to ask for a "cap" on the number of presents bought by MIL?

[parakeet]

When it comes to buying presents, DH and I have a modest spending limit on presents for each other, and have got our two young children 6 or 7 presents each, things like books, dolls and games, several of which are second hand. It's for several reasons: financial, environmental, practical (no room in the house for more stuff!), and just our overall philosophy of not wanting to encourage materialism in our children. I'm not judging parents who do it differently, just giving you the background.

The trouble is, my MIL does not share our philosophy at all, and I know that she has got each child a large bin-bag-full of presents. What's the point of us even trying when she does this? I worry she is spoiling them and they will come to associate Christmas with a mountain of presents - and may come to look down on our meagre offerings in comparison.

It's too late for this year, but would I be unreasonable to ask her to stick to no more than ten presents per child next year?

YANBU to ask, YABU if you got preachy about it. They will not be spoiled as they are being 'raised right'

My s-i-l has done that this year I know he NBU but it is so hard.I have bought 1 big pressie,1 book and 6 stocking presents for each child.

Well on the face of it 10 presents per child is a very generous limit. So you don't sound very unreasonable. But the problem is your MIL probably disagrees with your philosophy and that's why she's doing this - so it will be difficult to persuade her to go along with what you suggest.

I think the 'no room for any more toys' line is likely to be more successful.

And when they get older and can't do without an xbox/ipad you can tell them to ask Granny for it.

Yabu. What's the point of teaching your children to be environmentally friendly and non materialistic if this involves upsetting and insulting someone who loves them? Don't disagree with your principles but you need to get some balance.

They are her grandchildren and it's understandable that she wants to spoil them a bit.

You'd have to be very tactful about it. Maybe you could talk to her about them feeling overwhelmed by so many presents on one day and not having time to play with them all properly. Could she buy them half the amount of presents at Christmas and the other half at New Year or on some random day in mid-summer just to space it out a bit?

But is it really upsetting and insulting? That's what I'm asking.

If someone gets upset over a reasonable request, that's their problem.

My question is, Is it a reasonable request?

YANBU. We've asked MIL, and my own parents, not to spend more than £30 on DS, and they're happy to go along with it.

We just don't have the room for the hundreds of toys that I know they would buy him given half a chance. Now all I have to do is stop MIL buying him expensive and age inappropriate presents for no reason the rest of the year...

I have had this issue with MiL and DH for years! Now we have DS it will be worse. Trouble is, she associates spending with love and gets genuinely upset if asked to keep to limits as she interprets that as not being allowed to love.

Is there a reason for the way she is spending? If you know what it is then it will help you tackle it.

Her reason is, she loves her grandchildren to bits and she is a shopaholic anyway, so the outcome is inevitable.

To be fair, she is probably not spending huge amounts (yet - although I dread when they are old enough for laptops and the like), it's just the sheer number and volume of presents is overwhelming. We literally don't have room for them. We have had to put carrier bags full of soft toys into the loft, then eventually just give them to charity.

Hmm. Yabu. I've had this problem. But I thought, well these are her grandchildren and this is one of her ways of showing her love and in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a big deal so I let it go.

I always say, oh don't go mad, you know you don't need to get a lot. In a gentle way. But I don't want to spoil anyone's day over something so small

I think it's entirely reasonable to put a limit on presents. I too don't want my daughter spoilt- she's only 3 months now- but I'm already laying the groundrules that no grandparent is allowed to go over the top with presents.

They're YOUR children and YOU and YOUR DH decide how to bring them up.

Gettin glots of christmas presents didn't spoil my dds at all. I had control over that. And their relationship with their grandparents is far too important to tarnish it for no good reason.

I've had this problem. Last year MiL bought my four a sack and stocking full of tat, but they all got exactly the same stuff (e.g a small chalkboard, cards, 100 crayons each-still got three boxes left!). Most ended up binned as it broke that day. We suggested this year she buys them one big present, and she is getting them all a football kit. I don't know if she was offended as OH did the talking but I think he used the 'no room for lots of stuff' line- which is true TBF!

YANBU provided that you make your request early on. Maybe say something in January (not on Christmas Day) and then remind her in September?

Maybe suggest to MiL that she spends the money on an activity with the children instead? A lovely day out has greater value in my opinion.

I think cat64's suggestion is excellent. It's not hurting anyone's feelings. I remember when my parents became grandparents for the first time and how hurt I felt for them when sister and BIL started laying down rules about what they could and couldn't buy for the grandchildren and how desperately my parents tried to please them and not 'annoy' them. I swore, then and there, I would never treat them like that, even if it meant storing stuff in the attic and bringing out toys month by month.

Oh dear. I feel mean now.

Thanks for all the replies. You have all given me lots to think about.

Sorry,I wasn't trying to make you feel mean. If I had been the first child to have grandchildren I might have done the same but I had the benefit of seeing first hand how hurtful it could be and that's why I wouldn't do it.

We've judt been blunt with everyone and said we don't have space. It's true, and all the grandpparents have accepted this (well, apart from my well-intentioned Nan who just can't resist a charity shop - she's deadly!)

If your MIL doesn't agree with your philosophy (which sounds like a perfectly fine attitude to life to me, but I guess she's not that way minded) then try and approach it from a strictly practical front. That way it'll sound less as though you disapprove of her (which she might be thinking) annd more that you don't want her money to go waste on toys your DC don't have the room to enjoy properly.

The compromise I have reached is being very specific and proactive. Eg in SEPTEMBER I start saying what would be wonderful presents. MY mil loves to know she's got us something we love and I get some control re the volume of stuff that enters my small house.

Last year they (we have 3) got cameras (expensive but blissfully small and potentially creative) and we got a family pass to several local attractions (the gift that keeps on giving, expensive so fufils pil desire to spend lots, takes up no room in house, has no impact on dc what so ever).

This year I have been very very practical. So they are getting new lunch boxes, water bottles, pajamas, party outfits. All stuff they needed and mil is thrilled she gets to choose it all. So dd will go to a party in full on princess bling-she'll be thrilled and mil will be bursting with pride and it's one less thing for me to buy/think about.

The first christmas involved huge binbags, an advent calendar for each of us including the cat and out gifts to each other looked so weedy!

Try and reach a compromise that is tactful but suits you.

This sounds just like my MIL. Shell then make snide comments about how many toys Ds has. I just say yes that's because you buy them all. He has duplicates and duplicates of some things!

Surely some of the presents can stay at her house for when they visit