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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH needs a break

23 replies

KalokiMallow · 19/12/2010 20:41

(This is on behalf of my DH)

One of DH's friends is currently going through a messy divorce and is really struggling. So for the last week or so has been calling DH for support.

DH is on the phone for at least an hour at a time, though the record conversation was 4 hours and lasted till 2am. The phone calls are at least twice a day, often more than that. He hasn't had a single day without a call. Even on days when we've been out and busy from 9am to 8pm, he still gets a call once we are back.

Now he is torn as he wants to be there for his friend but is not getting a minute to himself, a couple of times he's only had long enough off the phone to eat and use the bathroom! Some of you may have read my previous threads and know things are fairly stressful for us anyway.

Is he BU to want at least a day without a phone call? Is he BU to sometimes turn his phone off?

Also, what advice do you have to help him get a break. His friend seems to have no one else to talk to (he can't even tell his parents!! Not his choice I hasten to add) so poor DH is his first port of call when he is struggling - which he is doing a lot.

OP posts:

IAmReallyFabNow · 19/12/2010 20:43

If your dh finds the calls too long he needs to find a way of cutting the calls shorter. Dinner's ready, his children/wife needs him, someone at the door, etc.

MumNWLondon · 19/12/2010 20:45

Your DH has to set boundaries, eg turn phone off or not answer it, or say he has to go as its his bedtime.

Hassledge · 19/12/2010 20:46

Your DH needs to a) tell friend the phone number of the Samaritans and b) then tell friend that he's going to be off-radar for a few days. And explain why - while he's very supportive, cares a great deal etc., he needs a bit of family time and a bit of a break. Then switch mobile off and get call-screening for the landline if you can.

The friend won't be happy but it may result in him seeking proper counselling elsewhere, which is what he probably needs. As long as your DH reassures him that it's not lack of care or interest, then when the dust has settled it will be fine.

Original poster

KalokiMallow · 19/12/2010 20:47

We've been trying making excuses (usually involves me yelling something in the background) but he just calls back later on. DH tried turning the phone off earlier, but when he turned it back on there was a message saying "really not coping, please can I call you?"

OP posts:

Hassledge · 19/12/2010 20:55

Is there a sibling of the friend your DH could approach? Or any mutual friends who could share the load a bit?

TrillianAstra · 19/12/2010 20:57

"If you call me any more I will be the one who is not coping"

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 19/12/2010 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KalokiMallow · 19/12/2010 21:09

Trillian DH smiled at that :)

hassledge Unfortunately not. DH has never met his family, they all live abroad. And they have no mutual friends.

brandy He likes that idea, though as they are both geeks, they both have Skype.

This guy is lovely, really sweet, but so dependant on DH now :(

OP posts:

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 19/12/2010 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merlotmonster · 19/12/2010 21:38

very sorry for your husband and his friend....feel the friend needs to seek medical help...cant your hubby go to the doctor with him...Ive been in a similar situation when you are very depressed you can cling to friends...but understand how time consuming this is too...

hope it all works out x

NestaFiesta · 19/12/2010 23:13

Poor DH. Maybe he could say something like

"I can only help you through the first stage, which is offloading. Now you need a counselleor for stage 2. Here is a phone number, they will take over to help you heal/recover".

plupervert · 19/12/2010 23:15

I apologise for this idea, as it's tough for you, but could you take the phone and listen to him for a bit, to give your DH a rest, and to get through to him about other sources of help?

Original poster

KalokiMallow · 20/12/2010 00:38

Mentioned the Samaritans to DH, but he's already suggested that. I've also tried taking over the phone, but he doesn't want to talk to me either.

He's rapidly becoming very annoying.

OP posts:

greenbananas · 20/12/2010 01:20

I had a friend a bit like that, and after a while I realised that I was actually becoming part of his problem. It's not healthy to lean on one person so much - unless they have professional counselling skills!

It can be hard to explain to a good friend that you are feeling overwhelmed by them... not sure how your DH can put this tactfully.

Could your DH could signpost his friend to somebody that will help him work through some of his issues? There is free professional counselling at some YMCAs / voluntary organisations / churches etc. The doctor is obviously a good option but I'm not sure if doctors can help patients access counselling very quickly.

aurynne · 20/12/2010 02:10

Oh goodness, your DH has been burdened with an "eternal victim", as I call them. I am afraid nothing less than "I can't help you anymore" will work. Either that, or waiting until he finds another girlfriend, at which point the calls to your DH will suddenly vaporize.

I wonder if he will be there for your DH if he ever needs him. "Eternal victims" rarely are.

plupervert · 20/12/2010 09:08

Ah, right. If he doesn't want to talk to anyone but your DH, he doesn't actually want proper help.

In that case, maybe your DH could ring the Samaritans for himself, to get some help with dealing with this and everything else -and to tie up the line--.

StaryNightSky · 20/12/2010 10:10

Hiya

Have been there and done this, repeatedly. But with a femal friend and the calls were fo hours and hours and normally in the middle of night!

my DOH says (we have also done this) give you DH permission to take this poor guy out, get him merry and just let the alchol lead his talking. Normally this will mean that he can unburden in one night rather than in drips over many nights. Also face to face (MAN to Man) is a lot easy to deal with.

Your DH, friend needs help and support, I know it is burden but think of the bigger pciture this guys life is horrible at the moment, and he needs support and help.

Also what is he doing for Christmas? You may hate this idea but it would be better to have in your house, than on the phone, and heaven help what would happen if he is depressed without someone to talk to.

Sorry I know it is Burden to your OH and there are probably things he would much rather be doing. But a friend is a friend in good times and in bad.

ginhag · 20/12/2010 10:31

Sounds incredibly tough on your DH but I think the poster who branded DH's friend as an 'eternal victim' is being a bit harsh- a week is not an eternity by any stretch!

DP and my best mate utterly fell apart after a split a few years ago, it was a nightmare as he dealt with it SO badly and we literally couldn't leave him alone. So I really sympathise with the OP.

The one thing I can say though is that our friend did get better, and I can honestly say that although looking back an utterly lousy time was had by all, I am glad that we were there for him when he was at his lowest.

Sorry, that isn't really advice, I just wanted to say that it is unlikely this will last forever. Of course your DH may need to find ways to get some space as others have advised, but classing someone as an eternal victim when they are obviously having a horrible time just doesn't seem helpful to me.

I hope things get better for you all very soon.

ginhag · 20/12/2010 10:34

I can't type in a way that makes sense :)

'DP and my best friend' should really have read 'our best friend' or something as I made it sound like DP and friend were the ones who split up!

Original poster

KalokiMallow · 25/12/2010 14:09

Just an update.

DH had to speak to the wife of his friend, and barely said anything, he was just listening to her side.

Of course she then rings up DH's friend and says that my DH has "laid into her"

DH then sent her a message pointing out that this never happened and he'd rather she didn't lie about him in that way. She then runs back to DH's friend and accuses my DH of threatening her

Which means DH's friend sends a message to DH telling him to leave her alone. Then admits in a later message that he knows she keeps lying about what people are saying to her. (Yet he still assumed that she was telling the truth?)

So DH has told him he needs a break, and that he isn't willing to put up with her lies, or get dragged into their fight.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/12/2010 14:14

All this? On Christmas day?

Switch phone off I think!

Original poster

KalokiMallow · 25/12/2010 14:16

It was actually all about midnight last night, phone is definitely staying off today!

OP posts:

plupervert · 27/12/2010 23:55

Oh, bloody hell.

Perhaps they are engaging with one another again, though. This sounds like "defensive" behaviour to me.

Good news for you and DH, that you are out of the loop for the time being!

Happy third day of Christmas. We are celebrating every one of them, in this household, and it sounds as though you might need to drag out the festival yourselves, in order to make sure you have a few clear days of proper celebration!

Best wishes.

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