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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fob off an old friend (possibly forever)

16 replies

RawDEal · 16/12/2010 07:19

Today I am supposed to be going to see an old friend. I havn't seen her since September and to be honest, the gap has been deliberate. I just can't be bothered anymore. She goes on and on about the same mudane shite day after day. 5 years ago her major issue was that Jessica Doe was on a higher reading book than her DD (this one went on for a full term and included friend infiltrating the cloak room and sneaking into Jessica's bag to investigate said reading level) and then it moved to how irritating her mother in law was (yet she still insisted on going shopping with her twice a week, joining clubs with her, inviting her everywhere etc). Now for the past 3 years the major issue has been her husband who a) spends all his time on the PC b) has been caught numerous times LYING about who he is speaking to on the PC and c) Is just a pointless, lazy waste of space. I was sympathetic at first but it has been three years and she's STILL complianing about the same shit as she was 3 years ago. Sympathy started to run out around year 2 tbh.
The last time I spoke to her she told me she had some "gossip". I was like Hmm ok .... (half intrigued, half expecting it to be some crap I wouldn't give a shit about). But she was really excited about it and even tried to arrange that I go down to her house so she can tell me all about it (I declined) so she told me over MSN ...

"Lauren, Shannon and Olivia have fallen out and now Olivia has to walk to school on her own and Lauren and Shannon won't even speak to each other!!!" wtf?? they're 11!! I really don't give a shit!!

I'm in the middle of a-levels, applying for uni, leaving my own partner, sorting out my wayward son - I DON'T CARE!

So anyway, rant over - I'm just about to text her to say I can't make it, aibu? I know I'm an unsociable cow at the best of times but how anyone can become interested in such pointless mudane crap is beyond me. (And no, I don't watch soap operas!)

So am I really a terrible friend? I feel a bit guilty because I know she is depressed and fed up but - I'm really finding it difficult to care anymore Sad

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 16/12/2010 07:21

Are these the children's real names? If so, you might want to get them removed.

Re your friend - look, if you don't want someone in your life, that's totally up to you.

Original poster
RawDEal · 16/12/2010 07:25

No, not real names.

OP posts:
allnightlong · 16/12/2010 07:26

Friends are optional in life it's ok to remove them from your life if you want to, you don't need reasons.

ReformedCharacter · 16/12/2010 07:28

It does sound incredibly tedious so I can't blame you for trying to fob her off.

It's very sad for her though. How awful that her life is so empty that she's spending her time with a MIL that she can't stand. It sounds like she lacks awareness as well ... I mean, who would class the walking to school arrangements of a bunch of kids as gossip Confused

I would like to think that if I were you I would just try to limit the contact as much as possible without cutting her out all together. She probably really values your friendship Sad

angelfire · 16/12/2010 07:30

Tell her directly that you no longer want to continue the friendship and move on.

I would be so upset if someone thought this of me but wasn't direct with me.

ccpccp · 16/12/2010 08:35

I only got half way through the OP before I'd had enough of this woman and stopped reading.

Shes never going to change. Get rid.

NestaFiesta · 16/12/2010 09:20

Sounds like your friend doesn't get out much. I have the same problem with my Mum. She talks endlessly about people I have never met and don't know and its really boring. I don't know why people don't take a step back and think about the poor listener sometimes.

As for your friend OP, just let it drift away, don't return calls, fob her off and drift apart. I think you could hurt her future confidence irrevocably if you were too honest, especially as she is depressed.

CrazyChristmasLady · 16/12/2010 09:59

I couldn't put up with someone like this. What a drama queen with the bit about the 'gossip'.

Unfortunately it does sound like she needs a friend but she does sound very very draining, if you can't be the friend she needs, then best to move on.

ChippingIn · 16/12/2010 10:05

I think you should 'fob her off' for a while, get your own things sorted out then see how you feel when you next meet up. When you have a lot on your own plate it's hard to have enough emotional energy left over for anyone else. I also think it's a bit kinder to let it ebb away rather than be too blunt as it sounds as though she doesn't have much of a life.

kenobi · 16/12/2010 10:06

Have you tried the old 'lets talk about something other than our families for once!' then have a series of topics ready? Or is that just too Marie Claire for words?

TBH I think there is nothing wrong with friendships which have reached the end of their natural lives, being shelved.

A very close friend of mine and I have just parted ways due to the 'different lives, different priorities' divide, it's sad but it happens, and we might become friends again further down the line (ie we have done the passive English thing of just not calling each other).

JimmyChooChoo · 16/12/2010 10:20

If this 'friendship' was a relationship instead with an annoying/draining partner who you didn't love or like anymore but you chose to stay with him because
a)you felt sorry for him
b)you were not brave enough to move on

then you would told that you were being more cruel for leading him on etc...

So I would treat this the same way.
Friendship should be a two way thing.
People can be drains or radiators.This 'friend' sounds like a drain.Ask yourself OP what does this person bring to your life?I'm sure you can't think of anything.

I recently had to get rid of a 'friend' like this.Only it was easier for me as she was a nasty person.She's currently ringing me every day and leaving abusive messages.People warned me not to get involved with her and I never listened.

Original poster
RawDEal · 16/12/2010 10:32

I have tried talking to her about different stuff. Like one time she was banging on about her husband and I said "you know what, when the kids are older I'd love to go back-packing around Thailand, have you ever fancied that?"
She looked at me like I was mad, burst out laughing and said "oh no, couldn't be bothered with all that" and started on about her husband again.
They've been married 18 years, never been on a holiday, never been anywhere IN Britain or abroad, they never go anywhere, she has no ambition, no drive, nothing to look forward to, I find her quite depressing tbh.

OP posts:
JimmyChooChoo · 16/12/2010 10:34

Well then GET RID.

frazzle26 · 16/12/2010 10:37

Get rid. I stopped talking to a friend who I'd known for over 10 years because all she could talk about was the men she was s***g when she went out drinking and it did my head in. Sometimes you just have to cut contact with people.

begonyabampot · 16/12/2010 10:38

your probably both well rid of each other as TBH you are not really her friend if you feel this way - just fade away if you don't want to hurt her feelings.

MrsLevinson · 16/12/2010 10:40

Definitely get rid. You'll have more time and energy to spend with people who contribute something more positive to your life.

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