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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to tell this woman exactly what I think of her

44 replies

lurkingsnurker · 13/12/2010 22:53

Here's the deal...

I have a good friend who suspected some time ago that her husband was having an affair. She thought the OW was her best friend. Her DH and the OW convinced her that nothing had happened, that it was just flirting, and yes, it shouldn't have happened but no harm done. And they were sorry. I wasn't convinced at the time (lots of reasons, but far too long to go into here!), but friend decided to forgive and forget . At the same time OW defended herself with mutual friends by making out that my friend was a bit delusional and insecure and nothing had happened.

So, fast fwd nine months, and my friend is having a hard time getting past it all - unsurprisingly IMO - so decided to get counselling, realised that she needed more info from husband and had a showdown with him. So it turns out they did have an affair. For over 9 months. My friend's dd was only 3m old ffs! She has decided to file for divorce.

I have to see this woman at the school gates (all our dcs are same age) and I just can't be civil, or even look her in the face. I am so angry on behalf of my friend that it is all I can do not to say anything. And as it goes on, and more details come to light, I get more and more mad. What type of woman does this to her best friend? I feel as mad with him btw, but don't have to see him every bloody day! And all the time she smiles on, trying to make conversation as if nothing has happened.

So would you say something? Or should I stay out of it?

OP posts:

HeathcliffMoorland · 14/12/2010 11:04

YANBU to want to, but you would BU to.

It would achieve absolutely nothing.

missmehalia · 14/12/2010 11:13

I'm not sure freezing her out on its own would really do it for you - you're obviously itching to say something to demonstrate where your loyalties lie..

If it were me, I'd probably say something like 'I don't feel like I want to be particularly friendly with you, X, because I know about your involvement with A and B. I know what you've done (pause). I also don't want to discuss it or hear your side, I'm appalled at what's gone on. It's not fair to try to involve me, I can't sit on the fence with this one.'

Suggest saying this face to face, much more satisfying. But quietly... wherever it is.

Blu · 14/12/2010 11:16

Strength and dignity are the way forward.

Next time she tries to make small talk say politely and directly 'to be honest, I don't feel comfortable being in contact with you - I have no wish to argue or get involved but as a friend of XX I feel happier keeping my loyalties simple, I hope that's OK with you', and smile, and walk away with your head held high.

She will shrivel inside.

missmehalia · 14/12/2010 11:21

Also, if you do want to make some kind of statement about where your loyalties lie, it's a really good idea NOT to discuss it with the other mums around, it will make your friend feel like crap if she feels her private business has become public tattle. (Have been there, it's actually quite hurtful on a bad day if none of your friends sticks up for you, however they do it.)

MN is so good for anonymous offloading, that's what we're all here for!!

nogreythatmatters · 14/12/2010 11:44

Happened to a friend of mine. She had an affair with a friend. Husband kicked her out. Other man finished with her and went back to his wife.

Fast Forward 18 months- friend is bitter, getting a divorce and has been dating a total loser for about a year. Meanwhile her soon to be ex husband has met some fabulous single ladies and is having a great time.

Moral of this story - No one told her what they thought of her, they predicted rightly that she would make a total balls up of her life - didnt require any comments from anyone

FullaDoll · 14/12/2010 11:52

I would tell EVERYBODY what she did. All the other mums, everybody. That way, everyone will know what she is like, and hopefully she won't get the chance to do it again with someone else's husband.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2010 11:54

Agree with Anyfucker.

SnowyBriar · 14/12/2010 12:11

I went through this with a friend of mine, Husband having it away with her BF.

Verbally I never uttered a word against the OW...my body language said it all for me.

Especially when I turned my back on her when she approached me across the school playground..then found something very, very funny to laugh at, very, very loudly with the group of ladies I was talking to.

She instantly changed direction rummaging in her bag as if she'd forgotten something.

I think she thought we were laughing at her,...dunno why she thought that! ;)

frgr · 14/12/2010 12:12

"I would tell EVERYBODY what she did"

I would ignore that advice completely. It would embrass your lovely friend, make you look like a gossip. I'm also wondering if you hold the same level of vitriol towards the man involved her - from what I can tell the other woman might not even have a partner of her own, so the accusations of "husband eater", "husband stealer" simply detracts from the fact that he is the one with more responsibility here. Save your anger for something more constructive - move on. Blank her and avoid all contact/a relationship with her, but FGS keep out of this.

Nattering, bitching, embarassing women at the school gates - if I ever knew ANY of my friends would do something like that if I was in that position, I would be further mortified. It's completely misplaced loyalty. Totally inappropriate.

FullaDoll · 14/12/2010 12:29

On reflection, frgr, I think you are probably right.

MadameDefarge · 14/12/2010 12:29

Your friend is already feeling humiliated and disempowered as it is, telling other people will just compound that...the last thing she needs is to be the subject of petty gossip and having the world know her private business. If SHE wants to tell everyone, well, that's her decision. Not yours.

A well turned cold shoulder should suffice.

MadameDefarge · 14/12/2010 12:30

Though of course OP, I know you weren't suggesting telling others!

missmehalia · 14/12/2010 12:32

Your friend is the most wronged one here. Make a fuss of her, be supportive, and invest your energies that way if you want to help. Really think chatting to other mums about it as the latest juicy gossip is a mistake. Your friend has had no control over this happening, and may not want to be the subject of idle speculation. She's got kids, presumably, and the other children (of the other mums) might pick up on it all, and who knows what they might repeat.

You can't prevent other mums hearing and talking about it, but you can control what you do.

Debs75 · 14/12/2010 12:36

Stay out of it, a boring answer but you will only make things worse.
If she asks you why you are ignoring her then be honest and tell her you know about the affir and don't want to be two-faced as you are supporting your friend

ShoppingDays · 14/12/2010 12:40

Yes, say what you think.

There's no point in cutting people off if they won't necessarily know what the reason is (she might just think you are being rude).

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 14/12/2010 12:45

Please be careful how you behave around your children wrt this woman.

Two girls have recently moved from ds's school because others in the class were horribly bullying them. The bullies had overheard their mothers gossiping, and picked up on all the hostility.

The head failed to grasp the severity of the situation and handled it badly (if anyone should have moved it should have been the bullies - which would have served their gossippy parents right when they had another few miles added to the school run ) but that's another story.

Original poster

lurkingsnurker · 14/12/2010 19:46

Oh, the OW has a dh and two dcs under three. He is oblivious. I just can't fathom it at all. According to my friend she has previous for this - another affair, with another woman's husband. She keeps it quiet and only told my friend when they were still 'best.friends'. I wonder why!! Her moral code must be completely absent.

I am, of course, keeping schtum. Although my friend has decided to share the news quite widely herself. This is unwise I think, because there will come a time when she is ready to move on, and yet the school gate crowd will still label her as the one who's dh had an affair with her bf. I have told her this, but she is getting some comfort from it in the short term so continues. I will just let her be.

You are right when you say I am absolutely itching to say something, but will heed your wise words and just make it clear that I want nothing whatsoever to do with the scheming, duplicitous bitch.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2010 20:10

ah, but you can say a lot, without using any words at all, remember that

chipmonkey · 14/12/2010 20:44

For the childrens sake, everyone, including your friend should keep quiet. Difficult I know but she will pay for it one day. I do believe that.

at karmabeliever!

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