To hate the word 'nag' with a fiery passion?

[mammyshere]

I have now told my dh that it is not a word that i will tolerate in my house. I hate it. Its only used as a way to belittle women, and comes almost as a threat sometimes 'Dont be a nag!'when said by a husband. Its terrible to be labelled as a nag, and its something most of us avoid!
I hate it and it should be thrown unceremoniously from the english language! AIBU?

It just makes me think of the 'You don't have the right to question me woman' <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=gallery.nen.gov.uk/gallery_images/0708/0000/0564/100_8733_edited1_mid.jpg&imgrefurl=gallery.nen.gov.uk/image72332-.html&usg=__n1RGX881lDs9-I7h_OXOBYJdFpg=&h=640&w=633&sz=48&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=3ftbjsPjTzYLoM:&tbnh=126&tbnw=128&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dscolds%2Bbridle%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1146%26bih%3D694%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=288&ei=nVcHTYTUN4mLhQfFrvGCDA&oei=nVcHTYTUN4mLhQfFrvGCDA&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,r:1,s:0&tx=51&ty=46" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">scolds bridle.

My DH said it once, after I pointed out the errors of his ways he's not done it a second time

This word is verboten in my life - it's simply a way of deflecting attention for someone's failure to do their fair share of (usually) household chores, and amounts to saying 'fuck you', as far as I am concerned.

In my opinion, if you want to avoid being 'nagged', then you need to pay someone else to do your share of the work in reasonable time, because I am not going to live in your shit, or spend my energy asking you to do what you know is your responsibility. This will apply to teenagers as well!

Although not exclusively applied to women, I do think there is a feminist issue here.

ChoChosan- fuck you is exactly what it says.

and i confess to agreeing with you also in terms of it being a feminist issue, because it a word that (at least for me) provokes emotion and is very effective is keeping women beholden to men.

As I said earlier I actively avoid being labelled a nag, and it makes me feel AWFUL when dh says it. another poster mentioned that she says 'I dont want to nag but-' its almost cautious of the mans reaction to her asking for something- and i think it is something that we have all said in this context.

Allow me to clarify - I think it's okay to use (and I'm female) as long as the person accused is actually nagging, be they male or female.

Is the man being nagged? If so then what is so unreasonable about using the word 'nag?'

I don't tolerate nagging in my house. If you really can't manage to do something yourself then you ask someone else to do it. They will do it in their own time, asking them to do it more than once is assuming rights over the other person's time/ actions etc.

And as an addition to heathcliff's question, is it ok to use the word 'nag' as long as you are referring to a man?

Is this a feminist issue or is it a general respect issue?

No, I mean I feel it's okay to use on a man who is nagging, or a woman who is nagging.

englandsmistress If you really can't manage to do something yourself then you ask someone else to do it. They will do it in their own time

What about if its something that is the persons own responsibility?
as in 'dont forget to pay that bill', 'you did pay that bill didnt you?' or to a child 'its time to get dressed.','are you dresed yet?' at what point are you nagging? as a partner/parent you'd have a right to be made aware of this sort of thing- surely you're just checking/reminding.

And as a rule if you ask something and the answer is yes then you are not nagging. you are only labelled a nag if the person hasnt done what they were suppoed to. So are you a 'nag' because they feel bad/guilty/foolish for not doing it.
'nagging' is open to different perceptions.

I don't tolerate nagging in my house.

Nothing wrong with the word nag per se.
It has a fairly clear definition: to bother with constant complaints, demands, or instructions; pester.

The important word there is constant. Simply asking for something and then repeating the request is not nagging.

It's like the difference between a worry/doubt and a nagging concern. One can be dealt with, the other won't go away. It's the constant/persistent nature that defines nagging.

So from your description (and most other posts here) YANBU about the use of the word.

Labelling this as a feminist/control issue is laughable.

happysmiley: Thankfully, my dh doesnt need to be asked/ told to do things around the house. We have an equal relationship which isnt based upon my having to 'nag' for it. I was called a nag yesterday because i enquired as to whether he had called his mum, which is what resulted in my banning the god awaful term at home.

I think you are spot on in terms of the word being both a feminist and a general respect issue, you have put how i feel about it into words much more eloquently than i could

YANBU - it is an inflammatory word which is meant to make somebody feel bad, male or female. It doesn't aid communication or good relations in any way.

If somebody asks for help (which is what it is - it isn't necessarily about issuing orders) then either do as they ask or explain why you want to do it later or not at all. Don't just ignore them and then cause bad feeling by making them ask again. It's bloody rude and that rudeness is just increased by calling somebody a nag.

It is also intensely childish. My 7yr old DS uses it occasionally (which is being firmly stamped on) and grown men and women using it don't sound any better!

It's a horrible word.

And it is even more horrible to be put in a position where one must be one.

IMO if I you have to nag it the the other person's fault, not yours

(exasperated emoticon)

Thank you, I've obviously spent far too much time thinking about it!

DH, is to be fair, generally very good at doing his share, but sometimes when he lets standards slip, calling me a nag was an easy way to turn it back on me. That's why I don't like it.

"Have you ever noticed that women only 'nag' when they're asking a man to do something he'd rather not do?"

Nail on the head Paxo. DP has never yet accused me of nagging or being a nag (though I'm sure he's though it a few times :)).

To mammyshere and happysmiley

I am capable of doing most things myself so it's rare that I would be asking someone to do it. If for example, recently I wanted a box taking down to the cellar that I couldn't lift, I asked Dp and then left him to it. He didn't care if the box was down there or not so why should I 'nag' him to do it as per my time requirements?

But he does 'pull his weight' and do equal work in the house. People will probably think that makes me lucky but personally I wasn't brought up to be a doormat and if it was any other way I'd be outta there before I'd let my home become nagging ground!

What if you had needed the box in the cellar before the children got home? would you then be requesting him to adhere to your time requirements should you need to remind him?

I really dont think either myself, happysmiley or anyone would consider themselves brought up to be a doormat!

Im confident that not everybody who has been accused of being a 'nag' or of 'nagging' is a doormat.

I don't get this, it's only a word and there are many worse. Are things any better if "don't nag" is replaced by "your constant repetition of your request has become intensely irritating"?

IMO anyone who's ever been called a nag is unlikely to be a doormat. It's generally because of their refusal to be a doormat that they are called a nag.

As for it only being a word, lots of words are insulting and I wouldn't expect my DH to use any of them about me. That goes for nag too.

And my constant repetition would only be due to the fact that he hadn't done it, which suggests he's just lazy, but he doesn't like being called that either for some reason.

But why would he not have done it? If it's his responsibility and he hasn't done it - to the point where he has had to be nagged - then he is treating you as a doormat and not respecting your requests, no?

Why would the box need to be away before the children got home?

If it did then i'd tell him that was the reason and he would do it instantly.

Maybe I'm in a different place than you guys as my dp only needs asked something once and he does it. I do the same for him. Hence we don't have to nag each other. If it's urgent, e do it for ourselves I suppose.

I'll bow out of this I think. I would have about a milisecond of time for a man who didnt follow up with his duties instantly!

englandsmistress, in a way we agree with each other. If you ask someone to do something they should do it, or at least give a reason why not and hopefully commit to another time. If you have to ask someone more than once, the problem isn't that you are nagging but that they are lazy. Accusing you of nagging because you asked more than once is just a nasty way of turning it around and blaming you for his deficiencies. You're lucky if your DH doesn't do that, but plenty of men do.

I don't think I'm lucky, just choosey!

I guess if he doidnt 'pull his wieght' I might nag. But then I'd kick him in the balls and leave