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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is out of order?

19 replies

DitzyLiz · 22/12/2010 13:40

Hey,

first post here but have been viewing topics for a while and thought you lovely ladies may be able to give me some advice. This may turn out to be a bit long so apologies in advance!

Yesterday evening DP and I attended a party hosted by two of our best friends, who are a couple. Had a great time but a little bit too much drink had by everyone and I ended up feelling a bit nauseous so went for a lie down upstairs.

I woke about 3am feeling like death and wanting my own bed so came downstairs with a view to telling DP I wanted to go home. Everyone else had gone home at this point, so just my DP and our hosts left. I told him I wished to leave at which point he said 'Im staying', and long story short he left me to walk 25 mins home in the snow on my own.

This really pissed me off as I thought he should have left with me as the party was clearly over and I didnt really feel safe on my own at that time. However, wouldnt have been too concerned in the grand scheme of things but then what happened next also got me thinking.

He came home 10 mins after me (so no idea why he didnt just leave at the same time) and collapsed in a drnunked heap on the bathroom floor.

The female host then called me upset because after we left she had a big row with her partner but my phone cut out mid conversation (low battery) so I grabbed my partners with a view to ringing her back but she didnt answer so I went to send her a text but seen my DP had recently sent her a text saying 'hope you're ok. i know he might be upset with you but i hope you dont mind me saying you looked stunning tonight sorry if that's out of line but you did'. This really upset me as I think this is completely out of order to say to somebody when you have a partner. Thing is, my DP is very close to this female (and has been best friends with her DP for over 10 years) and has known her for years and years. She is a lovely woman and I know nothing would ever happen between them but this text just struck me as really disrespectful towards me.

I confronted him this morning and his excuse is that she was upset and he was trying to make her feel better about herself. He doesnt think he is unreasonable.

Wow finally finished, sorry its so long but wanted to get the whole night in. I would really appreciate your views as I genuinely dont know if im being unreasonable or not.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:

JodiesMummy · 22/12/2010 13:42

YADNBU! His behaviour is appalling.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 22/12/2010 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christmaswithtesrocks · 22/12/2010 13:49

Hi there

Sorry your first post here isn't a happy one but this is the place to come for sane and often invaluable help (from most MNetters )

Your DP should not have stayed at the party, without a doubt he should have walked home with you, I hope he has apologised enough for this.

I might be a little concerned about the text but he may have been saying this to make her feel better after the row she had with her partner? In my group of friends we have known each other enough to compliment one another - not by text admittedly - but you are the best person to judge if that text with inappropiate.

I'm sure you will get lots more opinions but it may help to show this to your DH so he appreciates fully how you are feeling. Tes x

Original poster

DitzyLiz · 22/12/2010 13:49

Thanks for the quick responses! I dont mind him complimenting a friend, it was more the comment 'i know this is out of line' that made me think it sounded inappropriate I guess, almost like he was doing something he shouldnt. I spoke to the female friend briefly when I seen her this morning and she said she thought he was just being nice to her so maybe I am reading too much into it.

OP posts:

taintedsnow · 22/12/2010 13:49

YAcertainlyBU about the compliment if it wasn't accompanied by any odd behaviour towards her.

But YADNBU about DP being a twat over leaving you to walk home alone, especially since he came home straight after (though that does suggest he realised the error of his ways so he may already be slightly sorry over that one).

LoveMyGirls · 22/12/2010 13:50

I don't understand why when he told you he was staying, you didn't go back to bed, surely a better option than walking home in the snow for half an hour feeling rough esp in the snow and at 3am?

Then you could have got a taxi together when he was ready to go?

Apart from that I think your dh was unreasonable because he knew the text he was sending was out of line because he said so in the text so he should apologise to you, also if my dh told me he didn't feel well and wanted to come home at 3am when the party was over I would have come with him so he should have come with you and should have insisted on a taxi because asking you to walk in the snow when you are unwell wasn't very fair imo.

But I don't think it's worth dragging the row on tbh, it's almost xmas, it's not something to split up over is it?

fel1x · 22/12/2010 13:52

He was an idiot to have left you to walk back on your own tbh but if the other couple had started a row soon after then I can see why he left only 10 mins later.
Also if your friends DP had said something horrible about her appearance during the row then it would be perfectly fine for your DP to compliment her like that to make her feel better I think, especuually if they are old friends

taintedsnow · 22/12/2010 13:52

Did DP say he knew it was out of line or what you first said he typed (the "sorry if that's out of line" part)? The difference in that would change the entire context of what happened.

If he said something he knew would offend, he was out of order. If it's the latter, and he just apologised if it was taken the wrong way, he's not wrong at all.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 22/12/2010 13:56

I think you all need to grow up a bit tbh- you shouldn't have flounced off and put yourself in danger, and your dp got so drunk he collapsed on the floor??

Seriously.

electra · 22/12/2010 13:59

YANBU - he was out of order on all counts. What kind of a man leaves their wife or girlfriend to walk home in the snow, alone at 3am when she's feeling ill?? How long have you been with him? Is this kind of behaviour usual for him?

NinkyNonker · 22/12/2010 13:59

I don't necessarily think the sentiment of the text is wrong, but the wordind does make it sound dodge.

Yes, he was an arse for letting you go, and you shouldn't have gone.

Original poster

DitzyLiz · 22/12/2010 14:00

Ok I feel a lot better about things now, so thank you all!

In answer to some of your questiions, i didnt want to go back to bed mainly because when im ill I just want my own house and secondly this couple live in a 2 bed house and only one double bed, so didnt want to put the couple out by them having to take the couch when they wanted to sleep.

Couldnt get a cab becuase had no change on me and tbh was so pissed off that he wasnt leaving with me I just wanted to go and I guess prove a point.

And yes the text read what was on my original post.

OP posts:

Original poster

DitzyLiz · 22/12/2010 14:04

Yes probably do need to grow up a bit, I wish it hadnt bothered me but for some reason it did!

Been with him 18months, normally he is very considerate but for some reason when he is around this couple he tends to act like Im not there and not pay me much attention, not sure whether its because they have all known each other for so long or what.

OP posts:

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 22/12/2010 14:04

Just let it go- I think it's sounds like you all had too much to drink and got a strop on

ChessyEvans · 22/12/2010 14:11

If the row was before the comment then I think his explanation makes sense that he was just being nice to her after her partner had upset her, and then he left pretty sharpish. Obviously if the row was about him randomly commenting that she looked stunning in front of her DH then that's another story!

JingleTits · 22/12/2010 14:19

well i think it sounds like he fancies his best mates gf personally. If it was inocent then there is no need for the comment " i know this is out of line"...... Just my opinion though.

Deliaskis · 22/12/2010 14:20

In this as in all things, context is key. I think it rather depends on what the row between the friend and her DP was about, and if it was anything related to the content of the text.

I don't think telling a female friend they look stunning is on its own a problem or offensive to the partner of either, but the context is pretty important.

He should have walked home with you, but you had crashed out for hours, so on balance, staying might have seemed like a good idea. It sounds like you were both too pissed to make sensible decisions anyway (not criticising that by the way, just that you can't really be p'd off at him for being a bit irresponsible when you were also hammered).

taintedsnow · 22/12/2010 15:17

Right, so the comment about the friend's girlfriend was not out of order, that one solved.

He should not have left you to walk alone, but you should not have walked off alone either (wanting your own bed and not wanting to put your hosts out are not good enough reasons to put yourself at risk IMO).

Original poster

DitzyLiz · 22/12/2010 16:50

Thanks everyone for your replies, feel ok about things now thanks to you lot, really appreciate you sharing your views.

OP posts:

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