To think this is a nice present?

[ClareNasir]

OK, so a bit of background... my SIL lives in a different country to us. She hasn't had a job in ages and lives very hand-to-mouth. I know that she is flat broke and doesn't have any money for Christmas. She's single and lives on her own. She also suffers from depression which seems to be as a result of her circumstances.

Compared to her, we are quite well-off.

I was going to get her a hamper for Christmas, with lots of Christmas goodies in it. Unfortunately, the shop that I was ordering the hamper through cancelled our order as they are too busy. I have had a look on other sites, but couldn't find anything that I thought suitable (I want to include a few bottles of wine).

Anyway, one of the major supermarkets does this 'create your own hamper' thing, so I chose the hamper and all the things to go with it, and only at that point did I realise that they don't build the hamper for you, they basically send you all the stuff and you do it yourself. Obviously it's going straight to her, so we can't do this.

So, basically, if I order from this shop, all she is going to get is 3 or 4 bags of shopping. Is this really patronising? I don't want her to feel bad, it's just that she doesn't have a lot of money and I thought it would be nice to send her some nice wine and treats, chocolates, cheese board, etc.

My DH thinks it's a horrible idea and that it is a bit like 'feeding the homeless'. What does everyone here think? I really do not want to upset her.

Thanks.

[VFemme]

OK clarenasir I've just PM'd you so let's get this gift on the road!

[sleighBELLasringing]

I would love a present like that and wouldn't care how it arrived. It is the thought that someone had actually gone to the trouble of doing and choosing the items that would make my day.

Morloth and VFemme, what a lovely offer.

[Cyclebump]

Maybe just explain that the hamper fell through.

I sent my sister a load of Tesco shopping for her 21st birthday as I was working she was a student. It was all the top of the range stuff and treats like Jaffa cakes and Finest duck breasts in plum sauce etc. She maintains it's one of the nicest things she got for her birthday and she wasn't at all patronised or insulted because it was all top of the range tasty stuff.

[tigerbear]

Morloth and Vfemme, what lovely MNers you are - just brought a tear to my eye, reading of your offers to help the OP. :)

[Morloth]

Dural is quite close by both Hornsby (where VFemme is) and Pennant Hills (where I am).

[nooka]

I'm sending my family jam for Christmas. In a cardboard box with no wrapping (because of customs). It cost me almost $350CDN (so £240!) for the postage. Sending presents overseas is very very expensive, and in some cases not possible anyway - I can't send jam to my sister in Australia because they have very very restrictive customs (no food items).

Anyway I think that your present is lovely and will be much appreciated - who doesn't like lots of yummy special food? In fact now I think I should do the same for my sister who I am feeling very stuck for presents with.

[Earthymama]

Just read this thread....don't listen to nay-sayers!!
It's lovely and will be appreciated. Do get in touch with lovely MNers who can help.
DP and I sent an Asda shopping delivery to DNeice recently as she is broke. It was much appreciated and we put some treats in.
You can be my SIL anytime!
DP has an automatic negative reaction thing too, isn't it maddening?
It's never the same when you have had to argue your cause over the slighted suggestion, I have threatened to leave before now!!
That gets quite a strong negative reaction.....

[ClareNasir]

Aw, thanks Morloth and VFemme. She's in Dural, have you heard of it?

Timeforanap, no, my DH doesn't know that she will be offended, he just seems to say "no" to everything I want to do or buy for anyone. It's more of a reflex action. In fact, I call him "Monsieur Non" it's so bad!

But I did wonder if, on this occasion, he had a point...

[VFemme]

Hi,

I've just come back onto this thread - I too am in Sydney (Hornsby to the north of the city) so if I can help at all please let me know!

[SkyBluePearl]

can i have the bags if you dont send them to your SIL? I'd be ver the moon!

[Morloth]

Just let me know Clare, an hour each way is nothing here, I am now addicted to the M2/M7 freeway.

I would be chuffed to help out, it isn't a selfless offer at all, I would get quite a nice selfish buzz out of it.

[SkyBluePearl]

maybe tell her what you told us - that you thought you were building a hamper and were a bit surprised that you have to do it yourself. Sorry and hope thats ok.

[Morloth]

ClareNasir all of Sydney is in the middle of nowhere, it is one of its attractions, I can't see a single building from my loungeroom but we are 20mins by bus from the City.

Whereabouts is she? I know the Snowgoose ones are expensive but I use them all the time and have never had anything but gushing excitement about them.

The shopping will be fine, use Woolies so that the stuff is of good quality - you could perhaps ask them to put them into the nice Christmas Resuable Bags they have on sale at the moment? They are quite cute. Give them a call when you can, I am certain they will sort out something for you.

Again, let me know if I can help. PM me if you want. It is hard being a long way from family at Christmas, does she have somewhere to go on Christmas Day?

[crispface]

YANBU - it is a LOVELY idea, and your SIL will no doubt be incredibly pleased.

I did something similar recently, my friend was having a very hard time with extraordinary bills which meant she was living on bread rolls and not much more - I noticed when she lost a lot of weight in a short time. I went to my local supermarket and bought her 2 carrier bags of "frivolities" and made large amounts of home-made food for her to freeze.

She is a totally unemotional person, yet she cried at the bags of shopping :)

[StarExpat]

Replies would be full of YABU - you should be grateful...etc.

"So as far as most people are concerned I think the basket and fancy packaging is pretty irrelevant."
Yes, I would hope so... especially adults. I think my DS, at 2 yo would be just as happy for a tasty xmas biscuit from a shopping bag as he would a wrapped up biscuit. So... maybe it applies to children, too, then!

[StarExpat]

[Piggles]

I have a cousin who brings a bag of 'fancy shopping' round to all our older relatives before Christmas - nuts, chocs, bubbly, biscuits, cake, cheese etc. She doesn't wrap it up fancy - its just in the Sainsbury carrier bags but every single person is pleased to receive her offerings and I'm pretty sure they'd all be very sad if she stopped doing it.

So as far as most people are concerned I think the basket and fancy packaging is pretty irrelevant.

[Timeforanap]

I understand your dilemma, as a hamper is a traditional thing to give at Christmas so doesn't look like charity. Still think it's worth doing, though, especially if you add in Christmassy bits.

The only thing that concerns me is, does your DH know your SIL will be offended? I do the thinking and shopping for my in-laws presents, but if DH gave a strong negative about something I would think twice. And perhaps suggest he took over on that one?

[StarExpat]

Yes, EmmaBemma, that is how I would see it! 4 bags of xmas treats. Who cares what they are packaged in?

I think most adults would feel this way... maybe a teenager or young uni student or a child might be upset that they don't have something to open up, but an adult...

[EmmaBemma]

I would be delighted! Four whole bags of Christmas treats? Some people here need to get a grip.

[StarExpat]

thisisyesterday - I can totally see your POV that it's not a lovely big surprise to put under the tree/away and open up on christmas day.

However, if you knew that the giver had difficulty finding an actual hamper and had looked all day for one but decided she still wanted you to have the contents of it, so sent it the only way that she could figure out to do so from a different country...wouldn't that make it even more special? That someone put so much time and thought into something for you to enjoy at christmas, even if it wasn't wrapped? Wouldn't this erase that "disappointment"?

[warthog]

i would phone her first and explain. see what the vibes are.

[thisisyesterday]

oh i'm sure i would still be very grateful for the gifts and the thoughtfulness of what had gone into it

i guess i am just thinking that if a hamper arrives a few days before christmas then you can keep it and open it on the day like a big present (assuming nothing needs refrigerating)

whereas it could be a bit disappointed to just have a guy turn up with 4 carrier bags of stuff a few days before christmas iyswim?

[StarExpat]

Ok, sorry - I shouldn't have used the words "turn your nose up" :)

I wouldn't be a bit disappointed. I was brought up to be appreciative of gifts that people give to you and to thoughtfully give to others.

I'm just really that someone would say they would be a bit disappointed with a gift that is not wrapped nicely in paper or in a basket or whatever. But hey, you see something new every day!

Very sorry that I used the wrong words.

[thisisyesterday]

and where did i say i would "turn my nose" up at it starexpat?

i said i'd be a bit disappointed. there's a big difference