to want Christmas at my family's place.

[kmac80]

Why does Christmas have to be so complicated and dramatic???

Last year we spent Xmas with my family as the previous year was with DH's. So technically it is my DH's turn. This year however has been rough for my family with my dad being diagnosed with cancer and an array of other things so all the family is heading back to the home base to be together. I also have elderly grandparents. On my DH side there is just his mum.

I invited his mum to come back to my parents house with us but she has refused and now im the terrible selfish daughter in law who is leaving her by herself and taking her only grandchild away for his first Xmas.

Am I being unreasonable????

i'm going to say YANBU. my dad was diagnosed with leukeamia(sp?) last spring and wild horses couldn't drag me to the ILs for cristmas as it could have been dads last.

luckliy he is in remission now.

don't let mil guilt you into anything, if anything she is the evil mil making you miss what could possibly be your dads last christmas.

hope your dad recovers.

YANBU especially as you have asked her to your parents. Do they live close by and then you could visit both?

No, yanbu. You have done the right thing and invited her, it's her problem if she doesn't want to come.

What does your dh think?

YANBU. Even if it were not that serious and 'last Christmas' dramatic, this sort of thing just makes you want to be with family.

Thank you very much. Dad has prostrate cancer which can be slow growing but highly unpredictable. After living overseas and the opposite side of the country I now realize how important my family is. I'm so excited about having my boy get spoilt by his grandparents and great grandparents.

Last yr I invited MIL also but she was too stubborn. She is visiting us at the moment and I swear my stress levels triple. My partner understands to a certain extent but actually wanted it just us and our baby no one else which to me isn't really Xmas.

I feel like I'm about to have a minor melt down over this.

Do remember that you did invite her, so it is entirely her own choice to be alone, not yours.

YANBU
Agree also with C Bottom.

Exactly. You did invite her...

Is your husband coming with you? Seems odd your MIL won't miss him at xmas if so, after all 1 year olds don't do much and a baby's first xmas isn't that exciting. Is she a widow? Does she have other family she will be with? Your parents have invited her to be with them so I think you've done your bit by inviting her. I've never done the alternating xmas thing as it's hard to break out of once started. Do some xmases on your own, some with various relatives so no-one feels they have a "turn" when it comes to deciding your xmas plans.

YANBU. Your MIL has chosen how she will spend Christmas. You've done what you can, by inviting her. The rest is her choice.

I think it is a bad idea to let people guilt you into doing things that you really don't want to do. It breeds resentment and poisons the relationship in the future.

Trying to guilt people into giving you your own way, is a horribly manipulative thing to do. Just because you've done 'turns' in the past doesn't mean you are obliged to continue.

I'm going to rock the boat and say you are being a little unreasonable on this one. On your side you obviously have a large family, on your DH's side it looks like just a lonely woman on her own for yet another Christmas.

I can so understand you wanting to be with your family again for your child's first Christmas. I am so sorry for your father's illness and I can also understand your anxiety over his diagnosis. However prostate cancer is very common in older men and most cases respond to surgery / treatment, they often live with it many years.

If I were your MIL I would also refuse your invitation to spend Christmas with someone else's larger family that I wasn't really a part of, I would feel that I was intruding and perhaps unwanted / token invite. I know my MIL would be too proud to accept such a situation (we are similar in that my family is large while DH really only has his mother).

Could you suggest you spend some time with MIL in the new year to give her some GP time and family time too?

YANBU. Your mil has been invited to your family for xmas. She has refused. End of.

There is no rule that states we have to invite people. Take it from one who had the first mil free xmas in 20 years 2 years ago and has been made to suffer for it!! Even though mil was going to her other son's so would not be alone.

Wait till she finds out she is going to bil's for next xmas too.

Hope your dd is ok. Have a lovely xmas.

I think YAB (a bit) U too, although I understand that your dad being ill must be very scary for you.

You have a big family, your DPs is very small, if you drop all to go to your parents everytime somebody is sick you will not be spending many Christmasses with your MIL at all.

It seems that you aren't that keen on her, she probably assumes she wouldn't really be welcome at your parents house.

I think you need to make a big effort to convince her you do really want her there. Maybe suggest you all go along to a big family Christmas every year.

It's a lot nicer a solution than leaving her on her own when she probably been looking forward to and telling people about this for months.

YANBU...my DHs Dad has had a reocurrance of his cancer and so I offered to fly to heir home abroad to be with them...meaningmy DD would mis a week of school.

Its cancer ffs!

IGNORE MIL.

YANBU

If she has declined the offer of spending Christmas at your family's house then she can't be that desperate to spend Christmas with her grandchild?!

Perhaps you could offer to have a second Christmas with MIL in the new year? My ILs are going to spend the holidays with my SIL this year, but are still desperate to see DD, so we are having an early "Christmas" with them this weekend!

Hope your dad recovers, and your whole family gets to descend on your MIL's house next year!

I don't get this "you have invited her, her choice to refuse" argument, apart from making people feel better about themselves.

It might have gone down better if your parents rather than you had invited her but seriously did you ever expect her to accept? Going to spend Christmas in the house of the parents of her son's wife, with all their family of which she is not really a part, feeling out of the way, in the way, extra trouble, an inconvenience, etc? I would rather spend a lonely Christmas alone than put myself through that.

If I've misread the OP then I apologise but I know no way would my MIL consider spending Christmas with us at my Dad's house with my sibs and their families. She's too proud. So we just take turns, or used to before we moved away.

OP, do whatever you feel you need to for your family's happiness and your own sanity. Spend Christmas where you like. Just my opinion.

YABU (well, a little). I can't imagine anything worse than going along to somebody else's big family Christmas at an important time with a pity invite. I understand that you want to spend time with your Dad, but I think you should really try and make some time over the holidays for her too, inviting her to your family's Christmas is not a compromise and it is very unfair to not try and understand why she may not feel welcome at your family's Christmas.

I am very sorry about your Dad and I hope he recovers fully.

Generally I'd say YANBU but perhaps she is worried that with a big family and elderly relatives, you might never do Christmas with her again?

Technokitten, my SIL's mum comes to our parents' for Christmas and it is absolutely fine. It's fine! It was fine when my mum was dying of cancer and it will be fine now my dad is on his own. We've always had an assortment at Christmas. This year, we're amalgamating with a whole other family (good mates), and I expect it will be... fine! S'wossname-- spirit of Christmas.

Why would she be a trouble or inconvenient? The more the merrier.

OP: YANBU

we are going to my parents this year, so is my brother and his family and his MIL, don't see anythign strange about it at all.

Thank you all. I agree with all of you to be honest.
A bit more background.....
I am in Australia. We used to live close to MIL and I hardly saw my family, but since having our baby moved to the other side of the country to be closer to them. So from one side of the country to the other it is a 4 hr flight plus driving time.
Early on I told my partner that we should fly back and spend it with his mum. He was not keen however and wanted to spend it here in his new home. Then dad got sick, my family suffered financial crisis and there is a family reunion for the 27th where I have not seen some of my dads family for years.
His mum is retired and has already flown to us three times since bubba was born as she has the time and means to. My family are still 7 hrs from us here on a farm.
I also thought that MIL was spending pre Xmas time with us here then flying to Sydney to spend time with her brother. However she thought we were staying here.

Sorry that is all a bit disjointed.
I understand her reluctance to want to come to the farm even though my mum wanted to invite her also. She is being a stubborn south african though and having slept on it I told my partner we can stay here for Xmas and head to my folks on the 26th but she still is flying back.

Another point....

Being s

So now she is upset and flying home on the 23rd to be by herself...

Argh silly keyboard!!

I get on ok with her however she has a very old school sth African outlook and has been ,less than helpful with the baby and her visits are always stressful.
Xmas day with her would involve me cooking and planning everything, whereas at my folks I can relax and enjoy myself.