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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to my dc

24 replies

carrotcake29 · 19/12/2010 19:13

Very long, very detailed history with my parents has recently meant that I wrote a letter to my parents telling them that I no longer wanted contact with them. I was exhausted at their selfish, cruel and spiteful behaviour with people and I had a real resentment towards how they brought me and my dbros up. Anyway, this happened about a month ago and I have not had a response to my letter. My parents have told the rest of the family that they will not contact me again.
I am however extremely worried about how my 5 year old and to a lesser extent my 2 year will take it. I honestly expected my parents to come forward and apologise and ask to build bridges (which I was prepared to do) but they have not. I have since then realised that they have not sent their christmas cards to my children and will not send them any presents. I almost expected them to try and keep up some contact with the children or atleast fight for our relationship a little.
I am in the difficult position now of explaining to my daughter as she is now asking when we will see them for christmas etc and I have no answers for her....I feel I have let her down.

OP posts:
activate · 19/12/2010 19:15

tell her you're doing something else and get together with friends instead

Whilst I don't think you've done anything wrong if you are at that stage, you should have done it knowing it was final and not expecting them to react in a certain a way - if you have this expectation you are giving them back the power and will be hurt

the kids will be fine - lots of kids grow up without grandparents

PublicHair · 19/12/2010 19:19

sorry to hear things weren't good, but you seem to have thrown an enormous tantrum and it's spectacularly backfired on you.
you must've considered they'd go 'fair enough' and think you were serious.
if you are prepared to go and eat humble pie (as that's what you'd be doing) then you need a go between or an apology to go back to your parents, or you need to say- we're not going to see granny for a while as she and mummy have different ideas about things and we can't work round them at the moment'

IAmReallyFabNow · 19/12/2010 19:21

You haven't let them down.

My dd keeps asking me questions about my mother and I am handling it all wrong according to some people but I am only doing what I feel I can deal with at the moment.

hairyfairylights · 19/12/2010 19:22

Well you seem to have made an ultimatum you were not prepared to go through with so yabu to your kids to some extent.

Can't be easy fir you tho :(

hairyfairylights · 19/12/2010 19:22

Well you seem to have made an ultimatum you were not prepared to go through with so yabu to your kids to some extent.

Can't be easy fir you tho :(

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 19/12/2010 19:25

I think your dc will adapt,However I do think you need to have a little bit of (age appropriate) honesty with them. DO NOT LIE You need to gently introduce the idea that she will not be seeing them again in the near future, which may result in more conversations/ questions intially but will eventually tail off if she gets a similar response each time.

Materially they may be margially worse off, but emotionally with an ultimately, (you may not feel it atm) happier mum, she will be far far better off.

mousesma · 19/12/2010 19:27

I'm sorry your relationship with your parents has deterioated so badly but if you wrote a letter to them saying you no longer wanted to see them then they can't really be blamed for taking you at your word.

You need to either bite the bullet and contact them and explain that you were angry but you still want to see them as long as you can work through your problems. If you can't do this then you need to accept that they're not going to be a part of your life anymore and explain to your children in the way PublicHair suggests.

cat64 · 19/12/2010 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PorcupineA · 19/12/2010 19:28

You should have posted this in Relationships as you may get more people who understand why sometimes parents have to be cut off. You are not having a tantrum IMO.

It is a common feeling that toxic people will suddenly understand what they have been doing wrong and will apologise and start to behave normally.

It sounds like you haven't read enough or had any counselling surrounding this huge issue. Please get some counselling to talk through it all. I'm afraid your parents aren't going to change.

With regard to your children, I know it is hard but you have to think of it as protecting them from the kind of behaviour which you and your brothers suffered. So long as you are clear and genuine to your dcs that it is best not to see them then I am sure they will accept that and get used to it. Good luck with it all but do get some support.

mousesma · 19/12/2010 19:28

p.s. none of this means you have let your children down.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2010 19:29

You wrote to your parents telling them you no longer wanted to see them. They took you at your word.

What did you expect to happen?

Original poster
carrotcake29 · 19/12/2010 19:35

Thank you so much for replying and you are all quite right in suggesting that maybe I shouldn't have written the letter if I did not want to take the consequences. I guess I was thinking if my daughter write me a letter like that I would beg for forgiveness, anything not to lose her and my grandchildren...
But that has not happened and it has convinced me that I have made the right decision. I just feel guilty I guess that I have made the final decision and they will not yet understand how their gp's would have had such a negative impact on their life in the long run.
Thankyou to everyone for your advice on how to talk to my dd.

OP posts:
PublicHair · 19/12/2010 19:40

porcupine, i disagree and went through this myself last Xmas and earlier this year with my own family.
my mother threw a tantrum the moral of this story is 'don't say something you aren't prepared to follow through'
(for what it's worth my child moved out and moved in with my sister with the backing of my mother for several weeks,i could've backed down and said 'come home at any cost and do what you want when you want' or 'if you come home you toe the line-when you're ready to do that you can come home' it killed me to do it but don't make a promise you wont carry out)

PublicHair · 19/12/2010 19:42

carrot,i didn't speak to mine for a good few weeks maybe 6 or 7,they eventually arrived here with an olive branch and an apology after they realised i meant it.
we now have a better relationship as they know i am not prepared to deal with the shit they flung on a regular basis.

TheBrandyButterflyEffect · 19/12/2010 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
carrotcake29 · 19/12/2010 19:47

I have to say I haven't thrown a tantrum. I have ervry intention of carrying out what I what I said but I really thought that the shock of not seeing us again would have encouraged her to make a move towards apologising.
It is not simply that 'I haven't got my own way' about something and told them 'I never want to see them again'! They are very nasty people and I wanted them to realise how their behaviour can impact on and upset others.
I feel saddened that I have come to this as I am no longer part of my family as she had told them all her side of the story and I have stopped myself from 'stirring' knowing full well that if I told them what she and my dad had done, no-one would want to speak them.

OP posts:
Original poster
carrotcake29 · 19/12/2010 19:48

I am glad publichair that you stood your ground - well done! It is better in the long run for you now Smile

OP posts:
PublicHair · 19/12/2010 19:50

you just need to try and let it go.

Jynxed · 19/12/2010 19:52

I have had no contact with my parents for a couple of years now, precisely because they started to repeat the behaviour we endured as children with my own DCs. I have cut all links to protect my kids. I don't feel guilty for my DCs, they are missing nothing, but do occasionally feel sad that my parents are missing out, and that maybe if I were a better person I would try and heal the breach so that they don't die unloved and alone. Then I think, nah, they bloody deserve it and my life is soooo much better without them in it!

Original poster
carrotcake29 · 19/12/2010 19:55

jynxed - your situation sounds familiar to me and I hope that when the dust settles I feel the same as you!

OP posts:
lovingthesun · 19/12/2010 19:55

sorry to hear this has happened & if things are that bad, why would you want your DC to see them ?

Assuming you don't want to revel what has happened, perhaps, instead of 'protecting' your parents, you should tell the rest of the family what is going on ?

There is always 2 sides to every story & even just talking about it will make some progess in helping you to resolve the issues.

Agree that you should never assume that people will react the way you want them too.

Ref dealing with your DC, just say they/you are busy & you don't have time to see them at the mo.Of course if it goes on for any length of time honesty is the best way to go, so say you aren't friends at the mo.
They'll understand.

nzshar · 19/12/2010 20:06

I really wonder why you did what you did if you weren't prepared for the consequences. Do you really not know your parents well enough to know that this may have happened? You need to either go back to your parents tail between your legs or explain to your children that you will not be seeing them over the xmas period. Sheesh

Original poster
carrotcake29 · 19/12/2010 20:09

I do not need to go back to my parents with tail between my legs because I have done nothing wrong. It would surely be unnatural of me to not feel some kind of hurt and upset over the situation of becoming estranged from my parents. Yes it has been my choice BUT it has been a dreadful and difficult one that is upsetting to me.

OP posts:
nzshar · 19/12/2010 20:13

OK then pick yourself up (from a person who broke contact with her father) tell you DD that her grandparents will not be around this christmas and have a great one with your family. If they are toxic as you say then although it hurts a bit, it is better they are not around (at least not until on YOUR terms) than ruining your christmas.

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