AIBU to want to tell my sister she is being a cowbag - Long?

[everydayishalloween]

Long rant - sorry!

I'm feeling really hurt by my sister's latest stunt involving Xmas plans. Bit of a back story she has been generally being a bit of a cow most of this year and not answering her phone to me and making catty comments on the rare occasions I have seen her. Doing things like excluding me and my DP from gatherings or making plans to see us only to cancel at the last minute in favour of doing something with her "new best friend" or boyfriend's family.

Anyway every Xmas her and my 14 year old nephew (and whatever boyfriend is around at the time) have always come to my house for Xmas. This year money is tight for me and my DP so I started to say to her that we wouldn't be buying a load of food this year (most of which isn't eaten anyway). Without letting me finish what I was saying she jumped in and announces that she will be spending it with her DP at her house on their own. I was a little disappointed but thought that if they want Xmas at their own place then it's up to them.

My nephew then subsequently informed me that my sister had invited her new best friend and partner to spend Xmas with them.
My sister is telling everybody that I told her I didn't want them at my house for Xmas this year because I "wasn't feeling up to it" (I am currently trying for a baby and having fertility issues. I have not intimated at all to my sister that I am not up to the usual Xmas gathering, in actuality doing the family Xmas thing would have been a welcome distraction from these issues).

Was feeling really angry that 1)me and my DP were cut from her Xmas plans in favour of her new friends 2) that she is using my fertility issues as an excuse so she comes up smelling of roses 3) that she has dropped me at the time I most need some support and love

Subsequently my nephew has told me that the new best friends decided not to go to my sister's house for their Xmas so we magically got a text inviting us to her house for Xmas dinner. My DP and I refused because I refuse to be treated like second choice/cheque book to pay for half the meal. Incidently another thing that is making me seethe is that she is telling people how she has always paid for half of the cost of the Christmases she has had at our house which is total bollocks. Last year she did turn up with some cans for her and her boyfriend and naff all else.

She is now going round telling people that she is pissed off that we turned down her invitation (which has upset my grandmother who thinks that we are the arseholes) and how we don't want to spend Xmas with my nephew.

She also keeps telling him that we don't want to see him and don't want to babysit him anytime she asks. The truth is she got into the habit of asking us to babysit him every other weekend. This wasn't convenient (partly because we are trying for a baby and some weekends need our own space to achieve that end - TMI!!) mainly because Saturday night babysitting would turn into having him from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday evening (my sister and her DP would go out all day Sunday knowing full well that we wouldn't drop my nephew back to an empty house or we would have to wait in all day Sunday waiting for them to pick him up). Anyway because we refused a few times she is telling my nephew how we don't want to have him anymore. Now when we text her asking to have my nephew she ignores our texts.

I feel so angry that we were dropped in favour of people she has known for such a short time, that she decided to do this the year that we have less money than usual (feel that the money trail has dried up and now she doesn't want to know), am hurt that I have had a shite year with fertility stuff and she is taking away my nephew (feel that perhaps she maybe a little threatened by a potential new baby arrival because attention would be diverted away from her and my nephew) and hate that she is trying to turn my nephew against me (he is the apple of my eye). Most of all am peed off that she is making out to people that this is all my doing and that she is the wronged party?????

Really want to have it out with her and ask why she is being such a cow. My DP says not to rock the boat and that no good can come of it. She is the type of person that would stop my nephew seeing me altogether if she is challenged so maybe my DP has a point. I still feel though that she uses my nephew as leverage all the time and gets away with murder and needs to me told. Any advice? Rant over!

Why not send her a cheery text wishing her a happy Christmas and offering a little get together over the holidays, a few sandwiches, you can even roll out the Iceland mini beef and yorkshire puddings, have a couple of litres of Lambrini and I bet all will be fine and dandy.

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and rise above - she will follow suit I reckon. Its Christmas!!

blimey. There's alot going on here and not much is about Christmas Dinner. I think you need to break it down into sections - fertitlity, your nephew, babysitting, her relationships, what's she's saying and how you feel, your history as sisters....

And be honest with you because you are going through an incredibly tough time. You might see it as requiring support - she might see it as you withdrawing your time/help and love to her. And I know she should step up to the mark and be there for you. But have you told her to be there for you. She hasn't got ESP - she probably won't realise how trying for a baby affects everything in your life.

Now that sounds like I am picking on you. I am not. I think your sister is a selfish madam. I think you are the more mature one. You could have a huge fall out. But I think it's last extra stress you need. I think I would write a list of why I am pissed off with my sister. Then take a deep breath, look at my DH and put us first. Do what you want for Christmas.

Do not worry what others think - people are smarter than what you think. They'll see through her bleeding heart.

I'd also tell that nephew to come over Boxing Day/whenever and take him out bowling/cinema whatever and casually drop into conversation that you and DH are a little stressed at the moment but you love him and your New Years Resolution is to do fun things with him. And remind him he's always welcome to yours.

Honestly I thing you are over reacting.

You need to take a step back, relax and enjoy Christmas with your DP.

No one (unless they are 12) is going to be paying the slightest bit of attention to your sisters whinging.

Oh what an awful situation for you. She sounds like she thinks the world revolves around her. Follow JodiesMummy's advice, send her a cheery text and rise above it all.

Re the fertility issues first of all I'm very sorry you're having problems, but maybe you want to think about not chatting to her about it anymore, if she is telling others as you say (you said 'that she is using my fertility issues as an excuse so she comes up smelling of roses') because that's hardly respecting your privacy and wanting a baby and not being able to have one is horrible enough without her input.

Reading my looonnng post back it does seem to be something fairly trivial that has set me off. TBH this is just one thing in a very long line of crap my sister has dished out but it is the thing that seems to have sent me over the edge (ironically it is one of the most unremarkable incidents over the years!).

Thank you for your good advice pancakeflipper I also agree that there is alot more going on here than Christmas and that because I am under stress anyway I am not coping with my sister's bollocks very well.
Don't think that I will open up to my sister about what I need from her at this time because nothing is for free where she is concerned and any "support" she might choose to give would be given in some kind of pursuit of personal glory & would be something else to tell everyone how wonderful she perceives herself to be.

Nancydrewrocking, my worry is that my nephew is young enough to be swayed by sister's whinging but you are hopefully right about everyone else!

Jodiesmummy, the Lambrini might end up being chilled somewhere quite unorthadox if I follow your suggestion at the mo!

Thanks ClairedeLoon (like the name BTW). You're right about not telling her anymore about the baby stuff. Realised when I did that it was a bit of a clanger but hoped that she might appreciate more why we couldn't babysit as much as we usually do. Also rather hoped that she could have been a bit supportive. The words clutching at straws spring to mind!

OP, your nephew is 14 - surely old enough to see his aunt and mother clearly? And perhaps old enough to have his own mobile so that you can maintain contact?

take a step back and put it into perspective.

Why is your nephew bitching about his mother, btw?

Families can be a pita.
I think you need to take a look at the long game. You are trying for a baby. For that you need to be as relaxed as possible.
Your nephew is old enough and ugly enough to make his own social arrangements with you.
Your sister is being a bit of a twunt. You can take it all on board, analyse it to death and beat yourself up or you can rise above it.
See where this is going? My advice is stay home, invite your sister over for a festive visit. Offer to have your nephew for the weekend. Make babies and mince pies.

To answer your question about why my nephew was bitching about his mother Hairyfairylights, she is by all accounts a pain in the arse to live with and he sometimes gets upset about what goes off at home and confides in me about it. I think that this fuels my anger with her and puts me in a predicament about wanting to protect my nephew from some questionable parenting at times and not betraying his confidence. All these emotions get bottled up and then come bubbling to the surface after some trivial trigger like Xmas bloody dinner.

Goodness - this goes WAY deeper than Christmas. You need to clear the air before the festering resentment turns into permanent enmity - Good Luck