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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL lost our savings and now wants to live with us

24 replies

Haboose · 15/12/2010 16:12

About two months before my DS was due to be born. FIL phoned up DH and asked to borrow a sum of 60K+ as emergency loan for downpayment of 2nd house they wish to buy. This is because MIL had this Brilliant idea of buying a 2nd home of over 500K to run it as a B&B. We had strongly advised them against this, given that FIL was bascially unemployed and no steady income for over the past 10 years and MIL being retired. And they haven't got much savings and are still paying off the mortagage on their 1st home.

All this, while we are still renting a 2 bed flat and already in our mid 30's. DH was reluctant and suspicious because FIL didn't want MIL to know about the loan. DH then demanded that MIL know about it and she assured us that it would be paid back in 1 months time.
One month passed but no money was paid back. DH became anxious. MIL assured him that he'll be paid back.

However a month after DS was born, it all went terribly wrong. Apparently FIL had chalked up 1MIL in debt secretly from various loans with banks and 1st and 2nd house were repossessed by banks. MIL claims she didn't know about any of these other loans. In short they were bankcrupt and marriage broke down completely. DH kept telling MIL that she could come live with us, without consulting me. MIL then said she wanted to come stay with us for a holiday- she said she needed to get away from it all, despite her daughter (who owns a house, no children and lives in the same city with her). It then transpire that she got herself a passport here and she wanted to come look for work here. DH pressured me to allow his mum to fly halfway around the world here to come stay with us. I have refused.
Is it unreasonable in not wanting to have her stay with us? And being angry at how they have tricked us into losing our savings over their risky housebuying of which we never wanted to be part of?

OP posts:
discobeaver · 15/12/2010 16:18

Not unreasonable at all. I'm amazed you a)have 60k in savings and still renting, no way would I be so good with cash. That's why I'm skint though.

I'd be mightily pissed off and upset and angry with your DH and his family. Did you have no say in the loan? Or were you pressured into it?

curlymama · 15/12/2010 16:21

YANBU to be angry and to not want MIL to stay with you. I would fel exactly the same. It doesn't sound like it's entirely MIL's fault though. FIL has to take some responsibility, as do you and DH for lending such a huge amount of money with no security. But I guess you know that now!

I would definately make your husband know that you simply will not be able to live with someone that you feel so much resentment towards, and he cannot expect you to put those feelings aside in your own home. For Sunday luch every couple of weeks, yes, but not full time. You and your little family have to come first to him.

I expect that he is feeling terrible over this though, and probably guilty towards you and his Mum (even though he has no reason to feel it for her). He might feel in some way responsible for her now, so try and be understanding with him at the same time as insisting that you will not let her stay.

create · 15/12/2010 16:23

How did they manage to buy a £500k house with no income and no savings (other than your £60K?)

Why were you "still renting" with £60k in the bank?

How did you end up lending £60k when "we never wanted to be a part of" it?

senua · 15/12/2010 16:24

Where did the money to fly halfway round the world come from?

diddl · 15/12/2010 16:30

Well, it´s possible that she didn´t know-in which case she has lost her marriage & home through no fault of hers.

You haven´t really been tricked-you gave them your savings for some unknown reason.

curlymama · 15/12/2010 16:34

You would think that your own Mother would be trustworthy over something so huge though wouldn't you Diddl?

I agree handing over 60 grand was not a brilliant idea, especially given what it was meant to pay for, but this was his Mum! I think I'd be most angry at DH tbh.

diddl · 15/12/2010 16:37

Yes, but you would also think that you could trust your father.

If the mother didn´t know about the other debts, she maybe thought that it would be paid back.

Original poster
Haboose · 15/12/2010 16:39

The 60K was DH's savings in AUD. DH did ask me if we should lend his parents the money. I warned him he is likely to lose it, because FIL was phoning up and pressured DH to loan him the money. He claim they would lose their deposit on that 2nd home, if we don't give them the money quick. You don't expect your natural parents to rip you off, do you? :( What I didn't realise was his FIL wasn't telling the truth about their finances. If I had known that the money was never coming back, I would have stop DH from loaning it to his parents. What angers me was FIL knowing this, still borrowed our money to throw it away. MIL claims ignorance on how much they borrowed from the banks.
We were renting here because we didn't want to buy at the peak of the market then. Also we wanted to get a house at a location we liked and up till then, no houses with our criteria came up.
To top it off, my father then told me I should let MIL live with me.

OP posts:
ccpccp · 15/12/2010 16:39

You've been suckered. 60k into the black hole of their debts, and now she has the cheek to want to come and live with you?

That 60k probably went to hold off their creditors for another month. Real money you worked for so they could live their borrowed money dream a little longer.

I wouldnt just be saying No to your DH, I'd be looking into how you can get MIL jailed for fraud.

Lulumaam · 15/12/2010 16:42

It's DH that has also lost your savings

you don't lend that sort of money to anyone, be they family or not, without seeing some sort of legal contract, business plan etc...

how could they buy a £500 000 property with a loan of £60 000 and no income?

something sounds very fishy

i'd be so furious with DH for basically throwing the money away

i am sorry you are in this mess, but your DH was a fool

and they have behaved atrocioulsy

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 16:42

Would she even be able to look for work where you are living? A passport is fine for visiting family, but most places she'd need a work permit as well, I would think?

If you can't face having her there, then tell DH so - she wants to "get away from it all", well that's fine for her, but you're hardly going to be able to get away from it all if she plonks herself down in your house for the duration, are you?

5GoldenFimbos · 15/12/2010 16:42

Have you posted about this before? I remember another thread a while ago on similar lines.

LaWeaselMys · 15/12/2010 16:45

There is no way I'd

a) be letting either of them live with you. Nobody is that niave that she didn't have an ickling that something might be up.

b) not be investigating if I might be able to get any money back from whoever is handling the bankruptcy. You will right down the list of claimants and probably wouldn't get it back. But who can let 60k go and not try?

saffy85 · 15/12/2010 16:47

YANBU. Mind you, if it had been me, the MIL (and your DH for that matter) would be a lot safer being a looooonnnng distance away from me. I'd be livid.

LIZS · 15/12/2010 16:51

Was there any written agreemnt for the loan or was it takenon trust. Agree it is your dh with hwom you should be cross , for not safeguarding the money aginst his and your better judgement, then in turn mil and fil for frittering it away at best, being downright dishonest at worst. Even if they were repossessed the assets would raise some money to pay back creditors (mortgage companies would have first charge though). I'd be wary about having mil to stay, she may well see it as an indefinite meal ticket. Is there any realistic hope she could earn an income either here or back home?

Original poster
Haboose · 15/12/2010 16:52

I am not sure how but I think FIL was probably using 1st home to help fund 2nd home deposit. In any case he was busy borrowing money from banks that will lend him.
Before we lent them the money, they reassured us time and again that they only owed a small sum on their 1st home and had no other loans. And that they would secure a loan from the bank for the 2nd home , in which case after 1 month they were going to give us back the money. I guess we felt obliged to help them (being DH's parents) out, though we felt unsure.
After they went bankcrupt, it also turned out that FIL was withdrawing from MIL's bank account and taking her money. She claims she didn't know her money was being withdrawn. I still don't believe she couldn't have checked her own savings before she embarked on buying the 2nd home. In some ways, I feel she isn't as ignorant as she claims she was.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 15/12/2010 16:54

Your DH and his mother have personally stitched you up. They seem to want to continue to do so. It is up to you if you let them.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2010 16:55

Both your husband and your inlaws have behaved abominably. Your husband is a fool. I would think realizing that your husband has blown your savings, and your deposit for your OWN house is worse to come to terms with than your inlaws sucking you dry.

You are under no obligation to home your mil. She is a grown up, she has taken part in blowing your savings. No way should you have to live with her.

Frankly, I dont see how you can be near your husband..... Sad

Original poster
Haboose · 15/12/2010 16:58

No, I have never posted this before given the sensitive nature of it. It happened some time back actually but it has always been on my mind. We were stupid but we didn't ask for any written agreement. It is on the list of claims but the 2nd house and 1st house were sold for well under the price. Because of the huge debt FIL has accumulated, we couldn't get any cent back.

OP posts:
create · 15/12/2010 17:02

Have you seen the details of the bankruptcy? I think something very odd has happened. Even in the boom years it would have been v. difficult to honestly obtain that kind of credit with no regular income and in recent years impossible (in the UK anyway). Are they likely to be accused of fraud too?

I really feel you don't have the full story and until you do I would want nothing to do with Ils and would be furious with DH for not finding out before lending the money.

Lulumaam · 15/12/2010 17:03

you should have insisted there was a proper legal framework and contract set up before you lent a penny

i cannot understand why you would lend a life changing sum of money to anyone, family included, without any sort of understanding of their true financial situation and without legal recourse

i would be so angry with H ..

Lulumaam · 15/12/2010 17:03

agree with create

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 15/12/2010 17:10

I'd tell her she can stay as long as she wants.

As soon as that money hits your account.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 15/12/2010 17:11

And once it did.

I'd boot her arse right back out of the door, probably with DH too.

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