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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ....ugh!

42 replies

SkyBluePearl · 15/12/2010 22:38

Just wanting a little moan really ...

MIL lives miles away, she is highly emotional and has regular tantrums like a toddler. She doesn't know my kids really but has known my extended family for years. I get irritated that she compares my children to her children all the time and my extended family never get a look in.

Anything to do with brains, chattyness, high reading ability, creativity, socialness is all down to her families genes of course - despite me having a mix of creative, introvert, extrovert, literate and mathmatical extended family members (I'm not the academic one as you can tell!).

Again today she threw lots of family comparisons in within a 15 min phone conversation. When I mentioned how chatty my son is she responded with 'just like is uncle Simon' - for goodness sake MIL Simon is quiet and avoids people. A lovely gentle hansome chap but I've never seen him be chatty with anyone in the 17 years I've know him.

So am i right just to grit my teeth and quietly laugh after about the strange comparisons or should I make a stand for my gene pool?! Presently I always act like the calm peace loving grown up while she makes sweeping statements. I don't find it really upsetting - just irritating.

OP posts:
freddiestarratemyhandbag · 15/12/2010 22:41

Ignore it and carry on being the grown up, some people are annoying! It's not like she tried to sell your kids to the gypsies or anything.

Katey1010 · 15/12/2010 22:41

I feel your pain. My father just came out with a list of my DH and his family that my 9 DAY OLD baby will/should take after. Not me, heaven forfend, the LO's mother. Angry Cue tears and storming out (I'm a bit hormonal).

Original poster
SkyBluePearl · 15/12/2010 22:42

By the way we also have some special needs and dyslexia running in my gene pool - we are quite a varied lot really. Non of us are sporty though sadly.

OP posts:
onceamai · 15/12/2010 22:43

MY MIL has always exclaimed that none of the negatives have anything to do with DH's side of the family, ie, ds's early asthma, the ear infections, the eczema, etc. She constantly brags about her marvellously intelligent children - one day, one day I shall say something like "as the two sils are so clever and went to Russell Group universities, how come they have never had a proper job and are always skint". Go on, dare me!

MadamDeathstare · 15/12/2010 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

borderslass · 15/12/2010 22:45

Mine was like that all the kids had blond curly hair and according to her it was from DH despite me telling her I had white blond hair as a youngster, DD1 was the double of her uncle according to her, she's the image of me.Same when DD1 excelled at everything it was her uncle not me.She's an awful woman anyway and not worth the worry.

Timeforanap · 15/12/2010 22:46

Grrrr, IKWYM! My MIL does this too (although, to be fair, she does know my DC). All my DC look like DH, which is obvs v ok with her, except DS1 who takes after my side of the family. When he was born she exclaimed, genuinely, "Well! I can't think WHO he looks like"!!! I was, like, "Me! He looks like me! His MOTHER!". Only I didn't say that. You are quite right, there is no point in saying anything. Would just upset her and she probably doesn't realise she's doing it anyway.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 15/12/2010 22:51

Ah this takes me back. My ex MIL was always doing this. She even, I kid you not, said that my brown eyed daughter gets her eye colouring from some obscure uncle on their side and not from me. I think she saw me as merely being some sort of incubator for the baby, rather then somebody who had contributed 50% of the DNA.

I used to look blankly at her when she made her daft comparisons, and then go and bitch about her to my mum or my friends at a later time.

Original poster
SkyBluePearl · 15/12/2010 22:54

Wow you girls can type fast! Maybe i can even sell my MIL to the gypsies?

Katey what a shame they couldn't be more sensitive?

MIL (monster in law!) never ever compares my children to me. All the love/commitment that I and my hubby put into child rearing and in MIL's opinion my kids are just a reflection of her family (who rarely see my kids).

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyBluePearl · 15/12/2010 22:58

You girls are cheering me up - thanks! Seems i am not alone. I was going to suggest a MIL swap but now i'm not so sure.

OP posts:
Feelingsensitive · 15/12/2010 23:01

Ignore her.

Silly woman.

The MIL - not you.

Booandpops · 15/12/2010 23:19

Me too. My dd looks like her dad but has my coloulring and ds looks like me, everyone says so but according to mil he looks like her dad (who is dead and has very few photos of!!) Grrrrrrrrrrr. I just laugh behind her back to my mum about her Best to rise above that crap. They can't bear to admit that you may have had naughty time with precious son. Ha ha

tinkertitonk · 15/12/2010 23:33

I think (fwiw) she's telling you how much she likes your children. In a maladroit fashion, admittedly.

tulpe · 15/12/2010 23:43

I think it's their way of basking in reflected glory - look what the stunning genes of MY family have created, despite your input :o

My FiL does this all the time too. He is forever pointing out how specific characteristics of DCs are like this person or that person from centuries ago Wink I just let him get on with it now. The fact that yes, DS1 is the spitting image of DH but that DS2 is the spitting image of me is apparently neither here nor there. I am tempted to ask him on occasion if in fact my blue eyes are also as a result of his family's strong genes?!

Agree with Booandpops - it helps them in their quest to believe their beloved sons have never actually had sex!!

MerrilyDefective · 15/12/2010 23:57

Get over it.
She lives miles away,why worry.

gogoredpanda · 15/12/2010 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryLikingClarity · 16/12/2010 08:13

DS is the double of DH, everyone says it.

Up until DS was about 5 months old MIL never admitted that. She kept saying, "Oh he looks like your brother and your dad." Hmm

Now she is seeing the resemblence to DH...

I think it just freaked her out to imagine that her precious 30-year-old DS had been having sex, she's a bit of a prude, bless her.

grumpypants · 16/12/2010 08:19

Surely it's just a way of her making the baby part of her family? Confused Saying something doesn't make it true - why on earth be upset by it?

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 16/12/2010 08:23

Tryliking I hadn't thought of that! My ds (10 weeks) looks remarkably like Dh and only mil can't see it!

(redpanda thanks for your "trying to bond" comment, I needed that)

PsecretSantead · 16/12/2010 08:34

I have the opposite 'problem'! MIL is so nice and accommodating, she will say that DD is the image of me, and I will say how I can see DH, and her (MIL) in her face too, and then she will say how she sees my father, and how someone she knows but I don't commented that she looked like DH, but she replied 'you wouldn't say that if you saw her mother!!' and so I say I took a photo the other day and you could swear it was SIL when she was a baby, and then after some more 'no you' 'no you' 'no, I insist' we finally agree that DD is a pretty good mix, really, and that's how it ought to be and isn't life grand?

Grin I love MIL. Really, she's niceness itself.

OP why don't you just try a bit of the ole reverse psychology? Next time it starts up, really bang on for ages about how much she takes after MIL's side, and get really quite upset that your side doesn't get a look in. Lay it on thick. I bet she will try her best to make you feel better by poining out how your child looks like you. Unless she is really horrible, but I dob't believe that most people are horrible, just stubborn.

PsecretSantead · 16/12/2010 08:36

I really piss me off, sometimes.

camdancer · 16/12/2010 08:36

My MIL is always comparing DS with DH's brother (who is the apple of their eye). I feel quite sorry for DH 'cos nothing is ever like him, it's always oh that reminds me of when your brother did that... Drives me insane but there isn't much I can do about it and I guess it shows how much they love DS. Hmm

PsecretSantead · 16/12/2010 08:36

Self, even....

christmasheave · 16/12/2010 08:37

My MIL is the same. If ever DS does anything good, its from his Dad.

The only time she compared him to me was when she said "ooh he's getting to be a chunky lad...he gets that from your side of the family".

The stupid thing is that there's not a scrap of fat on DS, but if MIL doesn't have anything nasty to say to or about me, she has nothing to say at all!!

pommedeterre · 16/12/2010 08:42

Why would a mother wish no sex on her son though? That has always confused me. Why hope for an unhealthy relationship for them? Weird.