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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL - yes another one

27 replies

atmywitssend · 14/12/2010 21:25

SIL has 2 DC, both older than our DS. For each of her Dc's birthdays and Xmas we buy lovely gifts and make sure that they arrive on time.

SIL and I do not get on well - we tolerate each other mainly for my mum's sake. but DCs get along well.

It was DS's 3rd birthday last week - they can not forget as it is that same day as SIL's other nephew (her sister's DC). We waited eagerly - no card/present arrived. After a little reminder via my mum - a text appeared from brother - they "forgot to post his card" and they will send his present with his Christmas present.

AIBU to expect them to try to get his present to him on time. He may only be 3 but I would like his birthday to be separate from Christmas?

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 14/12/2010 21:31

If it's the first time it has happened, then let it lie. It won't do no lasting damage it receive an extra present from them on Christmas will it?

YABU a bit I think. It's a busy time of year, and things are easily forgotten.

Flisspaps · 14/12/2010 21:32

It's a shame but at least he had the rest of his birthday stuff on his birthday so it was separate from Christma. When the presents turn up just give him the birthday present there and then and tell him it's off Auntie and Uncle X, and they're sorry it's late.

He's 3, he'll just be excited to get an 'extra' present.

Lindax · 14/12/2010 21:59

I know families can be frustrating - but maybe consider why you are giving SIL the main bad press more than your own brother. Your brother is just as capable of sending presents for his nephew.

YANBU to like the present in time for ds birthday, but, if you are not particulary close (reminder via mum, reply by text - implies little direct contact) these things do tend to slip. Maybe best to lower your expectations and not to wait eagerly then you won't be as disappointed.

scurryfunge · 14/12/2010 22:04

Presents shouldn't really be expected and to remind someone is a bit rude. I don't give gifts in the expectation that they will be returned.

hairyfairylights · 14/12/2010 22:04

Well.. YAB a little bit U.
gifts should not be expected, and it's not about receiving because you give.

and YABVU to put the blame on SIL rather than your/his brother (if that's the SIL relationship)

NewYearsResolution · 14/12/2010 22:06

Sorry, YABU. You can't expect presents. Families, and the world, work better if we cut each other some slack. It's great that you are so thoughtful, but you cannot impose that standard on others.

Portofino · 14/12/2010 22:07

I try to remember to get my dn's presents there in time, but I am busy and sometimes these things might be slightly delayed. I hope that I don't get slagged off on t'internet for it.

Portofino · 14/12/2010 22:08

"We waited eagerly..." of course!

arentfanny · 14/12/2010 22:09

YABU, presents are a GIFT not a RIGHT, maybe they struggled to get to the post, maybe their present is more expensive than usual and so they are doing it as a joint present. Maybe thay were busy.

Simbacatlives · 14/12/2010 22:10

Gosh good job I am not your sil. I forget mine all the time- they get presents but never on the day. I do send random presents all year round as well.

My children would never expect a present from an aunt or uncle- if they get one that's great but like me with the nieces and nephews they know at some point a gift will turn up.

I suppose some families are just more laid back. I also take them on holidays, to the theatre etc etc all very random. If I see something that one of them will like I buy it and post it as well.

timperleysunset · 14/12/2010 22:16

I hate the way people ALWAYS assume it the women's job to sort out birthday presents / cards.

As someone else has said - you should be blaming your brother for forgetting HIS sister's child's birthday.

DHE is just as capable of a) remembering b) buying card and present c) sending it on time.

chipmonkey · 14/12/2010 22:28

Exactly! This really infuriates me! Does your brother have some impediment which prevents him from buying presents? Why is your SIL the problem?

LionsAreScary · 14/12/2010 22:35

YABU to expect presents

YABU to expect other people to remember birthdays as diligently as you do. To some people they just aren't that important.

YABU to blame SIL and not brother.

Sounds like your less than ideal relationship with SIL is making you more offended than you might otherwise be.

kafkanightmare · 14/12/2010 22:36

I make DH sort out all his family presents and birthdays. Admittedly there is only his Dad and his brother but I'm not getting involved.

DH's family and quite a few of his friends didn't get thank you cards after our wedding as I told him his pile were his responsibility I think he thought I'd back down and do them anyway.

So yes, YABU. I forget things all the time. I think about people, and do genuinely care but I'm disorganised and scatty. I have several new baby cards that never got sent, and a few presents still in drawers that never made it to the post office.

I do care - genuinely. I'm just rubbish.

dreamingofsun · 15/12/2010 09:21

why is this titled 'SIL'? Surely it should be entitled 'brother'? If anything its more his responsibility to sort this?

dreamingofsun · 15/12/2010 09:22

brains gone dead! sorry - assume its your husband's sister!?

CrazyChristmasLady · 15/12/2010 09:27

YANBU.

My siblings are crap with birthdays. I am fed up with it. They have one nephew, my DS. This year he got a card from one with the usual excuse that brother had no money, other brother didn't bother at all then when I saw him a couple of months later came with his usual "I know I am useless, sorry" (same every time), my sister gave DS his present about 6 weeks later and didn't wrap it as she couldn't be bothered.

My birthday was a couple of months ago, despite them being reminded by my DH (unknown to me) I didn't get a single card. Got a couple of texts and phone calls after my dad had got on to them when I told him I hadn't heard from any of them.

I am fed up with this crap that it shouldn't be expected. Maybe it shouldn't be, but when you are the one who always makes the effort with their birthdays, it is very upsetting and annoying that you don't get the same consideration back. Thats what it comes down to for me.

wannaBe · 15/12/2010 09:38

sending a reminder is extremely rude so yabu for that alone.

CamperFan · 15/12/2010 09:56

Wow, I hope people aren't this annoyed when my gifts get to them a bit late. Sometimes I might have other things going on in my life that are a teensy bit more important or perhaps I am ill, my DC ill, or perhaps I have genuinely forgotten. Either way, if I intend to send one, it will get there shortly and I hope it is received with grace and thanks, rather than hotfooting it to a website to slag me off. Jesus, he's 3! He will not know. Stop letting the fact that you don't like your SIL create more problems for you. Just chill. It's great that you're so much more organized than her, so just be secretly smug about it.

CamperFan · 15/12/2010 09:58

and I agree with the other posters - why is this not about your BROTHER??? YABVU

classydiva · 15/12/2010 09:59

Buy them a calender for 2011 and mark off all the important dates before wrapping. That should do it.

SeaTrek · 15/12/2010 11:34

Surely the OP is referring to her DH's sister - hence the emphasis on SIL rather and DB or BIL?

Anyway, I think you are being a little bit unreasonable but I totally understand why.

I always sent SIL's (my husband's sister!) DC presents for their birthdays and Christmas. Usually with no acknowledgment let alone thanks unless there was a problem (something missing in post/no batteries). MIL buys presents for my DC on her behalf. This year she [MIL] even wrote the card from them (really! WTF?!). I made the decision to stop the whole fiasco this year and just give them pressies as and when I see them. I have no doubt this new went down badly but frankly I don't care. My DC wouldn't even notice if there was no present from them but he does like and want to see them. I have absolutely no issue at all with him getting no present - I do take issue with MIL making the whole situation so contrived and feeling obliged to reciprocate x 3 and the complete lack of thanks though. Let's just not bother!

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 15/12/2010 11:39

No, OP says her mum reminded her brother so def talking about brother's wife...

SeaTrek · 15/12/2010 11:55

oh yeah, thanks TheHeathenOfSuburbia. I am fairly rubbish a skim reading. Yes, the case it is pretty odd that the OP is referring to SIL rather than DB.

I am another one who now leaves DH's side of the family to him. I don't think some of his thankyou notes after our wedding were written either.

AbsofCroissant · 15/12/2010 11:58

YABU, but I'm sure you're aware of that from other peoples' posts.

People do forget, even when reminded. For e.g., I forgot my SIL's birthday this year, even though it's right near my best friend's b'day AND on the day my mother said "it's your SIL's birthday today" - I was so stressed and busy it totally didn't register. I felt really bad, and a right muppet. It happens.

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