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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect her to include our names

14 replies

AngelHMum · 11/12/2010 23:33

I'll try and keep this brief but forgive me if it's not.

DH and I have been together for 9 years and married for 8. We both have children from previous marriages and have two together.

He had been divorced from his first wife for 6 years and she'd been re-married for 4 when we met. I was not the other woman - his first wife left him for her second husband.
His children have never accepted his decision to remarry or acknowledged me and our children at all. They refused to attend our wedding, we are never invited to anything they do and his son got married earlier this year only inviting his dad to attend on his own two days before. My DH didn't go because we had plans already, but that's a whole other can of worms.

Anyway the point is that my step-daughter (age 28) sends a card every Christmas to "My darling dad and his new family". She has met us at wider family events such as weddings, funerals, birthdays, christenings etc.. We send cards and presents at Christmas and on birthdays including all our names. She knows who we are fgs.

It really gets to me, I know I shouldn't let it but every year I grit my teeth roll my eyes and seethe about it. DH has spoken to her but she says she forgets how to spell our names.
Personally I'd rather have them spelt wrong than not at all and it all seems so petty and such a dig at us every year.

I would understand it if I'd been the other woman, split the family, been the archetypal wicked step-mother but it's not like that. It never was - she is nice to her half-siblings by her mother and to her step-father's children, so why do we get considered "his new family".
Am I being unreasonable or should I expect my name and those of my children on a card at Christmas ?

OP posts:

BelligerentGhoul · 11/12/2010 23:36

YANBU - his children sound horrible and, coupled with the other stuff you said, it sounds like she's doingit on purpose - as a dig.

Original poster

AngelHMum · 11/12/2010 23:51

BelligerentGhoul - yes I know it's a dig and it's all done on purpose.
Thanks for not thinking I'm unreasonable, I'm not sure there's any way forward but I do feel that at 28 it's about time my step-daughter grew up a bit.
I just feel I'm being a bit petty sometimes about letting it bother me so much.

Until he met me, apart from a very brief relationship his older children had him very much to themselves and they seem to resent him settling down with me.

OP posts:

BluTac · 11/12/2010 23:53

Why do they accept the mum's family but not yours?

Original poster

AngelHMum · 12/12/2010 00:00

Blutac - your guess is as good as ours. We honestly don't know. His children lived with their mum and step-dad after the divorce while my husband moved back to his parents until he met me.

He has never abandoned them, we paid to see them through University and we have always kept up contact and never missed a birthday or Christmas. His ex-wife has not been pleasant since he re-married so there is a bit of influence there. I think she preferred him to stay single.
For example when the children graduated we were not "allowed" to attend because it wasn't fair on their mum, so we just sent a card and present and let it be.

OP posts:

BluTac · 12/12/2010 00:05

It's really sad that they're missing out on knowing their half-siblings, and very rude of them to not name you. Very sad.

Original poster

AngelHMum · 12/12/2010 00:19

It is very sad and I know in the big scheme of things it's a small detail - just names on a Christmas card, but I just felt I was perhaps making too much of it.
It's nice to know that others don't think I'm being too sensitive.

His daughter did get a bit peculiar when we had our first daughter and his ex-wife sent a letter saying "things might be different had the baby been a boy" so I understand she could be a bit jealous. However she was 21 at the time, it probably doesn't help that both our children together are girls though.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 12/12/2010 00:49

Things might of been different if their mother didn't let her own feelings cloud how she facilitated your DH's relationship with his children.

She is obviously the one who has issues, and most children often feel the need are emotionally blackmailed to form an alliance with one parent over another.

I suspect the daughter was upset and angry about the situation changing meaning your DH met you etc, but instead of getting a re-assuring talk from her mum, she just took on her mothers bad attitude towards you as it was simply easier.

A decent mother would of put her unreasonable feelings aside and would of helped her daughters see the positives of any new siblings in this situation.
A decent mother would of also not put barriers up to make it difficult for her ex to see his child on graduation etc.

she sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Shame their is nothing you can do.
Although i probably would address the 28yr old now, about her behaviour.

'new family' there is nothing new about you or your children, she is being deliberatly nasty, she wouldn't like it if you sent her a card saying, ' to the old daughter, from the new family ' would she? nope. She is old enough to know better.

whiteflame · 12/12/2010 02:16

this must be incredibly frustrating for you OP. you're right, at 28 they should be accepting you and their siblings (not that I think there's anything to 'accept' as such, given that you did nothing wrong!).

speaking from experience though, it is very, very difficult to be the child (grown up or not) when one parent is openly hostile towards the other. i feel a little sorry for his children if this is the situation with their mum.

so no advice really, but much sympathy.

Penelope1980 · 12/12/2010 07:23

She needs to grow up. I have a terrific relationship now with my step mother who WAS the "other woman" and the cause of my parents' breakup. It was a mess for the first year or so, but if you want to be mature about it and move on, you can. 28 is not twelve.

BellyLikeABowlFullOfJelly · 12/12/2010 07:46

I'd send her a cars and sign it

"The New Family"

(AKA Angelmum, Angeldad, and your SISTERS Angelgirl, and Angelgirl)

This way she sees how silly this all looks and reminds her you are real people

BellyLikeABowlFullOfJelly · 12/12/2010 07:47

cars=card btw!

and I mean sign your actual names not angel cause that would be weird!

Actuallawyer · 12/12/2010 07:51

YANBU to be upset by it; it does seem to be a deliberate dig. I'm not sure that there's anything you can do so best to try and ignore it. If she's reached 28 without growing up then you might well have a long wait.

risingstar · 12/12/2010 08:35

i think you need to stop allowing this to hurt you.

she sounds like an immature cow. presumably you can recognise her card just by the envelope? just chuck it straight in the bin.

you have behaved impeccably, she sees it as an opportunity to keep having a pop at you.

KangarooCaught · 12/12/2010 08:54

It's an unpleasant dig.

My father married a woman that I was meh about, we would never have been friends if she hadn't met my father. However, no way could I ever be so rude or churlish to her or her son, because she made my df happy.

And it really is your dsd's loss. That bitterness she feels is corrosive - silly of her to do that to herself.

If it irks you, do you have a shredder? Very therapeutic.

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