to hate H right now

[soangrysometimes]

the third work xmas party over the past fornight (his team's this time).

Last year was awful for him drinking to the point of being embarrassing, making an arse of himself. He told me after the first xmas party that more than one person mentioned the state he was in after last year's, and that gave him pause.

He was doing massively well (I feel so stupid having to use that type of phrase). First party he texted me all evening (used to have a habit of 'becoming uncontactable', or saying he'd be home around a certain time then calling me at that time to say he was staying out 'a bit longer'). Came home verging on drunk but okay, pleasant, had stolen me an ashtray.

Second party he was also great - called to check I was ok with him going out after the main event and when I balked a bit made it clear he appreciated my trusting him and did exactly what he said he would, including sharing a cab back, and kept in touch all the time.

Tonight was the last one and I was feeling good about it. But he missed the first half due to a work crisis and must've tried to 'catch up'. He was home on the dot of midnight, but he can barely stand and there's piss all down the front of his trousers and his eyes aren't focusing properly.

His issues with drinking (and to a lesser extent drugs), nearly broke us and I HATE feeling like a shrill fishwife or his fucking mother. I want to be ok with him going out drinking, I want to trust him.

He's going to say it's no big deal, he came home when he said he would (true), all that. But I am so furious and I am not entirely sure why.

He's sitting on the other sofa now trying to untie his fucking shoes and I fucking HATE him.

I don't blame you at all.
Unfortunately I don't know that its possible to maintain a middle ground with drinking when there has been a problem in the past. Its just that we alter chemically / and in terms of habits. I do think its an all or nothing situation with drinking.
My DH never did much but he was a dreadful flirt when pissed. Once I felt it went too far and I asked him what he was going to do about it. He realised that he had to just stop completely and is been 5 yrs. He has not touched a drop.

I hope you and he find a way through and that you get a break from supporting but feeling like its being thrown back at you, like it has tonight.

Yanbu.

Alcohol turns some people into arses.

My dh is one of them. I feel your pain.

He has been so brilliant recently. Just this morning he took the DCs to school so I could have a lie in (partly why he had to stay late), and he does kind and thoughtful things so frequently. I don't know why I am so devastated.

was he like this before you met ??? (getting previous backround)

We were like it together, which makes it harder. Used to go on benders together (met when I was 21 and he was 26).

I was the worse one, easily - made more of an idiot of myself, historically. He throws that in my face when he thinks I'm being OTT about his behaviour.

I had a wake-up call three years ago and don't do that anymore, he still has benders. It was really bad in late 08 and throughout 09, and so much better this year.

Very gently - you're too involved with his drinking. You shouldn't be, to this extent. It isn't healthy and it may even be enabling.

If you've not contacted Al-Anon or AdFam, I think you should. If you have - then you know that detaching and letting him get on with it, without getting promises or word or stated times/amounts is the way forward.

His drinking is his decision, and you can't alter or amend or control it. And the anger IS justified, if in the past he has hurt you badly.

I am assuming he has had counselling etc for it and they said he was a problem drinker rather than an alcoholic? If not, he needs to contact an agency and arrange some help IMO. It is affecting your marriage and your life together and this makes it a problem.

As to people saying "what is the issue" - he has his own piss down the front of his trousers. That is not a normal level of drunkeness in an adult, and it's a worrying one in a man with a history of drug and alcohol abuse.

Can you ask him to join AA?

and is he sleeping it off now whilst you're dealing with the kids..? that's where i am this morning. OP - I could have written your post word for word. I am in excatly the same situation and have posted a few times before about it..but then things get better and we bury our heads in the sand until the next time. it's a horrible situation. i think i might try al-anon as suggested above because i do have real issues with letting go, and i know i can't control his drinking - and that's what is making me so angry. why should i feel worse about his problems than he seems to?! becuase when he's sober (and most of the time) he does/says all right things..but then it's like a switch goes off after a few drinks and all responsibility/consideration goes. on thurs night we had a typical scenario of him saying he was on way to get train and then an hour later his phone's off and can't get hold of him. eventually he calls back to say he is not on train as went into a bar on way back (after 'being good and leaving friends') because he wanted some 'me time' FFS...what was a whole night out on the bloody town??? he is either in denial or simply can't understand why this infuriates me - it is about respect..if you say you're coming home, then come home, or call to say you're not..what's so hard about doing that?? because he knows deep down what he's doing is out of control. you're right OP it's not even about the time they get in - it's the state they get in. anyway i could rant for hoursa..but what to do? just put up with it? i'm not sure i can..this is not the sort of marriage i wanted. our current situation means i don't have many options right now but i fear the writing is on the wall for us...sooner or later. i hope you can resolve the issue OP - it might just make you feel a little better in the meantime to know you are not alone. it does me.

I completely understand what you are saying, OP. What is it with some people on the thread saying that pissing yourself is nothing. DH and I have never done that, nor have any of the other people that I have known (apart from my 'D' father).

I think your DH does need to take a good hard look at his drinking habits. It's all very well being home at the right time, but if he doesn't understand what's going on around him anything could have happened to him on the way home.

YANBU. He clearly has an alcohol problem and there's nothing you can do about it.

Hating him is normal at this stage because you think that if he tried, he could stop behaving like this. Once you realise that he can't or won't handle drink sensibly, the hatred fades but unfortunately so does the marriage. You can't trust someone like that or see them as an equal partner.

I think he needs to realise that work parties are not the same as other parties, at a work party you always need to remember that these are the people you will be back working with on Monday. How does he think they will feel about him when they remember the sight of him hardly able to stand wearing trousers covered in piss?

I feel so sorry for you and unless you have been in the same situation ie. living with someone who is an alcoholic then you have NO idea how hard it is, what huge levels of stress and anxiety it brings. And frankly for those telling the OP she is too controlling & he is allowed to 'let loose' etc - bollix! You clearly have no clue what it is like.

You have had some good advice - please contact al anon and take it from there. Do it regardless of whether he drinks again or not. Al anon will help YOU not him. Sadly he has to learn that the only person who can help him is himself and that lesson can take a loooooooooooong time to sink in, if ever.

Look after yourself, and don't doubt how you are feeling, if his drinking is making you feel like this then it IS a problem no matter how he will squirm out of it.

I feel for you, and anyone else in this situaion I really do as it is a sort of living hell.

Togarama and Millionaire - Your words are very wise, and resonate with me as someone who is in the same position as OP.

I have moved beyond hate now, and progressed to the next level which is loss of respect and trust, and a horrible kind of detachment has now set in, which is worse in a way thanthe hatred.

You seem very clued up on this area. Could you direct OP (and me) to any further sources of help or advice eg books or websites, as well as Al anon, of course?