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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel bad about my brother and his DP

18 replies

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 13:25

I know it's none of my business and so I am probably am being unreasonable.

My brother is 32, and met his DP when he was 21. So, they've been together 11 years. In that time, they've been on holiday once to Bournemouth. They've been engaged 8 years with no sign of a wedding. They don't appear to planning to have kids (although they always said they would like to), his DP is 38. They've both got obese (i mean that literally)

I believe that they were both first boyfriend-girlfriends and breaking up a serious relationship (perhaps in your 20s) gives you the confidence that things will be ok in the future.

I just see a seemingly unhappy loveless couple and I feel so sorry for them.

I wouldn't say anything and I should keep my nose out.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 17/12/2010 13:27

Do you really know that they haven't tried to have children?

They do sound like they could be unhappy.

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 13:30

My brother has a medical condition which would require treatment to be fertile - I've asked whether he's sought that treatment, and he's said he hasn't. I can't know 100% though.

It fits with a pattern though (no plans to get married, no plans to buy a house together (I know things are difficult right now) and no plans (or so it would seem) to have children).

OP posts:

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 13:45

I suppose we have to let make people make their choices - there's no DV or serious problems, and they might be perfectly happy.

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BettyCash · 17/12/2010 13:47

Sorry Rita but I agree - it's not your responsibility to ensure their happiness

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 13:49

I know, I need to let go - he's an adult, she's an adult. If they're unhappy they can leave

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thumbplumpuddingwitch · 17/12/2010 13:50

You can feel sad for your brother - and you can make sure he knows he can always talk to you about anything - but tbh, either he is a lazy bloke who cba to change anything, or he's quite happy with the status quo, so there's nothing you can do or say to challenge that without upsetting someone.

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 14:08

Deep down, I know I was just being unreasonable. I just fancied letting off a bit of steam. I asked him about his plans over Christmas and he replied they were just taking the bank holidays off. On its own, it's completely insignificant, but it's makes me sad to think at Christmas they're not spending more time together. Neither of them work in the NHS or do any critical work, but they don't seem to do nice things together, and it seems part of a larger pattern.

Oh well, very little I can do other than to let him know he can always come to me. TBH, it's more her I feel sorry for.

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OTheHugeManatee · 17/12/2010 14:13

When I was about 20 I had to watch my brother walk into a marriage we all knew would end badly. 10 years later, it's done just that. I'm sad for how things have turned out for him - fgs, he's my brother, of course I do, and of course you feel for yours! - but I don't think it would have been any different if we'd all tried to talk him out of it.

It's poo sometimes, but you have to let people make their own decisions

booyhohoho · 17/12/2010 14:18

there is nothing in your post that tells me there is any problem for you to worry about or that either or both are unhappy!!

sorry but lots of people are perfectly happy plodding along without any excitement, holidays, kids, weddings etc. why on earth would that mean they are unhappy or shoudl separate. unless i am missing something? previous threads about him maybe?

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 14:23

Boo,

I may have posted before, but there's not much more to it than what I posted here.

It's not the absence of kayaking holidays or parachute jumps, I just think you can tell that they're not entirely happy. I accept I could be completely wrong.

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HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2010 14:25

What makes you think they are unhappy with each other? What do you observe that suggests they don't love each other?

booyhohoho · 17/12/2010 14:26

i get what you're saying, he just comes across as unhappy. and maybe he is. i know people like this and tehy really are just unhappy people. maybe not unhappy, but not positive people who get excited about things, but rather always look on the negative side and this is just how they are, tehy are happy being miserable so to speak. maybe he was always like this and just attracted this sort of partner and it has accentuated it.

agree with others though, unless he talks to you, you don't know and can only offer to be there if he needs you.

notasize10yetbutoneday · 17/12/2010 14:28

I don't understand why 'going on holiday once to Bournemouth' and 'not planning to have any children' means they are unhappy?

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 14:31

The things that make me sense they're unhappy are:

No sense of plans for the future (surely planning for the future together is a good thing)

No doing things together (they don't go to the cinema, go to gigs, theatre, they've had one holiday in 11 years)

My brother spends most of his time and money going to sport on his own (watching rugby, speedway, football), and on the internet in the evenings reading sports forums, looking for videos of sporty things on Youtube.

They don't appear to have many friends (and those they do, they don't like IYSWIM)

They both seem a little bitter (the friends they do have (who are married, have houses, and children, etc, are usually "up themselves")

His DP had a day off the other week, he went to the rugby and came to my parents for tea (around half five). Rather than leaving after tea and a chat, he stayed until around 10pm (it's an hours drive to his home) and he hadn't said his DP was going out, she was just at home. Seemed odd to not to want to spend time with the DP

I just get this sense.

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HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2010 14:33

yes, those things do seem to suggest a 'plodding along' in the relationship rather than being in it, iyswim.

Still, it's their life. I suppose you could always ask how they're doing, maybe say you seem a bit flat atm, is everything ok?

Feelingsensitive · 17/12/2010 14:34

YANBU as he is your brother. You clearly have good reason to think he is unhappy such as the fact that he has expressed a desire to have children but doesn't have them. It would be different of course if he had said he never wanted them. It's difficult. If you get on well then I think the position of sibling would allow you to get away with saying more than you would if he were a friend. However, if he is unhappy there is little you can do about it. If it were me, I would perhaps ask him if everything is OK and take it from there.

Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 14:34

PS, I'm not suggesting that those who don't plan to have children are unhappy, it's more the idea of the bigger picture, and the suggestion that that's what they wanted, but make no plans towards it.

TBH, I'm using this a little as "therapy" just to get this off my chest.

Also, I also think my brother is a little immature. Moved out of home at 21 (never cooked a meal in his life) to live with his DP (who doesn't let him cook)

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Original poster

RitaLynn · 17/12/2010 14:38

I think what makes it a little difficult is that we don't get on brilliantly and I think he's a little defensive, and I know it's wrong to say it, but in his eyes, I think he sees me as a little up myself (I go on holiday, I drink wine, etc)

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