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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

trying to make my children good by threatining no christmas presents!

25 replies

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 17:15

Is it too much to ask for my children to stop arguing for at least one day. I have tried saying the whole thing like if you are not good farther christmas will not come but it does not seem to work! infact they are playing me up more that ever and its day one of holiday, pleasse has anyone got any ideas to calm them down???

OP posts:

borderslass · 20/12/2010 17:17

Can you see it through though if they don't behave, if not it's just empty threats.All kids get over excited at this time of year.

moondog · 20/12/2010 17:18

Why are you saying something that you and they know will never happen?
Decide on a reosonable consequence, inform them of it and see it through.

Original poster

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 17:19

No i don't think i could really do it and i no that i should not say it as they will think they can be naughty all the time and get away with it. I just really thought it would work, but i just feel it has made them worse, little buggers

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 20/12/2010 17:19

If you make threats and don't carry them out you won't do yourself any favours.

scurryfunge · 20/12/2010 17:20

They know it is an empty threat, so it will never work.

Try and think of something that will work as a sanction. I used to have a bit of a toy/book clearout before Christmas - maybe they could work together selecting a few charity items to keep them busy.

Are they old enough to make some decorations for the tree or some homemade presents?

Goblinchild · 20/12/2010 17:21

What activities are you offering as alternatives to squabbling?

FattyArbuckel · 20/12/2010 17:23

Well I'm not suprised your kids don't listen to you if you make empty threats!

A good old walk and snowball fight should help imo

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:24

Never ever make a threat you are not prepared to carry out.

Don't do that. don't do that. if you do that again you'll be in trouble. i said don't do that. i mean it, don't do it. once more and you're going to bed. i said don't do that. i'm going to take away your toys. don't do that, I said stop. I'm not going to tell you again. I said stop it...

They end up with zero respect for you.

tell them to stop. warn them what will happen. do it.

But never threaten them with something you know damn well you're not going to do.

Original poster

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 17:24

I think i am tooo soft and i need a bit of a kick, i do say to them i will do this or that as a punishment and don't end up going through with it. They are old enough to do decorations and they do things like colouring and painting and then they just decide to go a little crazy, when i say crazy i mean running around the house and fight literraly fist fighting, i try seperating them and then i turn into the bad guy. I do feel like i am sinking sometimes, but i do realise all kids get over excited but sometimes i feel i do it all on my own!

OP posts:

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:27

well, stop trying to do stuff.

Just do it.

You are the parent. You are in control.

Atm, it sounds like you don't feel it and you're sinking. Are you alone? Is there anyone to support you?

The thing I always say to myself when I feel like this is that I am their mother, not their mate. They are not always going to like me. Sometimes, they are going to hate me. And that's ok. Because I love them and everything I do I do with their best interests at heart and I'm playing the long-term game here.

If that makes any sense?

Original poster

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 17:31

thank you that does make sense, i am married and when he is at home it is defiantly easier but he works long hours and has his football ect ect, but i do understand what you are saying. I defiantly need to be harder and when i mean it i do need to actually mean it. I love them so much and i no what i say is for the best, and i will try :)

OP posts:

missmapp · 20/12/2010 17:32

Last year a firend of mine told her ds that if children were not good F.C put potatoes in their stockings instead of pressies. He had a few 'incidents' in the run up to christmas so she put three potatoes in his stockings ( although she didnt actuially take out any presents) THIS year he is being wonderful!!!

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 20/12/2010 17:35

I know you love them. It's hard, this parenting lark. some mad fool hands us a baby and we look at it and think SHIT! What am I supposed to do now!

and then we just wing it for the next 18 years and hope that we're not doing things that will one day be retold on the therapist's couch

firm and fair. consistant. and calm.

Oh and never get into arguments with them!

ItsKurriiiistmas · 20/12/2010 17:36

What are your normal sanctions? IMO it is unfair to make special occasion sanctions like 'Father Christmas won't give you any presents' 'your birthday will be cancelled' etc. These are once a year things, and they are over excited which is natural.

I would run/walk them (like dogs ), first thing to get rid of some energy, then they might be more likely to settle down to something quieter. Have a few activities up your sleeve for when they get difficult, - a couple of blanketS over chairs to make a den where they can eat a picnic lunch, a bag of dressing up clothes (just a few of your things you don't mind them playing with and a couple of hats and bags). Some crafty things (cutting snowflakes out of paper, egg box decorations etc. (look online often you can download things to make/colour in). And some jobs as well (tidying up to make room for new toys, cooking, veggie peeling and chopping - if they are old enough)

If they get very stroppy, separate - one dong something quiet in one room, another in with you helping with jobs, then swap round.

I think everyone with young kids feels as if they are reaching the end of their tether in the build up to Christmas - life would be much easier if they didn't break up until the 23rd!

classydiva · 20/12/2010 17:38

they are bored, give them something to do, bake cakes with them, paint with them, take them out for Burger King.

I think it is mean to say to children you won't get any presents you know that is not going to happen.

ItsKurriiiistmas · 20/12/2010 17:38

doing not dong

Original poster

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 17:39

Thank you, its nice to hear other people's opinions and advice, i no i do try my best but you are definatly right i do need to be consistant, kids are definatly here to test you.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/12/2010 17:40

NEVER threaten something and not carry it out

your dc know you dont mean it and ignore you

better to send to bed early/take away fav toy/ban tv etc

you need to find a punishment threat that bugs them but doesnt ruin your day

TheCrackFox · 20/12/2010 17:50

You know they won't believe you? They know you are nice really.

The past week my boys have been unbearable hardwork due to combination of snow and Christmas excitement. Gin has helped massively.

narkypuffin · 20/12/2010 17:53

"I try seperating them and then i turn into the bad guy."

Embrace your inner bad guy. Work out a system and stick with it.

Narky System: you calmly give 1 warning explaining what the consequences will be if a specified behaviour continues.

If they continue always follow through- evil cackling in your head can help drown out the whinging/crying/screaming.

Don't use OTT threats or consequences or start stacking punishments- eg if they carry on hitting after a warning and then call you a name give the punishment for hitting. If see that you're losing your temper and control they'll just get worse.

Don't go back on the consequences eg no tv tonight even if they go all sweet and apologise afterwards, but if they're calm and the punishment is sorted move on.

Apply wine liberally

Eat their chocolate coins from Santa

sleepingsowell · 20/12/2010 18:11

Good post and advice from narky.
I think with fights it's easier for them and you if you clearly impose a 'no fighting' rule. Any sign of any physical tussling and they get the warning and then the consequence whatever it is you decide. Then there are no grey areas.
Try and get out as much as you can this week, it is THE hardest week isn't it in the lead up to the big day!. Maybe try and be out all morning, then organise some crafty stuff or a project for each afternoon so that you don't have hours stretching ahead of you all which leads them to start feeling a fight might be in order!
Also, I think your husband should support you; TELL him that you are having a rotten time and you are knackered and that he needs to prioritise his family time ABOVE football for a while to ensure that you can establish some strong boundaries and get his support to settle the kids into knowing that you will follow through.
You sound like a single parent from your post so I think it is time your husband stepped up even if only for a few weeks.

junkcollector · 20/12/2010 18:15

I feel your pain. This aft I Wrapped mine up warm and chucked them outside.

They had fun playing in the snow and were 100% better for a bit of fresh air. And I got to drink a cup of tea without sofa cushions flying past.

Lara2 · 20/12/2010 18:16

The best thing someone told me was:

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Otherwise, just keep quiet.

narkypuffin · 20/12/2010 18:26

Oh yes. The other side of the double glazing-- Outside is good for them. As much as possible.

Original poster

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 18:50

These are all good ideas and thank you all for the advice and sleepingsowell i agree i think he needs to do a bit more with them.He is not a bad dad by any measure but i do think sometimes it does not hurt either them or him to spend time together.He does work hard and deserves his own time but i do feel its me the kids and four walls most days. It does get lonely

OP posts:

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