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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell dd that dh and I are separating before Christmas?

49 replies

Lucyintheskywithdiamonds · 18/12/2010 12:38

DH and I have separated, although he is still living here. He was meant to be moving out today but this has fallen through until January 17th. I think it is still a good idea to tell dd1 (8) what is going on this weekend. (not dd2 (3) as she obviously has less understanding.) for several reasons:

she will have christmas to distract her to a certain extent
she will have her family around her over christmas to support her
I think she may well pick up on something, if she hasn't already, which i don't think she has.
she has two weeks to get used to the idea before she goes back to school
she has a while to get used to the idea before dh moves out

however, dh thinks we shouldn't tell her as he thinks it will ruin this and future christmases for her. I can see this point of view but I think she will have the usual anti climax after christmas anyway and then we will say 'and by the way daddy's moving out'and there is nothing to say that she won't associate with christmas anyway.
so WWYD? thanks.

OP posts:
Truckulent · 18/12/2010 15:29

I'd let them enjoy their last Chirtmas together as this version of the family before their lives are turned upside down.

atswimtwolengths · 18/12/2010 15:35

I fully agree that you should give her some time before she goes back to school.

Given their ages, you should tell them separately - tell the older child first.

If you are too friendly to your husband then it will be more of a shock to your daughter. I tried to keep everything sweet at home and my children were really shocked that we were splitting up - they'd had no inkling at all.

It's so difficult - I have to say it was the worst thing I've ever had to do and have wondered since whether we should have tried harder to stay together. (Not saying you're in the same boat at all.)

Is there any chance of going away with the children for a few days on your own? I told mine the night before a trip to my sister's and it did help take their mind off it. Also, it's easier to talk in the car, I find.

ChippingIn · 18/12/2010 15:36

Spidookly - because if it's the 15th of January they're told and he moves out on the 17th of January, those dates don't 'mean' anything - being young she/they may not even remember the exact date in years to come.

However, 'Christmas' is fairly inescapable isn't it, the break up will always be linked to Christmas for them and as it seems to start in August in the shops here now it's a good part of the year it's thrown into her face. All the adverts, Christmas carols, just everything.

You are lucky if you only have good associations with Christmas and quite frankly, I would do anything not to create negative associations with it for anyone - especially a small child.

Original poster
Lucyintheskywithdiamonds · 18/12/2010 15:48

Ok thanks all for your help.We will tell them after the New Year then.

OP posts:
MummyEms · 18/12/2010 15:48

Because Christmas is a fun/happy time of the year...loads of people celebrate and have parties...if you hate Christmas because you have bad memories then you won't enoy these celebrations.

Most people hate January so hating it more is fine.

Children LOVE Christmas...to take this away from them is just simply cruel!

dietcokesholidaysarecoming · 18/12/2010 15:54

Please don't prolong her grief. Tell Her a day or two before he actually moves out.

RedRosie · 18/12/2010 16:14

Lucy - no advice, just wanted to say how sad it must be for you and your DH to be facing this and feeling like this at this time of year.

Have the best Christmas you can with your DCs, and try to make it special for them...

MrsNonSmoker · 18/12/2010 16:33

RedRosie has the best advice. Make it as good as possible even if it feels like hell. Good luck.

mumeeee · 18/12/2010 16:38

Don't tell her before Christmas. You should tell both girls at the same time as your older DD will find it hard not to tell her sister

Pancakeflipper · 18/12/2010 16:50

Tell them a few days before he moves. To tell them then for him to still be there 3 weeks later - it's just confusing for a child. They'll think things are ok again.

Truckulent · 18/12/2010 16:54

There's good advice on here For parents and children about separation.

www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents-and-carers/positive-parenting/changing-families/changing-families_wda75443.html

duchesse · 18/12/2010 16:59

I don't think you should tell her before. Three weeks is a very long time to a child. I agree with those who have said wait until a few days beforehand. There's nothing she can do about it and she will be stressed out of her mind, poor little thing, and may never view Christmas in quite the same way again. Make this Christmas as lovely as you can for them and tell her the week before it actually happens.

And don't underestimate how much the 3 yo can understand- tell her differently and in a more age-appropriate way and at a different time (maybe even sooner before Daddy leaves) but make sure you tell her properly. All children of her age (and any age really) really want to know is that they will still be looked after properly and that Mummy and Daddy still love them just as much as before even if they don't live together any more. Oh and also that it's absolutely not their fault! Very important especially for the 8yo.

onceamai · 18/12/2010 17:06

If you tell her you are separating now and he stays in the home for another three weeks, she will start to feel confused and to think it won't happen so when he goes there will be pain all over again. And it will ruin and override all her memories of christmas. Mummy and daddy said they were separating, then they didn't and christmas was OK and I thought it was OK because it was Christmas then after christmas it all happened again.

Make it one clean break - please. The dragging out and final realisation is just awful.

I know it will be hard and I am sorry for all of you but please make one last christmas normal and special and next year the split won't be associated with christmas so it will just be a separation to deal with.
Don't give her the memory of christmas being the time that mummy and daddy split and nothing was ever the same again.

Silver1 · 18/12/2010 17:12

The OP has said she'll wait now.

It is just very sad for those two little girls, but at least they will have one more Christmas, and then can move on in to the new lives that their parents will hopefully amicably forge out between them. +

Punkatheart · 18/12/2010 17:25

You sad that you have to go through all this...you must be feeling wretched. Rotten time of year for it...the problem with things happening at Christmas is that people can then get morbid at future Christmases...'That was the time my parents separated'....'My grandma died.' etc. That said, how long after Christmas do you leave it?

Sorry - I haven't really been able to advise. But remember one thing...be kind to yourself too. Have a good Christmas with your child and remember that this is the future now.....happiness is within your grasp...

Animation · 18/12/2010 17:56

Christmas is a magical time for kids and a more emotional time generally for the adults. I don't see the point in burdening an 8 year old with it.

Why does she need your reality spelling out?

Keep things routined - there's no need for a drama, and if you do make this into a drama it WILL be triggering.

TheFoosa · 18/12/2010 18:04

well, my parents told me they were splitting up on Christmas Eve, I was 36 but it still pissed over my entire Christmas

I would leave it until the New Year

sleepingsowell · 18/12/2010 18:48

TheFoosa has said it all. 'well, my parents told me they were splitting up on Christmas Eve, I was 36 but it still pissed over my entire Christmas'...

christmaswishes · 18/12/2010 18:55

I agree tell them both in january. Dont tell any of them before christmas, as looking back all their memories will be of mum and dad splitting up. They will remember this time as a bad time every year. If you can remember your memories from childhood, you will always remeber good or bad at christmas. I have all my christmas memories.

x

bringmesomeFIGGYpudding · 18/12/2010 18:59

Its not massively helpful at all but I genuinely don't have any advice on when you should tell her, I just feel very sad for all of you Sad.

bringmesomeFIGGYpudding · 18/12/2010 19:00

Wow Foosa!

SaggyHairyArse · 18/12/2010 19:14

With my own children I didn't tell them just before their Dad was leaving as I thought they would go through the upset twice. Once when you tell them and again when Dad leaves.

AppleAndBlackberry · 18/12/2010 20:06

My parents separated when I was a similar age and the time waiting to move out was really stressful for me so as others have also said I think it's much too far in advance at the moment and it would be a lot easier for her to just have a couple of days notice.

poshsinglemum · 18/12/2010 20:50

I would tell her AFTER Christmas. Do you really want her in tears through the festive period?
Sometimes we have to tell white lies you know.
Christmas should be a magic time. NOT a trigger. Who gives a toss about January? New year; new start. It's more positive that way.

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