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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a bit of help from DH?

51 replies

pink4ever · 17/12/2010 12:38

My dh works v hard in quite a pressured job.He has had the last 2 weeks off(which he sprung on me at last minute-I am sahm to our 3 dcs).
But he has not lifted a finger in the past 2 weeks to either help me around the house,with the dcs or suggested spending time together as a family. Has quite literally spents days sat in front of pc playing his games(not washing or dressing). When I point out to him that he could be more helpful or spend his time more productively he justs says that he works v hard and deserves his holiday.
So AIBU to expect more?.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 17/12/2010 13:42

Ahh ClenchedBottom - I misunderstood your original post. I thought you were saying that she shouldn't expect him to do anything, but it would be nice if he helped out Confused. Totally agree with the "helping" bit! Be a parent is more accurate!

pink - he has no respect for you. I couldn't live like that and I don't see why you should have to. If he left (or you left) then I am sure you would see your workload plummet just by that fact. And you would probably have more self-esteem, kids would be happier (think about the impression your DH is giving them. Your job isn't worthy therefore they aren't worthy!)

expat - I am not sure that SAHM is wrong per se - I do think that people's attitudes to it need to change though (for people read mainly men on this website). Xenia has a lot of good things to say though about getting out and working and providing for yourself, not being dependent on a man etc. And it certainly works for her.

Bumpsadaisie · 17/12/2010 13:42

Leaving aside the "helping you" issue - he is not even being a basic father to them by setting a good example and playing with them/giving them a bit of attenion!

Being a father is a relationship, not a job - you don't get two weeks off, it is ongoing till you pop your clogs!

Jux · 17/12/2010 13:44

Leave him a note of what needs to be done, get out early and come back late.

When you get back, point out all the things he didn't manage to get done so make sure the list is comprehensive including w/e shop, cleaning, tidying, ironing as well as visit to Santa.

scallopsrgreat · 17/12/2010 13:44

classydiva - why do you have to ask men? Are their brains not capable of computing that having children requires work? And are they not clever enough to work out how to care for children?

BettyCash · 17/12/2010 13:45

I don't think I'd be that chuffed if I knew my OH thought I was a scrounger.

DaftApeth · 17/12/2010 13:45

Well your two week holiday can start now. Only cooking and washing for the children!

Alternatively, show him on paper, how much it would cost to replace you in all the jobs that you do - nanny, gardener, cook, cleaner, etc.

What is his mum like?

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 13:51

I think it is slightly different if he didn't want you to be s SAHM for some reason that I can't articulate with a niggly baby requiring one handed typing, will be back...

taffetazatyousantaclaus · 17/12/2010 13:59

classydiva - are you a hairy trucker? when does OP get relaxing time off?

Original poster
pink4ever · 17/12/2010 14:00

daftapeth-his mum worked til the age of 40(when she a breakdown) and has never worked since. My bil is exactly the same(prob worst as he spends even less time with kids. I force/conjole my dh into doing family time at weekend!).
However mil insists that she made them help out around the home etc and cant understand why they have both turned out like thisHmm but when I told her about my dh lounging about,not washing/dressing etc she just laughed!!(though think my dh was a bit embaressed as has at least washed/dressed last few days though still sat playing game for 8 hours!.
Ninkynonker-he knew FROM START of us dating that I intended to be a sahm so if he didnt like it them surely he should have married someone else?.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 14:04

I will answer properly I promise, and I do def think he is being an arse in this scenario. I mean, what parent begrudges taking their kids to see Santa?! I think I just mean that he has been put into a position financially etc and might (wrongly)feel that as he said from the outset he didn't agree with SAHMs that that entitled him to leave you to get on with it during the day cause you had insisted on it or something. Not clear, sorry.

DaftApeth · 17/12/2010 14:05

Did his mum still do everything around the house, though, even though she worked? Or did her dh cook and clean?

I would somehow disable the console.

MrsMooo · 17/12/2010 14:06

I may get flamed for this but your DH sounds depressed to me... Rather than feckless or lazy

The only time I seen that kind of behaviour in my DH is when he was incredibly stressed and near breaking point as he had quite sever depression/sucidal thoughts.

I think YANBU, however is it possible that the surprise break was forced? He does need to pull his wieght but maybe you need to ask why he's bhaving like that - especially if he was brought up to know better

mamas12 · 17/12/2010 14:07

So are you going to spend the day doing what you need to do on your own tomorrow?

Original poster
pink4ever · 17/12/2010 14:10

Ninkynonker-I made it very clear that I really wanted to be a sahm from v early on in our relationship.I had to give up work while pregnant as had ALOT of complications(lost 6 babies but have posted on that in another thread). It is not financially possible for me to return to work even if I wanted to as my potential earnings would be wiped out by childcare costs. I do point this out regularly to my dh but he chooses to ignore this fact.
I dont mean to sound ungrateful.I know in many ways I am v lucky as have lovely dcs,a dh who works hard etc but am fed up being told I dont work when imo I really do.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 17/12/2010 14:10

I think MrsMooo is on to something. If he's taken time off unexpectedly and just sat around in his pyjamas, that doesn't sound like normal behaviour.

Are you sure he isn't following in his mother's footsteps and heading for a breakdown? If he works this hard in such a stressy job it's not unthinkable.

Original poster
pink4ever · 17/12/2010 14:16

Mrsmoo-I completely agree.I do think my dh is depressed(to do with his job,past,drink problems and us losing 6 babies). I have tried to talk to him about this but he doesnt believe in mental illness(thinks people who take anti-ds are weak etc). This also includes me as I had a near breakdown when we lost our 1st son and had to take medication.
I dont think the sitting around in pjs playing his game is symptomatic of depression though as this is what he does every weekend(until I moan enough to get him to do family things!).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 14:20

'Ninkynonker-he knew FROM START of us dating that I intended to be a sahm so if he didnt like it them surely he should have married someone else?.'

By the same token, you knew he was an arse who thinks you're a scrounger for staying at home and can't be arsed doing anything with the family he created, surely you should have married someone else who values and respects you?

He doesn't sound 'depressed' to me. Here we go again. As you say he never does much with the family at all to begin with.

I don't understand why some women sell themselves short getting with people like this in the first place. I'd rather be single and childfree than harnessed to a person with attitudes like this, tbh.

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 14:26

I must admit, I couldn't have married someone with such fundamental differences in opinion on something so important. Or effectively force DH into a position he wasn't heppy with, or be happy that he would see me as something so lowly. For what it's worth, I have a 4 mo old DD and we're planning on me staying home for a year or so. But we are both in agreement on this and financial provision will be made for it (paying into my pension etc.) If DH were to start behaving like your's when it was a joint decision I would feel it more unfair if you see what I mean.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 14:27

Book two weeks off yourself and tell him he is in sole charge of house/DC Xmas Smile

expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 14:29

Since he has always been like this, I don't know why you expected him to do anything now he's off work, tbh.

Leaving him with the kids will do nothing.

He'll leave them to fend for themselves and do FA in the house because he considers this your problem.

booyhohoho · 17/12/2010 14:29

why did you marry him if he has always held these views. clearly you disagree (i am with you BTW) surely it would have been apparent that you were going to have problems before you had dcs?

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 14:29

Is it unusual for him to be able to book such a length off at short notice? When I worked I required a reasonable notice to have a fortnight off. This migth indicate perhaps he has been 'forced' to take a break, or there is something going on he isn't tellig you? Not saying that is an excuse to be an arse obviously.

booyhohoho · 17/12/2010 14:29

and who the hell is raising these people to think their children are someone else's responsibility entirely!!!! RANT!!!!!

Original poster
pink4ever · 17/12/2010 14:33

Ninkynonker-I didnt force dh to have 3 dcs. He wanted a family too!(plus he now refuses to have vasectomy Angry. And of course I am not happy that he sees me so "lowly" ffs-thats the whole point of me posting on here!.
I have been told both on here and by friends that I should leave him with dcs for a week so that he can see all that I do around house and although I cant bare the thought of being apart from dcs, I think things are reaching boiling point and that may be my only option.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/12/2010 14:38

All that will happen is you'll come back to a house and kids that haven't been washed in a week, a total tip and/or worse.

Because he doesn't care.

If this is what you're willing to trade in order to stay home, however, since you knew going into the bargain he wasn't going to do his fair share and sees you as nothing but a lazy scrounger, then really it's unreasonable to expect him to change, tbh.

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