to be sick sore and tired of hearing "she's not happy"

[ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo]

this is a rant. i probably am BU but i need to vent.

sister went to OZ 5 weeks ago. from the day and hour she left all I've heard from both her and my parents is that she's not happy.

in fact it started before she went. she was flying with my cousin and his girlfriend, nowhere arranged to stay when they arrived but there has been a huuuuge number of young people from my local town, including another cousin going to melbourne this year. they are all living together inhouses of 10-20 people, room sharing and by the looks of the photos on Fb they are having a blast, drinking lots, partying lots, working sporadically and partying more. Dssi knew all this before deciding to go. she had seen all the photos and status updates. but a week before went she had wobble (understandably) that she wouldn't get on with "these people" because she doesn't drink at all, isn't into partying, likes her home comforts and 'clean' living conditions. i told her at the time, she was just nervous about leaving home, this was just a cold feet moment, she would love it when she got there, she didn't have to stay with my cousin and the others etc but that if she really didn't think she would like it then she could pull out now (mum and dad are financing this so she wasn't losing any money by cancelling). she decided to go.

when she got there she did nothing but complain about having to share a room, not getting on with the people, having to drive them everywhere because she was the only teetotaller (she could have said no!!) having to do all the cleaning and dishes (again, her choice). she planned to leave and find a ranch to work on for the year. said she couldn't stand the people she wa living with but made no effort to look for a job or to move on to a hostel and look for a ranch from there (mum has put ALOT of money in her account so that wasn't an issue).

so mum, panicing about her not being happy, got a contact number for the nephew of a colleague and gave it to Dsis. this colleague was travelling out there herself but not for a few weeks after dsis had arrived. mum agreed with colleague that when she got tehre she would ring Dsis and she could come and stay with her and her Dbro at his ranch to see how she liked it but that Dsis should contact her nephew in teh meantime to arrange staying with him as she was so unhappy. Dsis contacted him, had a chat but made NO plans to visit him. carried on whingeing about hating the place she was in and then finally, 2 days before the lease was up on her house mum arranged for colleague to call her nephew and ask if Dsis could stay with him. so all arranged for her, Dsis set off arrived with him, but wasn't happy, again. apparently they weren't really alike. so after a few days anotehr cousin who is also in OZ offered for her to come and stay with her. she did, had a great time (rarity) and then met up with mum's colleage and set off for the ranch. this family have offered for her to be with them over xmas but she isn't happy because she would have to sleep on the floor, so she is owndering whether she should go back to my cousin for xmas (hasn't asked cousin, is just wondering ).

anyway, she is now at the ranch and isn't happy because they take 2 hours for every meal and are really laid back, the rain is preventing them from getting much done so she is bored. she isn't paying any keep so this is all free lodgings and meals. and apparently the ranch is out in the country so she can't shop. not sure where she thought a ranch might be. i could understand her boredom if she had left a really busy job to go but she didn't. she hasn't worked since february when she left her job in a very small jewellery shop because the hours were 'silly' and there "was no point going in for 3 or 4 hours a day". she was just lounging at home (mum and dad's) all day, nipping to the gym now and again.

apparently my mum's heart is breaking for her. mum thinks she is miserable and wants to pay for her to come home, 5 weeks into her stay. I have been sympathetic, i haven't voiced any of my frustration at constantly hearing teh same miserable whingeing to her or my parents but really i am just about getting to the point where i have heard enough. if i was a single 23 year old living for free on a ranch in OZ with very little work to do i would be in heaven tbh.

as i said. i just need to vent and i know i am prob BU.

Have you had help equal to that which your parents have given your sister? If not, demand it; if you have then probably you need to bite the bullet.

Seems a great shame that she's not making the best of it though. I would have thought time for the parents to tell her to come home; to stop all funding and tell her she's to contribute to living expenses if she continues to live under their roof. Not negotiable IMO.

Im 24. there are just two of us.

it's not a 'real' illness in our family so it would probably make me feel worse to tell them. it's funny because both my parents have worked hard all their lives and from hearing them talk about another family member who is open about her depression, teh consensus is very much that she's exagerating and should just get on with things. i don't want to put myself forward for such criticism. i think with my sister it's just that she is the baby and the only one they have left at home.

oncemai it really isn't about being equal. i don't want to take money from them. i pride myself on standing on my own two feet. i was a single teenage mum and feel very much that i have to prove the steryotype wrong, or at least not become it so scraping by is fine by me, it really is because when i pull out of it i will have done it on my own merit. i guess maybe that is where my sister and i differ so much and i find her way hard to accept as 'right'. i couldn't possible take from my parents what she has had over the years. i would feel so guilty but she is quite happy to.

i agree with you, if it was my child i would tell them "ok, we have paid your flights, visa and funded you for 5 weeks now. you have until the new year to either get a job or return home. after that we cut all funding" but she's not my child. she's theirs and my mum and dad will never make her come home til she wants to herself. they will keep sending the money for peace of mind.

That's so sad. I accept you don't want to take it but my goodness if you were my daughter you would be getting it to make life a bit easier for you and your child. I hope I'd also realise what a tough time you have had and try to make sure you had a bit of fun. Do they help you with childcare at all. All credit to you for wanting to do it on your own merit but you can still do that and have a few treats along the way if they are that way inclined.

Sorry, just re-read that. I'm 50 not a 100 and you're a mummy too. Just feel that one of you needs a slap and you need some moral and probably a bit of minor financial support - even if it's only a new coat or a trip to the hairdressers.

Yanbu.

She is a spoilt waste of space.

You, on the other hand, are incredibly understanding, to the point of doormattish. Can't believe your mum walked out of the room to watch tv when you were standing crying

I doubt there is anything you can do to change how they deal with your sister. But if I were you I'd be making a few more demands of my own ... for emotional support if nothing else.

Ummm, I'm starting to get the distinct impression from your last bit that...

She's being treated like this, so that she doesn't become like you.[Parents' POV]

Do you ever get that feeling ?

yes my mum takes the boys if ever i want to go out and she will ask if i need money. the fact is, i don't need money. if i was going to miss rent i would of course ask for help but so far i have never actually got to a point where i really really needed it so i don't accept. It's my silly pride that gets in the way.

i would far rather have the moral support any day. i don't know what was going through my mum's head but that day when i told her EXp had left and she walked away, it really gutted me. i had no-one to talk to. we were never close, and maybe she just felt like she couldn't comfort me but if tehre was ever a time i needed a hug, that was it. no point asking her about it, she would get defensive and it would somehow be my fault for not being open enough growing up or something.

cumfy i had never seen it that way but you could be right. i highly doubt she would ever be in my situation though. firstly, she knows how tough being a mum is and secondly she is far too selfish and so would make sure she didn't get pregnant. i don't think that is a worry of my parents' for her tbh. I'm not exactly sure what the worry is, maybe that if they cut funding she would end up on teh streets but i can't help thinking if tehy had prepared her a bit better by letting her work to save for her trip she would have teh basic skills to be able to arrange a job and her own accomodation without being spoonfed it all.

Sounds to me like they don't know how to provide emotional support and guidance about life skills and instead throw money at the problem. IMO take the money and spend some on counselling because it doesn't seem that you will get that sort of listening at home.

cumfy I thought so too.

oncemai, i have thought that myself. about the throwing the money at problems.

interesting thought just popped into my head when i read your post. when i had ds1 i was still living at home and not paying keep (neither of us ever had to, although i was working) i was going to register his birth and give him EXp's surname (we separated before he was born) my mum was against this and told me that if i did it would cost me £60 a week to live there. i was on MA at the time and there was no way i could afford that so i agreed not to give him EXps' name. but i did move out soon after.

it seems money does indeed do their talking for them.

Are your parents on the strict side ?

I've seen a similar situation where two sisters a year apart.

It just seems like the younger one gets an easy ride simply by knowing what they should be doing by watching the "mistakes" of the elder one.
Think this is a potentially very big advantage with strict parents.
The older one will always have larger expectations put on them than the younger, and the young one can always stay one step ahead.

What was your mum's response to your pregnancy ?

i highly doubt she would ever be in my situation though

I'm not sure I was thinking that specifically.
More that your situation [from their POV] "had gone a bit pear-shaped", and they (or more likely your mum) was adamant that her other daughter would only get the best.

Ergo, the life of Riley,that has now landed in her spoilt disdainful lap.

cumfy you have it nailed. my sister learned from my mistakes. i have always told my parents, "it's not me you should be watching" wrt which of us was misbehaving because at least when i was acting up i was stupid enough to leave tracks, she is clever enough to know, from me being caught, how to get away with more. my parents would be very shocked to know that whilst i have never touched a drug in my life, their tee-total daughter has dabbled in several. but not being a grass, i will never tell.

my pregnancy was her worst nightmare. and i know it was. she is a midwife and was always coming home talking about the latest teenager she had in, it was always a warning. i had let them all down. i remember one evening jsut afetr i told them she came and told me that she had over heard my sister on the phone to her friend bitching about me being so stupid and selfish (my pregnancy wasn't planned). my mum came to tell me how upset my sister was about it (she wasn't) and that i hadn't even given a thought to how it would affect her and her exams (i moved out long before she was due to take them). well of course i didn't think about my sister, i didn't think about any of them because i didn't actually mean to get pregnant. if i had thought about the consequences of any of it i would have been considering it a possibility, which i wasn't (we used condoms).

my mum came to tell me how upset my sister was about it (she wasn't) and that i hadn't even given a thought to how it would affect her and her exams

All sounds very much like "projective identification".

It was Mum who was "upset", "affected" and future ("exams") disturbed [projection].
But, naturally DD must feel like this as well since they are so very much alike [identification].

Unfortunately, it seems like you have been "identified" as the scapegoat, whereas as Sis has been "identified" as mini-mum.

Re £60 sounds very weird and controlling.

You sound very measured given what's been happening.

i think i am able to see the behaviour as what it is rather than how it affects me, if that makes sense. the not hugging thing really upset me afterwards because at the time i just really needed someone to say, "I'm sorry for you, I know you're upset". normally i can cope with my own emotions, self soothe and move on.

the £60 was desperation. she was determined that my son wouldn't have his dad's surname. she mistakenly believed it gave EXp more rights over ds than i would have as his mother so in a way it was me and ds she was thinking of, i just think it was a very misguided way of going about it.

How dull, I wish I was in OZ moping about whining about everything! Tell her to shut her mouth or come home and be bored back over here. What a selfish little brat.

I think the next time your Mum wrings her hands over dsis's unhappiness you just have to nod and smile. If she questions why you are not engaging, say you were told it was not your business. I think I would be looking for other support networks beside your family and leave them to it, tbh. I'm sorry your Mum couldn't be there for you when you needed her.

Sounds like a standard whinging Pom to me.

Actually I think it sounds like a great big pile of 'Not your problem', next time your Mum brings it up tell her you are not that interested.

Rinse, repeat until she gets it.

I agree morloth, some people don't know they're born, do they? It makes me determined to treat all my children as equally as I possibly can, when I read threads like this, differences in their needs notwithstanding.

Personally, if they don't want your opinion on your sis because it's "none of your business", then next time they bring it up, tell them "sorry, don't want to hear about it. It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS." or even "if you don't want my opinion, don't tell me about it." I've had to use that with my parents on a number of occasions regarding one of my siblings.

I can't be sympathetic! She is not helping herself & it seems she wants everyone to arrange her life for her (mum making arrangements for somewhere to stay etc).

Where did she think a ranch would be? In the middle of the city!!!

Trouble is, also that yes, the rain is a pain. It doesn't usually rain this late in the year, it is normally late 20-30s. One year it was late 30s & believe me, that's no better than the rain, as you are quite restricted as to where you can go & on a ranch, with no shade etc, I would imagine it could be worse!

Oz is a beautiful place, with beautiful people & she needs to get herself out there & meet some of them!

If she doesn't like it that dinner is so late, can she not cook for a change? But really, living rent free & moaning about it is very ungrateful!

I suggest you tell her that she either changes her situation, puts up with it & shuts up or comes home!

Imagine how the people she is living with, feel!

The best thing is that they are not flying out there to get her. Even if they keep bankrolling her, she will be surrounded by people who will tell her a few home truths. Hopefully she will be forced into growing up at least a tiny bit this year.

Just do tell your parents you don't want to hear, there is no reason for you to go through the ear ache of it all.

Oh dear. I agree with mummytime - you don't need to hear it.

It's up to your parents to snip the aprons strings and let her get on with it. Without their safety net she'd have to get on.

My ridiculous sister did something similar. She chucked up a perfectly well paid job in London and went to live in Poland on the off chance she could become an 'English Teacher'. She had very few pupils. My ma was concerned she's end up on the game.
She went out there because one of her Polish chums told her she'd be raking it in.
The truth was somewhat different. She moved there in winter and it was -20. The flat was unpleasant and the water that came out the taps was brown.
My ma DID bail her out though. By wiring enough money to get her a coach home. Took 24 hours apparently and was completely horrid. AND poor thing had to carry all the ey across London on the tube because she had no cab fare.

Diddum

yes i think you are right. when the subject comes up again i will just say i don't want to hear it.

i agree with all you are saying and have thought it all many times. she is babyed and spoonfed everything and it has done her no favours. my parents will realise this at some point. maybe she will realise it too after spending a year with real adults.