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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fed up..

20 replies

Charleney · 21/12/2010 15:25

I am 22 weeks pregnant, so probably the hormones making me feel like this but its like i have absolutely no control over "baby things".
I am trying to get things ready, i know probably a bit early but ive been having problems with my pregnancy so have been advised it would be good for me and the baby to carry on as normal and "nest" i suppose.

So i am getting a cot from DP parents, the cot was his when he was a baby so quite sentimental. We went up for dinner on sunday and i asked him to get the cot so we could take it home. But he says no, theres no point until i have decorated the room. I am only going to be painting 2 walls so not going to be too much of an issue painting around a cot. Then his parents but in, saying that we live in a new house so it doesnt need decorating. I tell them that i want to decorate cause i cannot stand the colour of magnolia and bright colours are good to stimulate the baby.
But no they tell me im silly for decorating and DP agrees so i feel like now im "not allowed" to decorate his room just because thats what his bloody parents think.
And today.. i am looking at buying a pram, showed him some cheap ones on ebay because we cant afford much but just get a mouthful about how we can just do it in the new year and again i'm "not allowed".
I feel like everything has been taken out of my hands and im so fed up that i am dreading everything now, his parents are just going to take over and he'll let them. He can be very hot headed so alot of the time i just agree for an easy life but i dont want to anymore.

I think coming from parents who are so laid back with me, will give me advice but never judge if i choose to do something different. Its hard getting my head around it all.

AHH rant over!

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 21/12/2010 15:29

Do you have your own income or any control over the finances?

If you do, then go and buy what you want.

The phrase "he can be very hot headed so a lot of the time I agree for an easy life", gives me concern. Are you frightened of upsetting him? Is he controlling?

chitchatinsantasear · 21/12/2010 15:29

YANBU - but repeat after me, (practice makes perfect) 'I do not care what your parents think, I want to paint the room therefore the room will be painted. If I see a bargain on ebay then I will buy it because I'm a big girl now and am not given to throwing money away. If you can't be supportive NAFF OFF!'.

And breathe.....!!!!! Grin

EndangeredSpecies · 21/12/2010 15:29

"his parents are just going to take over and he'll let them".

But will YOU let them??!

I know during pregnancy you don't want to get assertive but you're going to have to, this is YOUR baby and YOUR house. You must have things the way YOU want them (and a few things that DP wants as well :)

STand your ground OP, or they will turn into the inlaws from hell after the baby is born.

pjmama · 21/12/2010 15:31

It must be annoying to feel like your opinions are being disregarded, but honestly why can't you wait until after Xmas? Surely there's enough going on at the moment and another couple of weeks won't make a difference?

Talk to your DP and tell him how you're feeling. Agree to have a chat about what you both want and when you want to do it. You've got a long way to go until the baby arrives and whilst of course your opinion is valid and should be listened to, so is your DP's. He's entitled to listen to his parents views too, as long as he's willing to agree that he'll listen to yours and give you priority.

AMumInScotland · 21/12/2010 15:33

I think you need to sit DP down and explain to him why it is so important for you to feel in control of this at the moment, and that, even if he doesn't think something is necessary, he should be backing you up if its something you feel is important.

Men don't always understand that the feelings that go with pregnancy can override your usual priorities and change your focus - for him this is just time long before the expected arrival, whereas for you it is time when you are doing something and feel the need to make ready.

Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 15:34

No we share finances unfortunately.

No hes not controlling or agressive or anything, but he just argues and i hate arguing, i really do. But then cause he winds me up so much i just lose it with him and make things 10 times worse.

I think thats my problem, i definately need to be more assertive.

I just get all the time from him, "well this is my baby too!" so what can i say to that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 15:37

No i know i definately need to talk to him, he just thinks that talking means im critising him so he gets on the defense which again makes things worse.

I know i could wait until the new year but i think with everything going on at the minute, and ive been signed off sick so things like this would take my mind off the rest of the crap and keep me staying positive i suppose.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 21/12/2010 16:21

My take on this is that DP is worried about your health and the pregnancy, and thinks it is too early for you to be worrying about decorating, or that you will do it yourself and overdo it. He thinks you should concentrate on resting and staying well, especially as you have been signed off work sick. Truthfully, he is probably scared at the prospect of being a father, emotionally and financially, which is making him more likely to fly off the handle.

I daresay the ILS think the same. Are they reluctant to let you take the cot so early in case it is unlucky, or do you think they might do it up as a surprise for you? If it is a painted cot, and hasn't been stripped and re-painted since DH used it, beware of old paint that might have lead in it. Make sure it is safe, and not falling apart as safety regs have changed so much.

It's a shame that DP and the ILS cannot try to see your point of view, that preparing and planning for the baby will actually help you. I would just carry on planning and researching what you want for the baby, regardless. If the nursery doesn't get painted, introduce colour in other ways, by toys, mobile, rug, curtains or other accessories. If MIL criticises, simply smile and tell her how boring it would be if we all liked the same things! I foresee the ILS becoming hard work in the future if you don't give them boundaries, they'll be telling you how to raise that child and driving you round the bend.

fel1x · 21/12/2010 16:28

I think at only 22 weeks your DP and his parents dont see the urgency and think its sensible to wait until the new year to buy a pram (they will def be a lot cheaper in jan than they will be now, even on ebay!) and moving furniture etc.
I know its frustrating and I'm the sort of person who wants everything 'sorted out now!' too, but theres really no harm in waiting is there?
You're def getting the cot. It doesnt matter if it goes into your house now or in the new year once its painted.
Just relax and enjoy christmas and think about getting your stuff again afterwards Smile

ShanahansRevenge · 21/12/2010 16:33

Charleney...it sounds like he's clutching onto the purse strings due to bit of anxiety about cash to me...my DH did this too!

You have to put your foot down a bit...bt tbh you will get a cheaper pram in the new year anyway.

About the paint...go and buy some and get stuck in yourself...I had to d that and DH whipped the can and roller away and took over the minute he saw me at it!

I don't think it's unusual...he's worrying about money maybe and you're nesting...hope things level out.

Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 17:00

Thanks for your replies, i totally get what you all are saying and do agree, but i think its just the fact i feel like im being treated like a child. Being told "no" and "just wait" like this isnt my desicion to be making when it should be me AND DP deciding not him and his bloody parents.

I think im going to put it down to hormones, ive just spent the past 15 minutes in tears because my stupid cat has just snapped my christmas tree and almost knocked my tv over (which i caught with my belly).
GRR !

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 21/12/2010 17:02

To be fair, whilst I understand your need to want to get thigns in early, it is too early. Wait until you are past the 28/30 week stage.

22 weeks is okay to look but not buy, get stuff in the house.

In the old days some never would have anything for the baby at home until the baby was born.

YOu will get better bargains from eBay in the new year as money is tight for most then.

Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 17:04

I suppose i should have made clear that because of the problems i'm having with my pregnancy, theres a good chance he will come early. I dont want to have nothing and then he arrives and then i think "shit..".

I am going to wait until the new year now though.

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 21/12/2010 17:08

22 weeks is still very early to be thinking about baby stuff, esp if you have a cot.

Make sure the family cot is safe though - I wouldn't use a family one as the one is my family wasn't - it was used by my gran/dad/me and I was the one to say no.

Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 17:10

I think the cot was only used by DP and 1 niece after that.
Oh i could say no to the in laws, i'd probably be banished lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 17:10

Couldnt say no*

OP posts:
PenelopeTitsDropped · 21/12/2010 17:12

My generation (one prior to your's I believe); thought it very bad luck to bring in anything for a baby; prior to the last month).

I followed this (without actually thinking if I'm honest); but it's a very strong (Irish) tradition that I upheld and followed without even thinking.

It's very stressful at the point you're at; it's inbetweeny time. I coped with it by research and planning.

The car seat, the pram, the maternity pads, the music I wanted when I gave birth etc. etc.

Good luck Op.
Don't get depressed; just exert energies on planning. Everything will be cheaper post Xmas.

Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 17:14

Thanks Penelope, i think this has put everything into perspective for me so thankyou everyone.
I realise now i am being a hormonal arse :)

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 21/12/2010 17:15

22 weeks isn't too early to be decorating, though.

How dare they say that someone else's choice of magnolia should be what you end up with! Who makes the decisions in your in-laws about their decorating?

Tell your husband that you are going to decorate the room. Suggest some colours. Ask which he prefers (magnolia not being an option.)

It's nothing to do with his parents. You would do better not mentioning buying/doing anything when you are with them.

Original poster
Charleney · 21/12/2010 17:17

Haha i know! Well its all magnolia cause it was a new build when we moved in.
But it really gives me a headache lol.

I've already decided on the colours so he'll be getting told whats what now :) i'm putting my foot down! lol.

Oh i know, it just started cause i asked for the cot which is in their loft!

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