to want my children treated the same as their cousins

[monkeyflippers]

I have 2 lovely children and no one in my family who can help me out with them, babysitting so I get a break, or even to look after them in an emergency.

My in-laws babysit for their other 3 grandchildren ALL the time so that the childrens parents can go to work, play tennis, go out to the pub, have them overnight, take them to play centres, on picnics, museums etc. Yet they are very reluctant to have ours. My children are lovely (in my opinion) so they are not particularly difficult, just normal but if we ever ask for help (rarely) the ILs make a huge fuss about it and make it difficult for us by saying they will only do certain times (that there isn't a good reason for and which make it impossible to use the help anyway) and then moan about it. Or they just say no. Or they say yes and then change their mind, let us down etc.

It is actually really upsetting as I don't have parents to help me and have been through some really rough things (eg.losing my parents, being depressed and having pnd after losing my parents) lately and they know this.

My DH doesn't assert himself with them very well so this never gets dealt with so it just festers away making me angry.

I feel so sad for my children. The in-laws obviously love them but will just fall over themselves to do things for their oldest son and his family but think that we should just manage and then tell us we are lucky for all the help we get . . . WHAT HELP!?

It's not that I feel entitled or anything and I'm not asking them to have the children while I go away to a Spa or something. It's only when I have a real need. Like a hospital appointment with a gyno or have to go into hospital for an operation (yes they said no) or when we've had an acident at home and had to get DH to a&e asap. Or when we've had major building work going on at home and it has been dangerous for the children to be there but I've had to be.

I think it is only a matter of time before my children notice and when they ask why I'm intending on directing them to in-laws for an answer. Problem is I don't want them to be lied to like "no we don't do all those things with your cousins" etc.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting. Probably haven't even put his in the right place as it always turns into arguments here.

I know that I don't expect to much from them, it just makes me sad that they don't want to help at all. It is like my DH and his children are treated like second class citizens in comparison to his brother and family.

YANBU... but if you know they are like that, then don't ask for help in future. You'll only end up disappointed and resentful. It is your husband's job to insist on equal treatment, you're right. And maybe there's some reason why they think his brother needs more help. So forge your own lives and keep them on the peripheries... their loss, right?

Chil1234 - thats exactly how I've been feeling, like I dont want to even ask them to help again so that they don't get a chance to say no. At the moment we are just managing by ourselves (as we always have done really). The older brother is just louder and spoilt and takes advantage at every opportunity so harder to say no to. He is also quite self pittying so always gives the impression that they have it really tough (with all that free and loving childcare . . . I don't think so!) Whereas my DH will keep things in that are worrying him (health problems etc) so that he doesn't worry them. He's lovely and very considerate that way.

MadamDeathstare - children are similar ages. They had their oldest just before we had our oldest.

Both my sets of GPs spent more time with one set of cousins each than they did with us, and now DHs parents spend more time with SILs DC than ours, so I recon it might be pretty normal.

The reason for all the differences in how they're treated was/is that the children lived really close to their GP.

It's not just the extra time, but all the parents of the DC seemed to take advantage of the GPs whenever they had the chance, and really put upon them.

It used to piss me off that DHs parents didn't seem to want to be invovled in our DCs lives and were constantly talking about SILs DC, but I can't be arsed getting annoyed at something I can't change.

FWIW I didn't notice we were the ones left out as children, so hopefully my DDs and your DCs wont either.

Just noticed you've said your DHs brother is 'louder and spoilt and takes advantage at every opportunity so harder to say no to. He is also quite self pittying so always gives the impression that they have it really tough'.

That's my SIL to a T! perhaps that's the key then??

Yanbu at all

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog - Yeah definately think being loud and spoilt and self-piitying etc has an influence on these situations. Don't understand why the In-Laws don't realise this though. Why they don't think to themselves "well this one is always asking for help and we do help them loads, but this one doesn't and when they do we are always saying no" and then decide to even it up a bit. I would!

MadamDeathstare - They do treat them equally when they are together I think. You've made me wonder now! But I would never let that happen.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone to adopt as granparents for my children. There are a couple of people but they live far away.

Sorry to go on but it just makes me so sad! Sometimes when I think about it, it actually gives me a stomach ache. I can't bear the thought of my children not being treated as they should be, as equals to their cousins. I obviously never discuss it in front of them because I never want them to feel rejected, I just feel rejected on their behalf.

I've seen it written on here, and I agree, that some people just seem more capable than others.

Thinking about it, that's something else that connects all the people I know who have heavy expectations of their parents when they're adults, I might even go as far as to say they play on their 'vulnerability'.

Although I'm not saying that having your parents help out makes you vulnerable, before I get a flaming

Do you think then that the parents see their children as being vulnerable as well?

Monkey YANBU.
It's hard when you have DCs and not much help. When I was younger I remember my Gran favoured my cousins over me and my Sister but history repeats itself and now my parents favour my nephew over my DCs

Their excuse is that my sis is a single mum and needs more help. I know this is true but when your DCs are upset that they haven't been invited on a day out with Grandparents and cousin - it really pulls at your heart strings.

I know how much it can get you down and unfortunately can't offer any advice to make it any better.

I found it easier to detach myself from the situation and no longer have as much contact with them but I'm a lot less stressed

I would take quite a hard line on this and if I felt that my parents or ILs were not treating my DC the same as their other grandchildren then I would cut contact. Think it's appalling that they wouldn't have your DC when you had to take DH to hospital.

Can't abide favouritism and wouldn't allow my DC to be exposed to it. Your poor DH must find this so hurtful.

I think the best policy is definitely to find others to rely on and never ask if your in laws not forthcoming - could you ask your BIL instead in emergencies?

We don't ask my parents to help, close though we are in both senses, as without asking I sense they have too much going on and just enjoy seeing dd with us as a family. So far there have been no emergencies but we have 3 or so friends/Sils dd v familiar with and who we call last minute as usually one can help.
Favouritism complicates things a lot though as so unfair on you and your children and I really feel for you.

I recon they do monkey, which kind of encourages them to keep acting they way they are.

Like my SIL, she is a single parent, and she's always seen as 'poor XXXX who had such a hard time when she was married' even though her DC are older and her marriage ended over 10 years ago. She's been cast in that role and carries on playing it.

Unless your PIL are really bad, I think a big 'I'm going to sever contact' isn't really necessary. I just stopped making the effort to contact mine and they don't bother, so when we do have to see each other there's no awkwardness, we smile/chat then move on again.

We're gradually buildiing up a support network locally with new friends who I now think of first in an a emergency. I also have a nursery who are kind and flexible and I've worked hard to be a 'good' parent - talked them up to the OFSTEAD inspector, recommended locally to other parents so I now know they'd help.

I have rarely had to call in to play my 'back up plan' but I feel happier knowing it's there and I also think in reverse - would I mind if x had a hospital appointment would look after y. I would n't so it feels right.

Frankly my DH relatives would be the last people to rely on in a crisis too busy licking their own arses.

karmabeliever - Yeah my DH does find it hurtful although he rarely speaks about it, just keeps it bottled up. He does get very down though and I wonder if that is why. He also seems a bit scared of their disapproval which I think is why he doesn't really stick up for himself . . . or my . . . or the DCs.

It has become impossible to talk to him about it now though as no matter how carefully I put it he thinks I am attacking his family and that I don't like them etc. It is actually causing some problems with us as I feel that he should stick up for and fight for fair treatment of his children. Maybe that sounds a bit over the top but I'm feeling very protective of my DCs right now!

YANBU - It's really hard.

My MIL is great and tries to even out her time with all 7 grandchildren. She's really conscious if she's done a lot for SIL, she makes sure she frees up the weekend for our two. She's as hands-on with all of the kids.

My parents, on the other hand, are like your ILs. Even when we go down to visit (they live about 1.5 hours away), they waffle on about my nieces all the time. If my sister comes over to visit, they completely ignore my two. It's not just me who notices, DH really notices it too. If DD needs a nappy change my mum will pull a face and point at her 'she needs a change'. Fine, not bothered really, but if one of my nieces needs one she runs over scoops them up and whisks them off for a bum change. The same with mealtimes.

They pretty much ignore them playing too. Just carry on with their conversation while DS and DD try and get their attention. My two nieces get fussed over all the time though. It's heart breaking as my kids are adorable and I don't know why my mum couldn't care less. I hate seeing them getting ignored in the corner while my sister's DDs get all the attention.

I think it's to do with the relationship that they have with my sister. They always feel like they need to support her more, I've always been more independent and self-reliant.

I just have to grin and bear it. It's shit though

My dad and his wife have ignored my children for three years because we fell out.

He moved to be nearer her children and their kids.

When he did send a cheque for the kids it was half what they spent on her children.

Just get used to it.

Kids do make up their own minds, eldest has anyways.

When my DS was very little we lived abroad, and so he only saw both sets of grandparents once a year. Both I and my DH have siblings whose kids are similar ages to DS, and we used to hear a lot about them from both sets of grandparents: what they were up to, all the little anecdotes, how funny they were, how cute etc etc.

I used to struggle a little bit not to feel defensive about my DS, and how they didn't seem that interested in him. I think they just didn't know him so well and it has sorted itself out now that we see them all more often (live in the UK now). I think it's difficult for grandparents to relate to the grandchildren they see less often.

I know this isn't totally the same thing that the OP is talking about. It does sound as though the BIL being more demanding and needy has a big effect - don't get me started on BILs and SILs (I get on with my own siblings, luckily, as does my DH, but DH's family are a bit more tricky for both of us).

The weird thing is that I don't think they realise they do more for BIL. Or at least if they do they think it is that reasonable and justified that they don't even need to mention it. I have often thought about talking to them about it but am sure they will say that it's not true or they will say that BIL and SIL need more help then us because of SIL job or something like that. I nearly had a job too but they refused to babysit while I went and did a trial day so I didn't know if I was going to like it enough to arrange longer term childcare etc.

Maybe I wouldn't mind if BIL & SIL were grateful at all but they take it for granted and have really taken offence in the past when I have mentioned that they are lucky with the help they get. They are weird!

herbietea - that's so sad! Has it ever been pointed out to them? What does you 16yo say about it? Don't think it would go well if I did that. FIL can be humpy, unreasonable, grudge-holding, aggressive, and has to win arguments. I'm crap at arguments so would never win. I'm not quick witted enough either while he is quick as a flash and can also be a bit scary. He's not nice to get on the wrong side of.

I tried to stand up for my DC's last winter when they let me down over some help they promised and even though they were clearer out of order for promising help then not keeping to it, FIL has been giving me evils ever since. It's a bit uncomfortable now. And DH was angry with me for sticking up for myself!

maybe they've committed themselves to doing so much for the other family, they are very cautious of making that mistake again.