to want my children treated the same as their cousins

[monkeyflippers]

I have 2 lovely children and no one in my family who can help me out with them, babysitting so I get a break, or even to look after them in an emergency.

My in-laws babysit for their other 3 grandchildren ALL the time so that the childrens parents can go to work, play tennis, go out to the pub, have them overnight, take them to play centres, on picnics, museums etc. Yet they are very reluctant to have ours. My children are lovely (in my opinion) so they are not particularly difficult, just normal but if we ever ask for help (rarely) the ILs make a huge fuss about it and make it difficult for us by saying they will only do certain times (that there isn't a good reason for and which make it impossible to use the help anyway) and then moan about it. Or they just say no. Or they say yes and then change their mind, let us down etc.

It is actually really upsetting as I don't have parents to help me and have been through some really rough things (eg.losing my parents, being depressed and having pnd after losing my parents) lately and they know this.

My DH doesn't assert himself with them very well so this never gets dealt with so it just festers away making me angry.

I feel so sad for my children. The in-laws obviously love them but will just fall over themselves to do things for their oldest son and his family but think that we should just manage and then tell us we are lucky for all the help we get . . . WHAT HELP!?

It's not that I feel entitled or anything and I'm not asking them to have the children while I go away to a Spa or something. It's only when I have a real need. Like a hospital appointment with a gyno or have to go into hospital for an operation (yes they said no) or when we've had an acident at home and had to get DH to a&e asap. Or when we've had major building work going on at home and it has been dangerous for the children to be there but I've had to be.

I think it is only a matter of time before my children notice and when they ask why I'm intending on directing them to in-laws for an answer. Problem is I don't want them to be lied to like "no we don't do all those things with your cousins" etc.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting. Probably haven't even put his in the right place as it always turns into arguments here.

I know that I don't expect to much from them, it just makes me sad that they don't want to help at all. It is like my DH and his children are treated like second class citizens in comparison to his brother and family.

herbietea - well if you are doing that journey in agony then no one could ever say you're not making an effort! That must be horrible!

My ILs expect quite a lot from us, for us to help them with DIY (when we have a tiny baby), give them lifts places (they have cars, are just too lazy to get a cab if they want a drink), etc , all these things while we have tiny children. It never seems to occur to them that we have more on our plate then they have on theirs. If we ask them for a favour they look at us like we are crazy and then say no because they have to do the shopping! (translated: we are very, very busy and important people and need an entire weekend to go to Tesco).

monkey - in that case I would stop going out of your way to help them. There's only so long you can be somebody's dogsbody for. If your DH desperately wants to please them still, you need to find a tactful way to say that they aren't worth the effort as the stress of keeping up appearaces is just making him feel worse. After years of being cowed by my mother my sister and I are finally beginning to realise this ourselves.

Sometimes water is thicker than blood, you know? (Oh, and YANBU of course. They sound rotten.)

UPDATE!

Well we had stopped asking the PIL for any help a while ago as I got fed up of all the rejection and them making it difficult for us.

In a few weeks though it is my DH and my anniversary and we would love to be able to go out. Usually they have agreed to have the DCs for 1 1/2 hours on these occassions and we go and grab a quick bit of dinner and have a chat which its so hard to do with dcs running around.

They will only have our DCs at their house though (if they even say yes) which means that we spend more time getting them there with all their stuff and by the time we pick them up they are asleep, and it's a hassle to get them back to sleep and settled when we get home. Plus then after all the messing around we are knackered. Considering the amount of time they have them for it hardly even seems worth it. Of course if they would come to our house that would be completely different as the dcs would be settled in their own bed and we could spend more (ahem) time together.

Anyway I don't want to ask anymore and have no intention of doing it but my DH thinks we should have a fresh start, new year and all that. It's been like this for several years so I don't see how this year would be any different suddenly. Plus I don't want to give them the opportunity of saying yes and then acting really put out when we turn up as they usually do. As then you can't really complain as they would just say "well we won't look after them then" and we wouldn't get our night out. So we end up being a bit over a barrel.

So we would love to go out but don't know how to do it. We have a couple of friends who might help but I always feel bad about asking (we've only ever done it twice) as I don't want to put upon people or make them feel bad for saying no. I thought about offering some money as you would a proper babysitter but not sure how much? Also don't want to insult anyone. I know someone who is a professional that I could hire but think it would cost a bit really as we would like to go out for a whole evening (shock horror).

Not sure what advice I'm hoping for, think actually I might have just needed a rant!

I am so glad to have come across this post, even if it is from a few years back. I have EXACTLY the same experience with my ILs.. still navigating it with young kids. It’s been a serious cause of grief for me since the early days. I never knew how snide and manipulative my MIL was.

We had a major bust up at Oct half term after my littlest very nearly drowned in the river.

How did things pan out with the relationship the grandkids / you have with the ILs now the kids are older?