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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my mum not to be such a MORON?

47 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 11:59

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

That's better. Right, this could get long and ranty but please read as I need some advice before my head explodes.

My brother and I haven't spoken since July this year. We had a falling out when he cheated on his long-term girlfriend (who my mum and I were close to) and basically treated her like shit afterwards, leaving her distraught. He rang me for advice on the situation and I told him it was probably best if we didn't speak at that point in time as I was cross with him and didn't want to permanently damage our relationship. The next thing I know, he swans off to uni' in Brighton two months early whilst my mum is on holiday. She only finds out when she returns and all of his stuff has gone. My mum was devastated as she has stuck by him through his various scrapes. I was furious and said that I did not want to talk to him.

He is now home for christmas and my mum wants me to forgive and forget but I am insistant that I get an apology for his fucking off without saying goodbye to me, my DH and my DS who adores him. DH and I have been really good to my brother trying to help him with jobs/places to live/money etc. He doesn't work, never has, is a habitual user of people and is very manipulative. My mother seems to have forgotten the upset he caused in July and is just glad to have him back despite the fact he can never be arsed to ring her/return her calls and she spends half of her life fretting he is lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Truth is he just can't be bothered.

I've forgiven him lots of times in the past without ever getting an apology from him but I refuse to this time. I've just had a heated phone conversation with my mum because she was due to visit me this afternoon. She casually drops into the chat that DB is coming and I said "oh, does this mean I am getting an apology then?" and she was all "it's christmas, let it go. You're making me feel ill" WTF?! I'M making her feel ill? Then she said she wasn't coming if he couldn't come with her. So I am good enough for her when he can't be arsed with her but as soon as he deigns to turn up again, I am out on the cold because i took a stand against his selfishness?

It sucks. We're a few days from christmas and I'm being emotionally blackmailed by my own mum. I knew this would get turned round onto me as my mother can be very manipulative. She will start telling other family members how unreasonable I am being and how ill I am making her next. I just know it.

AIBU in wanting an apology? My DH thinks not. My mum has just made me feel terrible about this and I really don't think i am in the wrong :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:03

Back story if anyone is interested :)

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 22/12/2010 12:05

I don't think you are in the wrong, but I can't see a way out.
Your bro sounds like a selfish a**e to me, but I don't think you will get an acknowledgement of that from him.

How is his ex? Do you still see her?

What if not getting an apology makes you ill? Grin
But your mum has got in first with the blackmail.

I think it is up to you, is it worth a family split to you? Or not?

MorticiaAddams · 22/12/2010 12:06

I can see your point and your DH and in my head think that YANBU and feel quite angry at your Mum on your behalf.

On the other side, my heart, says just forgive and forget as you never know what the future holds and life is too short.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:08

His ex is OK. She took him back for a while Hmm but saw sense. She's a lovely girl.

Mum and I rub along fine when DB is not in the picture. It's times like this when we get thrown together that it's becoming a problem. The thing is I know if it came to the crunch, the rest of my family would side with me as mum is the only one who can't see DB for what he is. Her brother (my uncle) can't stand him, reasons for why on old thread.

Apparently he picked his phone up last night then said to my mum "I'm not apologising. I don't even know what I'm apologising for" Hmm

OP posts:
needafootmassage · 22/12/2010 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anymajordude · 22/12/2010 12:11

I'd have them both to mine, have as nice a day as possible but give brother a letter to read when he goes spelling out exactly what an arse he is and that in your books he hasn't got away with it.

Hassledge · 22/12/2010 12:12

Imagine this was one of your DC behaving like a twat. Would you behave any differently to how your mother's behaving now? She loves him, he's her baby boy, I think you need to leave her out of your issues with him and just be civil to each other in her presence.

BuntyPenfold · 22/12/2010 12:12

Selfish arrogant young men are not that rare in the world, so I am not surprised to hear he said that.

I think you are banging your head against a brick wall tbh.

blackeyedsusan · 22/12/2010 12:13

I can understand your mum being upset that her children hve fallen out.

I think I am going to have to read the bck story to understand a bit more, because at first sight being upset over him notsaying goodbye seems a bit ott. Guessing there is more to it.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:14

Yes there is more to it, Susan. Him threatening to stab my uncle and stealing cash from my mum are just two examples of his past form.

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blackeyedsusan · 22/12/2010 12:21

Just popped bck to say I m reading the other thread and seeing more.

taintedsnow · 22/12/2010 12:27

My guess is that he's thinking he hasn't done anything to you specifically, and that's why he won't apologise. Which is not strictly how it works, but he sounds like a twat.

If I were you, I'd calmly and sweetly call your mum back and say that you would love to have her over at Christmas and DS is excited to see her, but that if she makes the decision to not come, you are very sorry that she feels that way. Drop it into conversation that you are more than happy to listen to your brother whenever he would like to discuss what happened before. You do not have to compromise on not having him in the house if you really don't want to.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/12/2010 12:30

I remember your previous thread. I think you are right to stand your ground and I think your mum should see how much she is hurting you by taking your brothers side when he is so clearly in the wrong.

I think I would write a letter to my mum, outlining why I was so angry and upset with my brother and telling her that I felt used by her and hurt that she single mindedly supports him over you, when he is clearly in the wrong.

I think from that point the ball would be in her court. She will understand how things stand from your position and she can take it or leave it. I don't think that an apology would be enough for me to let my brother back into my (and my childs) life if he behaved like this. Seems to me that if you don't stick up for yourself, no one else will and your bro and mum will continue to trample on your feelings.

I'm sympathetic to your mum, because you do love your kids unconditionally (which is as it ought to be), but theres a difference between loving and enabling them to be horrible people. she is doing him no favours and I think you are right to let all concerned know that this is not sitting well with you.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:32

I've said before that if he takes into account that he upset me and DS when he pissed off without telling us and was sorry for it, he will be welcomed into my home. I don't think I'm an unreasonable person and I think my condition is very reasonable.
Confused

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soggy14 · 22/12/2010 12:33

you are not being unreasonable in wanting an appology but I think that you are being unreasonable in making your mum suffer because you do not get one. Some people are just not very nice gits. Your brother sounds like one of these but I think that you need to accept this and move on. You have various options: you can minimise your involvement with him; you can accept him for the imperfect person that he is and try to focus on his goo dpoints; etc but you cannot change him and I think that you just need to grin and bear it rather than being so bothered about saving (your~) face here.
Why is an apology so important to you? Sorry is just a word.

whatkatydidathome · 22/12/2010 12:35

...mum is the only one who can't see DB for what he is...<

isn't he her son and so deserves her unconditional love (as with any child)?

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:36

I don't think I'm making her suffer. Does he not think "actually, my mum and sister are falling out over me being a twat. Maybe an apology is in order..." Of course he doesn't.

It's not the sorry word that's important. I want him to feel sorry. Mainly because he does various twatty shit in his life and never has to apologise because he manipulates people into feeling sorry for him IYSWIM? I suppose I'm taking a long overdue stand against that,really.

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blackeyedsusan · 22/12/2010 12:38

(agghhh going screwy trying to get back to this page.)

As you feel as you do about your brother, I would say to your mum that she is welcome to come around (anytime?) but becaause of your brother's behviour towards you you are not willing to hve him at your house.

I don't think that telling her she is being a doormat will help her to see what he is. you will probbly have to tell your mum that you will have to agree to differ in your opinion of him. more subtle staatements an Hmm may have more effect. (sneaking the truth in the back door)

It doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon as he is not feeling the consequences of his behaviour because Dad is giving him money and your mum does not seem to be challenging him on his behaviour.

Take comfort from the fact that other members of the family see him as you do

taintedsnow · 22/12/2010 12:39

Your mum is making herself suffer, with a great big helping hand from your selfish dick of a brother. It's not your fault just because you won't bend to someone else's will.

You are definitely right to take a stand.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:40

I don't think that unconditional love necessarily equals blindly supporting your child being a dick and hurting lots of people in the process. Sometimes unconditional love means making your child face the consequences of being stupid so they end up a better person.

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chitchatinsantasear · 22/12/2010 12:44

Well there is a halfway point which you could choose - clearly he won't give an apology. Fine, but you dont' have to greet him with open arms. All you need to do is be CIVIL, and not loving. It's not easy, but will get the point across very, very clearly. Being treated coolly by someone at a function with you will grate after awhile - great payback!!!! [evil grin!!!]

whatkatydidathome · 22/12/2010 12:45

Doesn't unconditional love mean accepting them for what they are and thinking that okay, maybe I've inadvertantly given birth to a complete git but they are mine. I'm still confused as to how your brother hurt you personally - have read old thread but it seemed that all he'd done was gone to uni early without telling anyone which, at 21 (ie old enough to look after himself but young enough to not be that mature), doesn't seem that unreasonable. I can see that he upset your ds, which is sad, but IME few 21 year old non-parents (especially men) think about children so I don' tthink that his behaviour is that bad. Okay he hurt your mother but if she can forgive and forget than can't you?

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:48

He hurt me personally because I was one of two people who have stood by him through various episodes.I gave him somewhere to live when he and my mum were homeless after mum sold her house, I took no board off him and fed him for nothing, never asked for anything back. Have looked after him money-wise and have generally just been very supportive of him even though he has been very trying.

For him to piss off without so much as a "see ya then" hurt my feelings. Not sure if I'm being over-sensitive but that's how I feel.

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GetOrfMoiLand · 22/12/2010 12:50

I'm woth you cupcakes.

I remember your thread from before. I totally agree with you standing up to him.

The reason probably why he is such a spoilt little toad is that your mother lets him get away with murder all the time.

Good on you. Don't take any notice of the 'you are making me ill' emotional blackmail. Just say, calmly, 'he upset me, this is my issue with DB, not yours, he needs to apologise' etc etc.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 22/12/2010 12:51

It's the "you are making me ill" thing that has really upset me today. I cried with anger, actually. I rarely cry. But my mum went to the docs with breathing pains on monday so have been worrying about her health anyway so this is a nasty stunt for her to pull.

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