.. to expect a 6yo girl I take to school NOT TO:

[AnonEnormousStuffedBird]

1. Answer back constantly
2. Mock and tease my children (and her brother)
3. Use swear words in my presence, or at all for that matter.

She is a right little madam, always has been, and when she is in my care (and my responsibility to get to school safely) I tell her fairly, but firmly, that I do not expect her to tease people, be cheeky with me or use certain unsavoury words that a 6yo should not even know, let alone use. If my child did it, I would treat them exactly the same, naturally. In fact I would be sterner with them. I choose my words with her very carefully so as not to be accused of picking her out or being unfair in anyway.

It's the end of term THANK GOD, but I am seriously considering ditching my school run as I find the behaviour intolerable. Her brother isn't much better (generally surly, uncommunicative, but not generally actively rude as it were). I very nearly lost it this week, but just about held it in other than a "please can we just get to school without a fight today".

Would you tell the parent? At what point do you? Or do I just cut and run and forget it?

I feel bad as the days I take are the days the other mum starts work early, so it's a big help to her. And of course, the days she takes are a big help to me too...

But I am close the point of enough is enough!

do you have a reciprocal arrangement?

Yes, we largely share the mornings 2-3 or 3-2 depends slightly week to week. It's a good arrangement for both parties, but I am fed of being bossed at by this little upstart.

The other day when all four were going a bit loopy in the car (so I did NOT single her out) I had to say, look guys, please calm down, this is very distracting whilst I drive. And she was immediately, "Yeah, right, we heard you".

HAve you said to the girl that if she carries on swearing and teasing and being rude, that you will have to stop taking her to school and have to tell her mother exactly why? Perhaps the thought of that might be enough to help her moderate her ways. If it doesn't, then personally I'd give it up. No point making your own children's journey to school miserable every day, is there!

Have you mentioned to the other mum how annoying her child has been?
I'd tell her mum that she is swearing and being unco operative making it very difficult for you to continue

I'm sure someone here will have some tactful ways of phrasing it

I had a reciprocal arrangment and stopped it after a term....it just doesn't work out sometimes. My dd and the other girl bickered the whole time - and time wise the other family took the piss and I used to end up looking after her for 2.5 hours after school, while they only had my dd for an hour. I didn't bother discussing it - I just made other arrangments....depends on how much you need it I guess.

Have a word with the mum.

I dunno, she is only 6 after all. You should try to do more before jacking it in. You're the boss, not her!

You need to tell the mother how her child is behaving and ask her to have a word

I haven't mentioned to the other mum who is a bit "my children can do no wrong" (well, she is sooo busy I think she just sticks her head in the sand) and her children seem to largely ignore her anyway, so her intervention would (probably) make no or little difference.

All that said, I really like the mum and don't want to muck up her work routine. The only time I have said something directly to the mum is when her two actually drew blood on each other in the car on the way home one day... and clearly, since that day I have never sat them next to each other again. .

But, I'm not bonkers in thinking this behaviour in unacceptable am I??

Bubble - on several occasions, and once this week, after a particular outburst, I found myself telling her that I was the boss when everyone was in my car, and in my care. She just said, no one is the boss of me.

Ask this mum for help then - say how impossible she's being, and tell her how you really want to carry on but have run out of ideas. Put it to her as it's you two mums working together as a team and she's helping you?

I would change arrangements. I also think you need to tell the mum, but you should have told her sooner tbh. A 6 yr old swearing is most unusual and she clearly wants someone's attention, but that's her mother's problem not yours. Your kids must be stressed out with this-can you afford after school club?

Totally unacceptable. Have you considered keeping a log of what happens for a period of perhaps a week. To ensure fairness, include any misdemeanors by your own kids. Show it to the other mother, ask her if she finds this acceptable, give a time period for change and if she fails to sort it out, make other arrangements.

I wonder what happens when the other mother is doing the school run? Could the op ask her dc whether the girl's behaviour is just as bad. Might give the op a clue about how the other mum deals with it.

she is only 6!! so, no, she shouldn't be behaving like this, but does she do better at school? if you're in charge, then BE in charge. tell her that if she swears you will ... (think of appropriate consequence)

do they go to your house at all? can you reward good behaviour in the others and leave her out?

surely at school she can't be acting like that, or she would be permanently in trouble. find out what sanctions work, and stick to them.

I would think the mum's need for you to take her little dears to school would outweigh her "head in the sand" attitude. I'd give it to her nicely but straight. Then leave it with her over Xmas to decide what she will do. In the meantime, I'd sort out a back up plan in case you are left with no school run care.

Crystal - I have asked my DC about what it is like in the other mum's car - apparently it is utter carnage on the whole, but she just kind of drifts through it somehow.

I just keep saying to my DC, PLEASE never behave like that (they are slightly younger) and just keep saying, because X behaves that way, it is absolutely NOT the way you should behave. As far as I know they are fine (God, I hope so!).

I have actually been in the car with them all a few times as well, and it is sheer bedlam. Also have been in the car whe their Dad is driving and they just run riot and the dad shouts (and sometimes swears ) but it is just out of control there too.

Which is why, I suppose, I have held back saying anything, because this just seems to be the norm in their house.

Hmm. Will need to have a think on this, but I think you are all right that on balance, should it start up again next term, I will need to say something.

Thanks for your input.

Oh, and I am less dependent on the arrangement than she is.

Which helps.

I agree with kickassangel - you might just need to become the scary adult she doesn't behave like that for.

For eg when she says 'yeah, we heard' or 'no-one's the boss of me' what happens then? You need to be the boss of her when you're in charge and it sounds as though her parents don't have that level of control of her so you'll need to do it yourself or give it up. :)

Stop the car as soon as she starts acting up and demand an apology or you will not carry on.

I've done this with a car full of DDs mates and it soon shut them up!

If all sanctions fail, tell the other mum you are giving up the arrangement and tell her exactly why.

Do you need the other mum to take your DC to school? If not I would ditch the arrangement straightaway - she has a couple of weeks to make other arrangements.

My rule is - child misbehaves, never invited back to my house. And I would apply the same rule in this situation. Life is stressful enough without having some ill-mannered little madam in your face 3 times a week.

Sounds like the mum is at fault here and should be giving them a bit more attention ...

Mudandmayhem - this is bang on. They are farmed out left right and centre. Even today, last day of term, farmed out.

This is definitely an issue. And, without wanted to get battered (sorry in advance), she doesn't actually need to work. She could very easily not work IYSWIM. Her DH discouraged her for precisely this reason, ie. they have two live wires who just run amok because they are going from pillar to post, different carers every day, and they have no consistency forcing them to behave well. The girl is smart, behaves well at school, because she would not get away with consitent bad behaviour in front of the same people all the time.

But knows she can attempt to push it with the various people who take her/pick her up or whatever. Because it isn't the same person every run to and from school, there isn't one person out of school saying "hang on, she is vile every single day". The boy is less smart, also behaves badly at school, and therefore gets into trouble.

PinkElephants - I have done the whole "stop the car" thing early in the arrangement. It worked, for a while, but that was nearly 2 years ago. I think she would just stand there, arms folded, tutting....

But yes, I think I have reached my limit and I need to take action. Always difficult though when it is your neighbour, who you happen to like, despite our very different approaches to parenting etc!

Well, if her DH sees it all so clearly and they don't both need to work, then perhaps he should stay home and sort the kids out.

If stopping the car doesn't work, turn the car round and take her back to her mum. I really wouldn't stand for this...how on earth will you be able to stop your own kids going the same way?