having Xmas with my parents and Xmas with his parents.

Totally agree that you get out what you put in, make it nice for your ds2.

My favourite Christmases are us four tbh.

Have ILs neverseen their GC on Christmas Day, then?

I agree, surely if you have always gone to your family then it only fair to go to his (DP) family for a change?

It is sad that you won't be going to see your family but it is time to start your own traditions with your own family.

YANBU to feel sad but perhaps it's time for a change.
I'm not seeing my parents until after Christmas we are having a big family party on the 26th at my sisters, That suits everybody aswe can all have our Christmas with our individual families then get to se eveyone a couple of days later

sorry if i was unclear in my OP - its not that we have always gone to my family instead of DP's family, we have always gone to both and this year we are only going to his the usual thing we do is go to his family xmas day then mine on boxing day.

the posters that have said i need to start my own traditions with my own family are right, i know, maybe i am too set in my ways and i need to accept that xmas as i know it has come to an end :(

YANBU to feel sad but frankly, not seeing your family over Xmas is one of those compromises you make when you grow up and get married. We alternate ours between families and I hate not being with mine but that's the deal. It would hardly be fair to insist that we spend every Xmas with my family and never see DH's lot.

Why not just take it in turns?

I haven't been with my parents on Christmas since 2003, and my brother wasn't there because of being in Iraq. The last time we were all together was 2001 I think.

We had planned on going to the USA this Christmas but I lost my job so we can't afford it. We went to PILs last year and were miserable, so this year are spending it on our own with DS.

You can be sad about it, or you can suck it up and make the best of things. I have great memories of Christmas with my dad's family, but since my grandpa died and grandma went into a nursing home and all the aunts and uncles squabbled amongst themselves over all of it, I know it wouldn't be the same anymore. I have my memories, that is enough. It's never going to be the same again, and it is time to have traditions of my own.

Aw, YABU but I understand!

Last year was the first time I didn't do the same, amazing traditional Christmas with big extended family as I have done since I was born!

We live in a different country from my family, so up until last year (when we got married) we either went to own seperate families or DH came to mine (as we didn't see them as much during the year, obviously).

Last year I thought it was time to start making our own traditions and to also be fair on DH (he works Christams eve, so the airport horror was always a bit of a drag) and so I suggested we went to his DP's.

And you know what? I treated it as a totally 'different' Christmas, not a comparison and had a lovely time. Didn't even miss my own as much as I thought because I had accepted that things changing isn't always a bad thing, it's a sign of progress and evolution in your life

This year we are with my DPs, but in a totally different location, so it is new for everyone! Looking forward to it.

Look at it not as 'All good things must come to an end' but 'all good things change continually'

Accept your decision and relax and enjoy - there are lots of other years to come, here's hoping x

lovely post tante thank you :)