To think this is a nice present?

[ClareNasir]

OK, so a bit of background... my SIL lives in a different country to us. She hasn't had a job in ages and lives very hand-to-mouth. I know that she is flat broke and doesn't have any money for Christmas. She's single and lives on her own. She also suffers from depression which seems to be as a result of her circumstances.

Compared to her, we are quite well-off.

I was going to get her a hamper for Christmas, with lots of Christmas goodies in it. Unfortunately, the shop that I was ordering the hamper through cancelled our order as they are too busy. I have had a look on other sites, but couldn't find anything that I thought suitable (I want to include a few bottles of wine).

Anyway, one of the major supermarkets does this 'create your own hamper' thing, so I chose the hamper and all the things to go with it, and only at that point did I realise that they don't build the hamper for you, they basically send you all the stuff and you do it yourself. Obviously it's going straight to her, so we can't do this.

So, basically, if I order from this shop, all she is going to get is 3 or 4 bags of shopping. Is this really patronising? I don't want her to feel bad, it's just that she doesn't have a lot of money and I thought it would be nice to send her some nice wine and treats, chocolates, cheese board, etc.

My DH thinks it's a horrible idea and that it is a bit like 'feeding the homeless'. What does everyone here think? I really do not want to upset her.

Thanks.

[monkeyflippers]

Lovely! I'd be chuffed with that.

Also she sounds like an amazing person.

[Soups]

That sounds wonderful and very thoughtful. I wouldn't mind if such a gift didn't turn up in a hamper at all, I'm sure she more than appreciates the logics of exchanging pressies internationally.

[ClaireDeLoon]

Sounds like a lovely gift to me and I agree she sounds like a lovely person.

[ShoppingDays]

But in that case why mention the SIL's financial and health status? Why should it make a difference? And the OP did ask whether it might come across as patronising, so it must have crossed her mind. She also said "if I order from this shop..." so I'm assuming she hasn't yet placed the order, and IMHO it would be nicer to keep looking and find something else.

"ShoppingDays, that's exactly what she's not saying. She's trying very hard to send a proper, pretty hamper, all wrapped up and special but finding that it can't be done. What she's asking is, should she send the food anyway?"

[perfumeditsawonderfullife]

I think it's a lovely gift, and exactly what she will need, especially if she is skint right now. I like the idea of being upfront with her re the lack of hamper too.

You sound like a great Sis in law

[theevildead2]

Shopping Days hampers are

1. usually over priced.
   

1. you don't get too many real food items which might help her SIL out.
   

Wouldn't you rather have more in a bag than less in a big stupid basket? I thought mumsnet had agreed baskets were wanky ages ago anyway.

Depression is relevant because wen you are unwell shopping and preparing xmas won't be at the top of your list of things to do.. Especially when you know shopping will put you out because finaically you are hard up.

[BlathIceSkate]

Because it explains the thinking behind the hamper in the first place ShoppingDays.

Let's face it, it would be easier to send a book via Amazon - but the hamper would be more useful and appreciated given the SIL's position right now.

[ShoppingDays]

So it's because she is poor/depressed/single/living alone. I would not be comfortable making assumptions about what someone in that situation might, or might not, want (and yes I've been in some of those circumstances myself).

If I would not be happy to send bags of food to some other relative/friend/colleague who wasn't within that category, I'd feel I should treat the SIL with similar respect.

"given the SIL's position right now"

[ClareNasir]

So what would you get her then, ShoppingDays?

[mamaloco]

Can they deliver in recycling bags instead of plastic one? some are nice?

When my mum shops on internet, the food is usually delivered in plastic containers (boxes) that you give back to the delivery guy after checking that everything is there.

[theevildead2]

Every xmas present a person receives should be taylored to that person. If someone has an obscene amount of money and the good emotional state to do their own shopping a hamper would be really weird.

If someone is dreading xmas because they can't afford to have nice one and are too depressed to face the hordes at the grocery store (which is how I always felt when dealing with depression).. doing the shopping for the person seems such a nice thoughtfull gift.


I don't wish the OP was my SIL, because I already have a lovely one... But I wouldn't mind having her as a spare

[ShoppingDays]

A hamper would be fine, just not food in bags. I'd find an overseas supplier that could deliver one. If I couldn't find a supplier I'd choose something else.

So what would you get her then, ShoppingDays?

[perfumeditsawonderfullife]

I'm odd one out again, I love hampers and can think of a thousand uses for the basket after the food is gone.

[StarExpat]

shopping days - I think regardless of whether a person is depressed or financially unstable or whatever their circumstance, a gift is a gift and one should not be ungrateful or feel slighted or patronised just because it doesn't meet your presentation expectations/standards.
Come on. Very rude.

[BertieBottlesOfMulledWine]

I'm skint and wouldn't feel offended if someone thought about that rather than ignoring it "tactfully". I think taking someone's economic status into account is helpful when buying presents.

I'd much rather get a nice food parcel, which serves two purposes - it's a treat which I wouldn't have thought to buy myself, but also, it's still food and will fill me up, ergo I get to spend a bit less on my food bill and save some money.

Much better than smellies which are usually overpriced but do the exact same thing as the cheap ones I might buy myself when on offer, or underwear which is just depressing and basically says "Here, you don't need a nice present, just a useful one."

[onmyfeet]

It is a lovely idea, and I wouldn't mind a load of groceries being delivered to me, free of charge! The pointsetta, mince and wine are nice. A few suggestions, (since you asked.)

Fresh fruit.
A loaf of fresh bakery bread/artisan bread, perhaps a jar of bruschetta, and some pate? Tinned crab meat? Lobster pate? Tin of lobster bisque?
Devon cream and a jar of cherries, or peaches?

Or else cash.

[mumbar]

Sounds like a lovely idea.

My Mum and Dad did this for me one year. My favourite chocolate, cheese, sweets, spices, sauces, an xmas pud etc as well as general groceries, pasta/ rice etc.

Basically a lot of it was luxury cooking items that add cost to a weekly shop but would last me a long time.

As for wrapping - they used tin foil - lovely and sparkly.

[thisisyesterday]

actually i think i would be pretty disappointed to receive 4 bags of shopping as a present

it isn't the same as getting a big exciting hamper to unpack is it?

i would definitely try and find somewhere local to her that can do it for you

[mumbar]

OP, do you know any of SIL friend neighbours? Could they receive the shopping at present it for you??

FWIW my M & D used a large cardboard box and tin foil!!

[ClareNasir]

You'd be disappointed, thisisyesterday? Oh no, I hate for her to feel that. I have spent all day on the internet trying to find an alternative, but there isn't one. The hampers that are available are not very practical and hugely overpriced.

Unfortunately, I don't know any of her neighbours. Actually, I don't think she does, either. Although she lives in Sydney, she is in the middle of nowhere.

[JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube]

Seriously, contact the store. See if they'll tart the bags up a bit.
They can only say no!

[ClareNasir]

OK, yeah, I'll do that. It is after midnight so I'll call them in the morning. Can't help to ask, can it? I have placed the order but it says you can make changes up until the day before.

By the way, thanks for all your nice suggestions for other things to put in the hamper, sorry, carrier bags. I have added meat and a few luxury items.

[BlathIceSkate]

Morloth might still be able to help! She said she'd bundle and deliver it if SIL was in Sydney.