SIL and MIL at Christmas

[onceamai]

For the last 20 years, with three exceptions (one of which was when my father was dying and the MIL showed off), I have hosted Christmas at our house. FIL died in 2008 and sometimes I feel I'm the only that has cared about either MIL's feelings, DH's or the DC's feelings.

What really annoys me is the fact that SIL doesn't even bother to phone her mother on Christmas Day - never has. The reason is that SIL is too poor and money is very tight. SIL lives on another continent and I would have thought that you make money available to phone your mother on Christmas Day if you can't be with her. The SIL has only been home three times in 20 years and didn't come for her father's funeral because of the stress and the distance involved for a short(ish) visit. DH offered to pay her fares.

I think what really annoys me is that I have just let SIL's behaviour ride for too many years. On one of the occasions she visited she was just plain lazy. She did nothing to set boundaries for her three year old who at Center Parcs was lifting the decorative stones off the water fountains and throwing them at other children. She spent four days letting DH and I pay for or cook meals, and supervise three children whilst she laid on the sofa reading. Never once did she put her hand in her pocket to offer even a coffee.

Am I being unreasonable to be sick of all the poor SIL, and SIL's so hard up stuff. SIL btw originally told me not to marry DH because he was a capitalist bastard and sneered down her nose at me for working for a Bank and not having gone to uni. To top it all MIL revels in telling me I am extremely extravagant. I don't think I am, unless a pair of Boden trousers is extravagant. And I work full time although had 8 years off looking after the dc.

SIL and her partner are artists by the way. She's been an artist for 20 years now and has sold one painting! Would I be unreasonablel this Xmas to turn round to MIL and say something like "well if they got proper boring jobs like the rest of us they wouldn't be so skint would they"?

I don't think you need to say that to MIL - it's blindingly obvious isn't it?

YANBU - I hate relatives or friends with chips on their shoulders, SIL sounds like a free riding lazy cow and MIL should keep her opinions to herself!

One painting in 20 years - hilarious!

fantasy lives are poor ones

So you don't have to do much with SIL, just listen to MIL talk about her? i would say then YABU - this is your MIL's child, who obviously doesn't care much about her mother. It must be hard for MIL to accept that and will be making excuses for her DD's behaviour to herself and to others. You don't need to believe those excuses, but it would be cruel to MIL to make it clear she's wrong.

Oh, and SIL can only freeload off you if you let her. Don't. That's different from being polite about her to your MIL.

'SIL btw originally told me not to marry DH because he was a capitalist bastard and sneered down her nose at me for working for a Bank and not having gone to uni.'

she can't help being a socialist. Just ignore it, everyone is different. She may see the light one day and have a photo of Thatcher next to a photo of Mrevyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England. Then she will be like the Prodigal SIL and there will be rejoicing.

'She spent four days letting DH and I pay for or cook meals, and supervise three children whilst she laid on the sofa reading. Never once did she put her hand in her pocket to offer even a coffee.'

sounds like a fervent believer in the Labour manifesto

I;m not sure why you're getting het up over a SIL you dont see. Whether she rings her mum on Christmas Day or not is nothing to do with you. Their business not yours. She also didnt let you pay for, cook and supervise 3 children, you allowed her to do that.

As she's only been home 3 times in 20 years, I presume the most you have also seen her is 3 times. Hardly worth getting upset about if you only have to put up with her once every 7 years.

I presume, as you have shown more attention to MIL than she has that your MIL considers you more of a daughter than she is.

I don't really get why you are so upset with your SIL. She seems like a bit of a selfish cow alright but I don't see how it effects you. She can hardly host Christmas dinner if she is not in the country. Why do you care whether she rings her mother or not? If your MIL is OK with it than its no skin off your nose. Persumably if MIL was that bothered she would ring her herself or go out and visit her for Christmas.
She comes home extremely rarely and on one of those occassions she took the complete piss. So lesson learned don't let it happen nest time. But causing a hulabaloo with your MIL at Christmas over it seems silly and childish. Its hardly her fault SIL took advantage of you.
If you have an issue at always doing Christmas why not ask MIL can you do alternate years from now on?

Yanbu

In answer to a couple of questions, MIL would never alternative Christmas, because she hates cooking and is extremely mean and it would be a pretty miserable affair. Until the MIL's parents died it was also good for the PIL to come to us because MIL's parents lived quite near us. (The PIL are 200 or so miles away). I accept I made a rod for my own back.

Also, I don't think I'm treated as an equal to either SIL. MIL constantly makes little digs about me not having been as academic as her children (although I have an MBA now just did it all later and with DC underfoot), about how wonderful it is that I'm such a good cook because I'm so practical, ie, not clever, etc.. She topped it at the FIL's funeral when only DH and SIL 2 were allowed to accompany her to the crematorium after the church service. SIL2 also lives abroad but it is more "normal" than SIL1.

Next time she kicks off about SIL say you admire her so much, as you know you would never be able to sacrifice so much- ie a career, being financially stable, providing for your children's future, having a warm home and food on the table- in the pursuit of an artistic goal for so little reward- one painting sold in twenty years.

And anyway, even if SIL can't provide her DCs with the financial support they'll need academically, they can always pay their own way and do it later in life, like you did.

Lolol, Narky - that sounds like a good one-liner. And it's not even that hard to sell a painting either - even I have managed it, and there are amateur painters in my art class who have sold several at our art exhibitions.