A follow on from the I-pod docking station thread

[Ray81]

To all of those that helped and gave me support with regards to the awful situation, Thankyou very much and i need some more advise.

Christmas is Looming (incase anyone hadn't noticed) and i need to tell my DM that i wont be going round on christmas day, Not sure what to say tbh.

The reason i dont want to go round is because i know that i will get a "what is SHE doing here" from my step dad which will just mean me walking out with the DDs and it will upset DD1 greatly and ruin DD2s first christmas, piss DH off royaly and the shit will hit the fan big time.

I always go to see my grandad on christmas day too so was thinking of telling DM that i will just see her there, or alternatively she is more then welcome to come and see us at ours (deluded emotion).

I dont think iabu to not go there when it can cause so much agro but i know she will try and make me feel bad for not going so i need some good defences ready.

To anyone that doesn't know what i am going on about sorry i can give background if needed.

Hey Ray, YANBU at all. I lurked repeatedly on your earlier thread, btw

Anyhow, if I were you, I wouldn't make that offer to your mum. Sounds like it is being extorted from you by your own guilt. And you have nothing to feel guilty about!! Plus do you really want to spend Xmas with that coming up, which it will if she is there?

Your family are used to you 'coming around' to completely unreasonable stuff because of guilt. So just say, coolly and neutrally,

'I think after all the recent tensions it would be better for ALL of us if we did our own thing this Xmas. After all, we don't want to spoil the festive season. I'll be going to DGD's with DCs and DH.'

[subtext: you don't need to be there, DM]

can you say that...?

And if she does make you feel bad... repeat as necessary. No further explanation needed. Just, I'm going to DGD's. Don't get into a slanging match picking over the mythical docking station.

If you go there then you can leave whenever you want. If she comes to yours then you are stuck with her until she decides to go. Do not invite her to yours!

Anyway, tell her you are not coming Christmas day. Don't feel that you need to explain. If you give an excuse then she has something to chip away at. Just politely say 'no' and leave it at that.

Concentrate on your own family and spend the day with people who love you.

A good excuse is that you want to spend DD2's first Christmas just as a family. You should definitely not go and risk the family situation getting worse. I think giving your mother the options of seeing her at your grandad's or coming to yours are good too, I would offer them up.

... but as for defences it is very difficult. I am not going to my family's for Christmas this year as my family have behaved very, very badly this year (events around my baby's funeral that I doubt I will never get over) and I am now 7 months pregnant and don't want the stress of the unresolved issues on Xmas day.

I told my mother that DH and I wanted to spend it together (didn't mention the events of the year as trying to maintain a cordial relationship - if a more boundaried one) and got tears and phones being slammed down.

It is painful (especially when you aren't that used yet to standing up to them)... but you must stand firm and remember that your priorities are your DH and DC's now.

Also remember the worst has already happened in a way...

.. just rereading the other posts and PP who said if your mum comes to yours you can't get rid of her has a good point... maybe don't offer up the 'see you and grandad's' or visit to you and aim for a peaceful time!

Revolting _ DM isn't the problem tbh it my Step Dad. I have seen DM once or twice since the whole thing started and she hasnt mentioned it once, the only time she has said anything to me directly was that she felt we (me and Sis) should deal with it ourselves and she realy didnt want to get involved.
i realy wouldnt mind DM coming here for an hr to visit us but i know damn well that would not happen.

It is my SD that is the problem, i havent seen or spoken to him since the discussion we had on that mon evening when he said he was going to come back with sis and never turned up. i KNOW that he believes her and not me and that something will be said on christmas day if i were to go there even for 10 mins. I also know that he has said that i am not welcome in the house anymore so why in gos name would i go there. The thing is it is just expected that i will.

I feel for my DDs that they will not see their GPs on christmas day but i do not want it to be ruined and i can just see that happening tbh

Lucy i am so sorry that you has problems with your family surronding your babies funeral, makes my problems pale in insignificance.

I hope you have a nice christmas and congratulations on the being pg. I hope all goes well for you and you are soon holding a healthy baby in your arms.

You sound very strong to have told them what you want just wish i could be like that and not such a bloody walk over wimp all the time.

Meryz - thanks, yes we still plan to move, we are currently waiting to hear from the mortage company re moving our mortage. We have a VERY low interest rate at the moment 0.78% and we would be very silly to move and get a higher interest rate ifswim. Our only chance is if the mortage company will allow us to transport the mortage to another house.

I am keeping everything crossed.

You could just say 'I'm sorry mum, but unless the invitation comes from both you and SD then we won't be there.'

Not a lot she can say to that! If she tries to guilt you, it's her own DH that is making it hard so turn it back on her. She might be saying that you and your sis should sort it out between you two, but she's not following it through with her DH, so tough!

Chitchat - i dont actualy get an "ivite" per see it is just expected that we will be there.

However that is a good one if she asks me if we are going i will just say that, and if she doesnt ask i will say "well you didnt invite me round so assumed i wasn't welcome" that should so the trick.

Ray - in all honesty I think you should wait for her to ask. I don't think she had the right to sit on the fence - she should have defended you to your SD. Wait for her to ask you what your plans are and then tell her you will see her at your grandad's.

Don't let your SD and your mean and selfish brat of a sister spoil your Christmas.

Just tell her you will not be going to hers for Christmas.

Do not apologise
Do not explain
Do not try to justify yourself.

"No" is a powerful word.

How did your Christmas go? I hope you had a good one.

Same as Dylthan, lurked on your other thread and wondering how you're doing.

jesus I remembered the i-pod thread.
did the op pay out anything in the end or get any of her cash/jewelerry back?