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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

what would you do?

24 replies

frazzled74 · 12/12/2010 01:34

each year i take my dcs to see santa in london, see the lights and ice skateing. This year a friend asked that she and her ds come with us.I was happy with this but know that friend doesnt have much money, told her cost of tickets and train etc, she was adamant that could save money to pay for christmas treat.I have paid for santa tickets and ice skateing, dcs are excited, friend has just told me that she cant afford to go unless i lend her £50 till feb, I can just about afford to do this but feel a bit annoyed that she invited herself knowing couldnt afford it and has put me in such position. If i say no her ds will be disappoined and will put dampner on my day with dcs, if i say yes, i will be short of cash, (dh will be fuming as warned me not to book tickets in first place)

OP posts:
Serendippy · 12/12/2010 01:40

Say no, that you don't have the spare cash. Her DS will forget, you cannot put yourself in a difficult position to please others.

Rannaldini · 12/12/2010 01:42

she hasn't saved she can't go
i it were important to her she would have prioritised
can she pay for her son's train ticket and you take him on his own?

izzywizzywoowooo · 12/12/2010 01:47

I wouldn't lend it her if I were you, She said she could afford it and if it puts you in a difficult position it's even more of a no no. Plus Feb is 2 months away so quite a bit to wait for your money back.

Original poster
frazzled74 · 12/12/2010 01:58

if i could afford it easily i would pay but its not a good time of year financially, i have saved for me and my dcs so that we can go as i do each year, but am now going to feel bad going without her.

OP posts:
rockinhippy · 12/12/2010 02:04

I'm with the others, shes not going to learn that that sort of behaviour just isn't acceptable Hmm unless you say NO,

your own DCs only need to know she doesn't have enough money to join you, & you have none to spare, her Dcs are HER problem

she's taking the P, manipulating your good nature, but she can only do that if you ALLOW her to set you up as the victim,...if she wants to go that badly, let her find the money elsewhere, or at least learn you are not a mug, & she is responsible for her own kids happiness, not you Wink

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 03:23

If you can't afford to give her the money, don't lend her the money. If she couldn't save it in time to do this for her childrenm she's probably not going to be able to save it to pay it back to you. I know it's Christmas, but after Christmas there will be additional heating bills, kids birthdays, washing machine breaking down - you know what it's like. DH will be asking you all the time if she's given it to you yet....

Just tell her that you are really sorry, but you can't afford to lend her the money and unless you can re sell the tickets, she will still need to pay you for the tickets that you have already bought on her behalf.

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 12/12/2010 07:14

It's your money to lend (or not), surely, so I don't think it's up to your dh to be angry.

Maybe she really did think she could save the money.

She's a friend - I'd lend it to her. Quite apart from the fact the dcs will be upset, will you be able to get the money back anyway? The tickets would just go to waste.

If you really can't afford to lend her the £50, can she borrow it from someone else?

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 12/12/2010 07:22

I'm assuming she's not a serial piss taker, btw.

If she is, then no, don't lend!

seeker · 12/12/2010 07:25

I would offer to take her ds with yours. You've already paid for the tickets, and presumably the train fare wouldn't be much with a family rail card.

I find all these "she'll never learn" "she is responsible for her own children's happiness" and so on posts profoundly depressing. Shouldn't we all help out when we can?

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 12/12/2010 08:33

Seeker, that's a great idea.

I agree, the "she'll never learn" stuff is depressing.

sarah293 · 12/12/2010 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 12/12/2010 08:41

I don't know.

tbh, it seems a bit calculated. And I can't go unless you lend me money seems a bit - blackmailerish I suppose.

Are you going to be out of pocket if she doesn't go?

Only you know whether she is a lovely person and it is likely that something has really gone wrong with her budget, or if she has planned to get you to fork out, knowing that she will pull this stunt.

I think that nobody here can say what they would do without knowing that!

Ephiny · 12/12/2010 09:21

If she's a good friend and you want her company, then I'd lend it, it's only £50 after all.

If it would leave you short though - should any of you be going if money is so tight at the moment? Can you do something all together closer to home that doesn't cost so much? Ice skating locally perhaps? I guess you mean the open-air rinks in London, which are nice in their way, but in my experience they're small, over-crowded and very very expensive for what they are!

Laurtopsy · 12/12/2010 09:48

I agree with other posters. If she's a serial piss taker then it's a definite no from me but if she's a genuine friend in need and you're confident this is a one off loan and you'll get your money back in Feb then I see no reason, apart from your own financial hardship, why you wouldn't.

If this is severely going to put you out of pocket to the point where you can't pay your immediate bills and will find yourself loaning money from others to tide you over then you can't do it for your family's sake. Yes, dc will be disappointed but it's a real situation, not one where your friend has let you down last minute on a whim because she just doesn't want to go anymore.

It was her responsibility to pay when she said she would go and I would expect the money regardless of whether she goes or not if you can't sell on the tickets.

rockinhippy · 12/12/2010 11:46

That was my take on it too Hectate reading between the lines of the OP, it does come across as if the friend is probably a serial p'taker......why else be so calculated & manipulative & why else would the DH be so vocal about NOT lending the money, unless its something that has come up before

though if that is genuinely not the case (which I would doubt from the manner the loan was asked for) then the OP needs to base it on how badly she will miss the money hereslf, & take it from there

Nancy66 · 12/12/2010 11:49

If you're confident she'll pay you back and you can afford to - then lend her the money.
it will make you feel really good when you see her kid's enjoyment.

CrazyChristmasLady · 12/12/2010 11:50

I was going to say don't do it, its her own fault for not saving and if it does put you in a slight struggle finacially, then definitely don't do it.

However if this is a one off, she is a very good friend and you can afford it, then maybe consider it but set a deadline as to when you have to have the money back.

If not, tell her you can't afford it. I know it sounds harsh but if her children are disappointed, thats her fault, not yours. Or you could use the suggestion someone else said and take her children, if its not too much trouble on your own.

TheMonster · 12/12/2010 11:53

If it leaves you short, don't do it. There are surely other places she could borrow the money from.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 12/12/2010 11:56

Whether she's a serial pisstaker or not; you can't lend her the money.

She's just transfering her difficulties to your family. You know the score; your DH has already spelt it out. You'd be putting your friend before your own DH and family; and that's very disrespectful to your fundamental relationships.

Your friend will have to deal with her own family and the consequences; it's not of your making. You then have to be as truthful with your own children.

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 12:34

I said what I said because of the tone of the OP she cant afford to go unless i lend her £50 till feb, I can just about afford to do this but feel a bit annoyed that she invited herself knowing couldnt afford it and has put me in such position this doesn't read like it was unexpected that the friend now can't afford it - it sounds like typical behaviour.

Jenai - lots of couples/families have joint money, so her DH's viewpoint is valid. If he knows he's unlikely to see this money again (which is how it sounds to me), then why shouldn't he say he doesn't want them to lend it to her. It's not like it's for essentials either.

ragged · 12/12/2010 12:39

Don't lend it. Lending money to someone in this sort of situation is an almost sure-fired guaranteed way to lose the friendship completely.

Original poster
frazzled74 · 12/12/2010 14:34

thanks, it has happened before quite a few times to the extent that i dont invite her to go out with me unless i can afford to treat her, which is why i didnt invite her on this trip, but she invited herself which put me in a bit of a situation. I am going to offer to take her ds but tell her i cant afford her train fare and food etc as well.

OP posts:
AllGoodNamesGone · 12/12/2010 14:47

I think that's a wise choice and it's really kind of you to take her son with you so he doesn't miss out. I always find trips out more challenging with someone else's children along, however well behaved they are, it just changes the dynamic, so good on you for that.

I feel you would be saying goodbye to your £50 if you lent it to her. I am sure she intends to pay you back but she intended to save up and that didn't happen. It's a shame she's struggling but it's not fair to leave you £50 short at Christmas. A tenner maybe but not £50.

At least this way her son will get a good day out Xmas Smile

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 12/12/2010 15:49

Good call, fraz.

Have a good time Xmas Smile

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