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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel fed up collecting friend's child from school

47 replies

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 17:12

My friend works and often has trouble getting to school on time, will text or call me to get me to pick up her boy. I'm just getting so fed up of it! I think it's also as the school want to know in advance `(at atart of day) and so there's always a fuss, then she turns up in a cab and rushes off. I have a hectic toddler and it's really tricky keeping him occupied as the children come out in the first place, never mind waiting about.

OP posts:

muminthemiddle · 16/12/2010 19:45

Some very good advice. Start by making yourself more unavailable. She can use breakfast club so really has no excuse.
I have been used when I was a SHAM but the reason I was a SHAM was because we couldn't afford to pay for childcare (pre child tax credit days). so I did resent others using me as free childcare.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 16/12/2010 19:55

She does it because she can.

She is probably late because she knows it wont matter if she hangs about a bit at work. If there was no one to pick up the slack she would leave on time.

As for thrush being a good reason not to pick up her own child

I bet she had someone else doing it before you and she will find someone else to do it when you stop.

There is at least one in every school. I have had kids in school/nursery for about 16 odd years and have seen it all before.

It happened to me for a while. Couple who lived in the flat downstairs would ask me to drop their son off at nursery 20mins walk away. They both drove. Many is the time they would wave gaily at me as they drove past me (after picking up their child) struggling throught the rain/snow with a double buggy. They never ONCE picked up my child.
They even started turning up at my door in the holidays to ask if I didnt mind just having him for the day! At that point I had enough of being nice.
Bleedin cheek

Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 20:00

Yes he was a bit worried the other day, kept asking if it was okay when he was being picked up (I noticed another mum does a day for her as both the children go to a club and the other mum takes them both)

It is a bit tricky as she can be very nice at times eg giving gifts and a card saying 'don't know what I'd do without you' which somehow make it worse.

It is actually very tricky with the toddler, the boys are still young and we have to cross two busy roads

OP posts:

Jux · 16/12/2010 20:18

Next time, tell her you've arranged to do something after school so you can't help this time.

Time after, tell her you've arranged to do something after school so you can't help this time.

Time after that, tell her you've arranged to do something after school so you can't help - oh, and you and ds are enjoying it so much that you're going to make it a regular thing.

Or just tell her that you can't do it.

Feelingsensitive · 16/12/2010 20:21

"It is a bit tricky as she can be very nice at times eg giving gifts and a card saying 'don't know what I'd do without you' which somehow make it worse." = Emotional blackmail.

Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 20:40

Hi thanks again- but we don't do stuff after school, (mainly cos of the toddler) I don't drive and we have to walk past hers (which incidentally is nearer to the school).

Tbh have been doing those things, did tell her could only do it on emergencies, turned phone off etc (often don't hear it anyway in the mayhem at school)

I guess I feel a bit sorry for the boy, he's been friends with mine since they were little. I thought it was me being overanxious not to walk them both through what is a small but very busy city centre - it's not is it just me - what a relief!

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magicmummy1 · 16/12/2010 20:47

I'm a full-time working mum, and I have very occasionally had to ask other parents to help out with dd when DH has been away or sick etc. However, these are mostly working parents, and we have been able to return the favour when they have needed it.

Honestly speaking, I think your friend is taking the piss, and yanbu for being fed up. She is exploiting your kindness and taking advantage. I think you need to be honest with her and say that it's just not working for you, and that you cannot continue to collect her dc on such a regular basis - I wouldn't make up any excuses, just say that you'd like to be able to help, but you find it tricky with your toddler and you can't keep doing it. If you're happy to help out occasionally in a real emergency, then tell her this - but only if you really are happy to do this! (And even then, maybe specify how often you can do this, as her version of an emergency might be different from yours!)

After-school clubs can be very over-subscribed at some schools - in our area, you have to be on a waiting list for several years before getting a place! But it should be possible to find a good childminder or some other arrangement, and she should not keep relying on you to do it for nothing.

magicmummy1 · 16/12/2010 20:50

Sorry, x post. If you have already said that you can only do emergencies, and she is still asking you on a weekly basis, I think she is just a selfish cow!

fedupofnamechanging · 16/12/2010 21:01

She is getting all the financial benefits of going out to work. You are not. You are a SAHM so that you can look after your child, not someone elses. Why should she benefit from her salary and get free childcare from you?

Helping out in an emergency is one thing. She is expecting you to do regular pick ups and that is taking the piss. I would tell her that you are finding it hard keeping an eye on all 3 children so won't be available to collect her child anymore. Or you could say that you want to be able to concentrate on your own child at the end of the school day. If she gets stroppy, you will have to be more blunt and tell her you are not a childminder. It's hard to speak up, but remember that she isn't feeling bad about what she is doing, so why should you, for putting a stop to it?

Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 21:14

Thanks that's great, you're making me feel better about standing up about it. Another thing, the boys are good friends, there is part of me not wanting to fall out with her then my boy might lose his friend!

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NotANaturalGeordie · 16/12/2010 21:18

He will make more friends. ANyway, you might not fall out with her....

magicmummy1 · 16/12/2010 21:22

Perhaps you can say that you value the friendship that the boys have built up and don't want to damage that, so you still want to have him over to your house to play etc but it needs to be arranged in advance and you can't do it on a weekly basis.

Depending on how you think she might respond, you could even say that you value her friendship and that you've been reluctant to say anything because you understand how difficult it is for her to juggle work & childcare etc, but that you want to be honest with her so that resentment doesn't start to build up between you. And you hope that this won't change the good relationship that you have built up, or the friendship between the boys.

At the end of the day, if she only wants to preserve the friendship because of the free childcare, then she needs to take a running jump!

magicmummy1 · 16/12/2010 21:23

And yes, your little boy will make other friends!

findingthisdifficult · 16/12/2010 21:28

just to add the other side of the coin. I have a friend who had a low paid job three days a week. She is a single parent and it wasn't worth her doing the job if she had to pay for childcare too. Every week she asked in the playground if other parents could pick him up for those three days and asked and asked till eventually she had those three days covered.

She couldn't afford the after school club. Eventually it got too much for her and I don't think she made many friends at the school and she had to give the job up and now she is on benefits.

Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 23:46

Findingthisdifficult- hi yes she is in a low paid job to make up 16 hrs for tac credits purposes, however in that position childcare is 80 percent covered, so surely would make it reasonable?

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Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 23:47

To use the after school club I mean

OP posts:

classydiva · 16/12/2010 23:47

I used to PAY my best friend for picking up my children every day.

Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 23:51

I know she'd qualify for the after school club but wants him to be with someone he knows eg me ah the guilt

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleBlossom · 16/12/2010 23:51

and I guess it is only registered childcare paid for not friends!

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PotPourri · 16/12/2010 23:53

Oh YANBU. Yoiu need to nip this in the bud. Tell her next time that you will do it, but you won't be able to any more.

I think what these free loaders miss is that there is a level of responsibility in taking someone's child. It's stressful and when it is not just occasional nor something you have deliberately got into, then it is not ok.

Nip it in the bud.

DandyLioness · 17/12/2010 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 17/12/2010 08:18

and it's fine to say that you don't want to have to hang around once you've got DS so having to get her DS and wait for her to come is annoying on such a regular basis.

For the morning thing just say that you aren't good in the mornings and that you want to be able to just go when you want to and not have to stop off anywhere on route or take a minute longer than you have to (like her!!!!).

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