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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Right so urgent judgment mumsnet jury I need your help please...AIBU or are they ????

51 replies

prettypinkchristmastree · 21/12/2010 23:47

Ok ladies, and gents if there any of you about. I really would like some honest opinions here please.

I'll give you soke background here. I am a single parent here working with 4 little ones. I love them all to bits but its hard work obviously and I have no help at all.

Christmas almost here as we all know and apart from being slightly disorganised with my pressie wrapping etc I am really excited as I want christmas to be really special for my children as we all do but I want it to be magical.

Now the problem is my mum and my stepdad to be honest.

Things are not great with them really. He was abusive when I was a child and he has a lot of control issues. My mum just agrees with him on everything. Now I do see them but well basically i have to make a bloody appointment and cant pop round there if i fancy a chat or a cuppa or have had a bad day and want a chat. I do have a problem with this but I think its shitty of them...basically because it not like i round there every day or even every week as i not allowed.. i have 2 ring abd pre book an hour time slot ( i am not kidding) and me and my kids may be allocated a time slot to do something or go round once a fortnight.

Now I invited them to mine this xmas and 4 months i have been asking 4 confirmation of this. On sunday i rang ( as wasnt authorised to go 4 a visit lol)because I was going shopping for food and wanted to stock up know what to get etc.

I was told they are not coming but we could all go for a meal on xmas eve together which sounds like a lovely idea. But when I asked if they were still coming for xmas day to see the kids after lunch my mum sturnly said they wouldnt be and hung up?? what?

Well I left it at that. I then rang up Monday and they were off with me. I asked about the meal cost menu etc. They told me it 30 pound for me and fifteen each for the kids i said well i would like to come but would have to check my finances and would we please be able to come round on xmas morn or late aft to see them 4 a bit (would be nice but also save me getting cabin fever with the kids all day at home as they all under 9). They have basically said in so many words no that we cant and basically they not arsed bowt seeing them imo

So do you think iabu or them.??

TBH i think they are selfish * and they should think of the kids.

But your oppinions please.???

I may sound ok bowt this but this has really uset me soplease go easy . thanksxx

OP posts:
tadventjennyp · 22/12/2010 01:24

Agree entirely with binfull. Who asks a single Mum to part with 90 quid at Christmas? Very selfish and not something I would want to be a part of, imo. Hope you have a very merry Christmas. Xmas Smile

zipzap · 22/12/2010 01:54

What would happen if you suggested a different cheaper place for a meal that you could afford - have they deliberately chosen somewhere expensive so that they know they have you every which way - they can either say you didn't come so that was your fault and miserable, or that you did come and therefore you are splashing money around etc etc

Not that I agree with those points I hasten to add, just I can see the way they might want to twist them to their own convenience to justify how you are being unreasonable or silly or as a means of controlling you.

Or rather that your step father is controlling your mother and you... Sad

hope you get to spend some nice family time together - could you ask your mum out for a nice girl's afternoon tea or something (does he have a favourite footie team/like racing/etc to choose a day when he's going to be busy doing what he wants?)

MadamDeathstare · 22/12/2010 02:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goplayout · 22/12/2010 19:32

Some fantastic advice here, and pretty pink I agree with others that you sound to be a lovely mum and DC are probably better off without grandparents like them.

onceamai · 22/12/2010 19:54

YANBU.

Prettypink. Your SD and to an extent your mum have driven you to insecurity and to believe that you should jump through hoops for their approval and involvement.

You are not the one with the problem. You have 4 DC and sound like a lovely mummy who wants the best for them. You are the best for them, not this excuse for a family that has never done you very much good and is unlikely to do the dc much good either.

You have survived so far - now you need to show them that you can win - and win without them. (I know it would be lovely to have them in the background as lovely supportive people but it must be awful to have them there as a pair of absolute bastards).

You and your DC are the family. They are the family you know and love and who love you back unconditionally, etc., etc.

Please keep going with the counselling and when you are strong enough meet this pair on your terms if you have to, never ever again on their terms.

In the meantime, 90 quid is 90 quid and I don't know many dc who would actually enjoy a night out at a restaurant, on best behaviour, with horrible people on Xmas Eve.
That 90 quid could go a long long way towards something all five members of your lovely family could enjoy.

Happy Christmas OP. You are the boss of your family - don't ever forget you are in charge of it.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 22/12/2010 19:57

They're not interested in you or your children.

I am sorry because that must be a very painful thing to accept.

But you want from them something you are never going to get and at some point you are going to have to accept it, walk away and stop pawing at them for attention they don't want to give. They don't deserve you.

For your own sake. For your mental health. For your kids.

Original poster
prettypinkchristmastree · 23/12/2010 22:49

Hi all.. It is really nice to know there are such lovely people out there and you have given me some extremely good advice.

I have kept my distance and not phoned them or anything since this episode on sunday. I did phone them today however as I have some gifts for my auntie who lives a long way from home and wanted to know if they were going to see her so I could give them to them to take for her. I didnt metio the meal. It felt so good though as I actually saw them for what they really are as I couldnt have been politer or more courteous and straight away my mum sated with her shouting "Well i dont know if we are going " shouty I said ok well just let me know and if not i will post them for her tommorrow so she will at least get them new year. She then angrily asked if we were coming to the meal I said I han,t planned on it since they were both very hostile last time we spoke.

she then angrily again said well let me know. I explained that I didnt thnk I could afford it and quoted one of you lol saying that ninety pounds could put a lot under the tree so I am that i was very sorry but would have liked to come but wont have the funds sorry. I said I would see her at some point to give her my gifts. She then ranted on how they were busy and reminded me we couldnt come hristmas. So i just said oh well never mind then i will keep your gifts for you and you let me know when you are free and i will give them to you then and said I will speak to you again and again appologised i couldnt attend the meal.

I could hear her gettinjg angrier and angrier though almost as though she was being more and more nasty edpecting or waiting for me to become angry or upset.

Well i didnt and i feel much better as i know now what they are like and i dont like it and am no loger going to tolerate it.

The ball is in their court now i not going to go running after them. It up to them if they want to give dc their presents or have mine and i am not going to bother getting upset or worrying over it. I not going to ring them. It up 2 them to put some effort in if they choose and i am not going to worry anymore if they choose not to.

I plan on spending a happy relaxed day on xmas playing with the dc and there toys and have already invested the money I would hae wasted on the meal and bought us some nice food for xmas dinna and a chocolate fountain for our pudding. I will only get these years with them once and want them to be as fun as possible not stressy and negative as it has been when they around us.

Merry xmas everyone and thanks for your advice.xxxx

OP posts:
glastocat · 23/12/2010 22:58

Well done you! You did the right thing, I hope you have a fabulous Xmas. It sounds like your mum knows she is in the wrong, you will have a better time without them.

FabbyChic · 23/12/2010 22:58

She had aleady said they would not be round to you, I take took this also to mean they either had alternate plans for Christmas Day or did not want to see you.

They are being mean.

We can't pick our parents and sometimes, when we keep trying and things never change we have to back off and think fuck it, bollocks to them.

I'd have thought tbh they would have paid for you and the children Christmas Eve, wouldn't have hurt.

You are going to have to let go, and just get on with it. They are clearly sending the message that they don't give a shit.

How long are you going to keep being treated like turd before you actually realise they are not interested in you or your children.

wingandprayer · 23/12/2010 22:58

Lurking but wanted to say you sound utterly fab, well done for handling mum and step dad so well earlier.

Have a lovely Christmas with your kids

OTheHugeManatee · 23/12/2010 23:09

My dad is in an abusive relationship with a mad controlling woman. He behaves in weird ways like this. I feel for you. They are BU. It's not you.

Have a lovely Christmas without them.

animula · 23/12/2010 23:22

I agree with much of what people have said here, but onceamai is spot on.

Have a lovely Christmas, and good luck with the counselling.

I suspect there may come a point when you think that your progress to becoming a fully self-loving person is best facilitated by a great deal of distance from your sd , and your dm also.

SantasENormaSnob · 23/12/2010 23:22

They sound dreadful.

Yanbu

animula · 23/12/2010 23:24

And I wouldn't spend all that money on a meal with them, either. It's a large sum to be effectively paying to see two people who aren't good enough - to you, or your children.

Buy something for yourself, and the children instead. Or put it towards a holiday or day-trip in the summer.

MsKLo · 23/12/2010 23:31

You are not odd or abnormal OP! You are a loving, thoughtful mum and your kids will have a lovely time with you on Xmas day

Far better than if you had those selfish two around

How is he with your kids?

Do you have Amy good friends u can see at some point on Xmas day to break up the day?

Have a fab time and don't worry!

MsKLo · 23/12/2010 23:36

Sorry to also say but your mum sounds a bit nasty and Like she wants you to beg her to come/run after her

You dealt with her really well last time you spoke to her, keep doing it and you will show her you can't be treated like shit

She is taking her anger out on you and trying to Bully you - good for u for not putting up with it

whethergirl · 23/12/2010 23:55

Well done prettypink, your last post is spot on.

Your energy is better spent towards the your kids who you obviously adore rather than wasted on other dysfunctional people. I'm afraid I can't describe their behaviour as anything other than cruel, and I'd rather not have people like that in my life or my children's life, family or no family. You and your kids deserve more, you deserve each other!

I can only imagine the kind of stress they must give you, and that can't be good for you and your kids, so weigh it up and do what's best for you and your lovely family.

Happy Christmas! And if by some strange coincidence you're anywhere near N.London then would be happy to meet up for a walk or something with the kids on Boxing day! xx

DreamTeamGirl · 24/12/2010 00:03

Oh, wow, well done to you

Brilliant to take all their power away like that. Now just keep that up for the next few years ... Smile

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/12/2010 00:20

Prettypink, what can I say? You were absolutely FABULOUS. You did not allow yourself to be anyone other than who you are (a really brilliant woman) despite the efforts of an experienced Button-Pusher. Congratulations. Things may change and in the future your parents will do what they have always done and sometimes you will give in. But know that you can change your reactions and make things better for you and your DCs and that makes you feel stronger, better and great.

So happy for you.Xmas Grin x a lot

tadventjennyp · 24/12/2010 00:33

Well done for handling your Mum so well and have a wonderful Christmas with your fantastic dcs xxx Xmas Smile

letsblowthistacostand · 24/12/2010 09:08

Well done. We also don't have family who can come for xmas day so are planning a fun day just the 4 of us! I'm really looking forward to it--doing whatever we want and making the day all about the kids and good food!

ladydeedy · 24/12/2010 09:39

well done you. You have done the right thing for yourself and your DC. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow. You can wrap up and go out for a walk in the afternoon, feed the ducks (if there are any around!), bring a flask of hot chocolate with you. then come home, watch television, have a completely relaxed and lovely time.

You should feel proud of yourself for valuing who you are and the wonderful children you have.

tadventjennyp · 28/12/2010 01:27

How was your day pretty?

onmyfeet · 28/12/2010 03:02

You handled that very well, and I know your kids had a great time with you Christmas Day, and loved the chocolate fountain!

SkyBluePearl · 28/12/2010 07:39

well done! I hope you manage to keep up your fab approach over the next few years.

My IL's used to be hard going too and i used to get very upset - particularly since having children and them becoming such crap grandparents. It's been so much easier deciding to see much less of them,not talking on the phone hardly and being really polite when we do. I now have no expectations of them and don't look to them for support now. My best friend and i always have a complete laugh about IL's mad off the wall behaviour too. Humour has really helped and i rarely feel upset these days.