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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not agree to this with my daughter?

47 replies

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 20:49

My dd is 14. During the summer, she went on a week activity course. She knew noone on it, and made friends with a girl on it. The girl lives in a city 30 minutes from where we are.

My daughter has just come to tell me not ask that she's meeting this girl in the city centre on Monday morning. I said what time she said 10ish, I said how, she said by train, I said what time home, she said I'll make sure to be home by time you get in from work 5ish.

I said no way none of this is appropriate. I said you are not going to go in to a city centre by yourself to go and meet someone you hardly know, with no backup whilst I am at work.

The compromise I came with is - we have a nanny for younger siblings, who are out at all day activity clubs on the day. I said the nanny will take you to meet this girl in the centre, if there is anything about this that she doesn't like, i.e. there's other people with the girl, my daughter won't be left. Otherwise, she'll have 2 hours in indoor shopping centre with this girl, and the nanny will stay in the centre, and will take her home again at end.

TBH I don't even feel 100% comfortable about this but can't say why.

AIBU?

What would you do?

OP posts:

violethill · 18/12/2010 21:19

But she's not meeting some random stranger - she's meeting up with a friend she spent a week with, a few months back.

TBH, given that you were happy for her to attend a week long summer activity course where she knew nobody, I think it sounds a little over protective to now worry about a relatively short train journey during daylight hours. She sounds as though she's a pretty independent young woman.

Its good that you have a compromise, btw, I just think given her previous independence, its a bit odd to feel so wary

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 18/12/2010 21:21

surely if she didn't show up then your DD would just get the train home again

Original poster

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 21:24

I know violethill that's what I mean, I'm retracting the strings that once were almost invisible, each month that passes.

So I am being a bit U.

No Baroqin that's where things go a bit wrong, because she wouldn't know how long to wait, before thinking they are not going to show. She'd wander, get worried etc.

She also only looks 10yo.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 21:29

Oh well - all's well that ends well.

BUT at 14 she should be well able to take the train to town and meet a friend in the middle of the day.

If the friend hadn't turned up, have a hot chocolate a bit of a mooch around the shops and take the train home again.

This girl isn't a stranger, it's a girl she did an intensive week with - I'm suprised as she lives so close they haven't met up since the course tbh.

I think your compromise would have been perfect if she had met the girl on line - just to be sure it was all up front and not a hairy trucker, but as she already knows her, I feel it's a bit OTT.

Anyway, you are happy, DD is happy - so it doesn't matter what I think

Original poster

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 21:41

But I appreciate another opinion

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 21:50

BitOfFun · 18/12/2010 22:01

Aw, that's nice- she sounds lovely.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 18/12/2010 22:13

Was just wondering sorry- what are the trains like with weather in your area? I'm oop north an would want dd getting stuck etc if the snow got in the way?
I think it would be good for your nanny to sit with a book in a coffee shop in the shopping centre (if she wouldn't mind) and for dd to know exactly where she is so she can meet up with her if things go a bit wrong.
Also (sorry!) I would ask for the other girls mothers phone number so that if anything were to get hairy -or you couldn't get hold of dd etc you would be able to speak to another adult.

Sorry for the ramble!

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 18/12/2010 22:14

*wouldn't!!!

Original poster

christmaswrapping · 18/12/2010 22:42

Currently they've been running, but I did say that as well.
Nanny will prob do something similar or let dd know what's she doing.

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/12/2010 22:54

Bless her.

It is diffisult, to let her have freedom without thinking it is too much, too soon.

I nevr let dd out at night (we live in a city centre, it's not really appropriate) however she has friends who live in villages who are allowed out at all hours.

I would have kittens if she was out after dark, but some of my friends are at me.

At the back of my mind always is the irrational fear that something awful will happen if you take your eye off the ball.

That said, dd gets a lot of freedom in many ways and repays it by being beautifully behaved and a treasure.

splashy · 18/12/2010 23:29

I am a little surprised that you want a nanny to accompany your 14 yo dd. I had a lot more freedom at that age.

But you do know your daughter best.

cory · 19/12/2010 08:18

I put up my hands to not knowing all of 14yo dd's school friends and I do allow her to go shopping with them. I suppose I trust her to make reasonable decisions and to pull out if things look dodgy. In other words, the kind of decision that would be made by your nanny could equally be made by the teen herself if sufficiently mature. But you know your dd.

onmyfeet · 19/12/2010 08:27

I think you did well. I had no common sense at that age, but thought I knew everything. I had an aunt who was reasonable like you seem to be, who taught me how to be more aware while not stopping me having fun.

ShanahansRevenge · 19/12/2010 08:40

I think YABVU....your DD is 14 not 10...and she already knows this girl! At the same age I had friends all over North Wales and Cheshire who I met now and then...my Mother would not have dreamed of not alowing me...or sending the nanny! a Nanny going along with a 14 year old is a bit odd imo.

APixieInMyTea · 19/12/2010 10:15

I agree with PP.

I would have laughed if my mum said I had to have a nanny accompany me on a day out to meet friends at 14yrs old.

My mum was strict but even she would think that was a bit too far.

Sorry, if she's a good kid as you say then there shouldn't be a problem.

Do however insist that her phone is fully charged and in her pocket before she leaves the house so she can phone you/ you phone her if anything happens.

ChippingIn · 20/12/2010 17:59

Did they go? How was it??

Original poster

christmaswrapping · 20/12/2010 20:31

They went. My dd and the nanny used a code to text, if she wanted to get out of it.

All was fine, but when my dd had enough she was glad she had the get out of the nanny being there and had to go due to lift.

Fortunately for our family this was the right call. She went and I was able to work relaxed, nanny finished off xmas shop.

Everyone happy

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 21/12/2010 02:54

I'm glad it all worked out for you :)

Pleased they both made it home in the snow too - not sure how it was your way, but it was pretty heavy here!

InPraiseOfBacchus · 21/12/2010 10:03

I was hopping on trains to meet people (locally) at 14. It's a credit to your good parenting that she took the time to tell you where/when she was going and inform you of the precise timing!

I'd have been mortified if mother had sent nanny with me at age 14! It's almost Victorian! I would have been grudgingly sent off with exact times to be back, and made to promise to be contactable my mobile at all times, but not with Nanny!

Is there a friend of the same age, that you know, who she could travel there with?

InPraiseOfBacchus · 21/12/2010 10:04

Ah, just realised the whole event's been and gone. Glad you felt you made the right decision and it all worked out for the best!

TrillianAstra · 21/12/2010 10:13

Are 14 yr olds not allowed to take a train for 30 minutes to go shopping?

I imagine plenty of teenagers, if they knew you would be ok with them saying 'I am going into the nearby town to meet Rachel (who you know well) back by 5', would say that and actually go to the further-away city to meet Mike (who you have no idea exists).

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