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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset with MIL & SIL

54 replies

puglet123 · 11/12/2010 20:33

Ok - so it is my son's 7th Birthday on New Year's Eve and I had organised a meal at a restaurant owned by a friend for his Birthay. My DH, DS, DD, and MIL & SIL were booked to come but now my SIL's new partner's sister is having a party my husband's family have cancelled us and opted for the sister's party. AIBU for thinking they could come to their nephew/Grandson's Birthday meal first ( it is at 6.30 - so not late) and go to the party late? One of the reason's I thought it would be nice is that they aren't seeing us over Christmas either so won't see the children until the New Year and considering both children have Birthday's and Christmas in December I would have thought they would try and make the effort to see them.
AIBU or should I except they don't see it as a priority?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusySanta · 11/12/2010 22:43

I think they are so rude!!

To think that a Grandma would say yes to her GS's party and then cancel because of another party is so out of order.

Tw1nkle · 11/12/2010 22:51

YANBU.

I have a feeling I'm going to have the same problem with my PIL's in the future.

Your son will have a great time anyway (you can make sure of that), and he'll make his own mind up about what people think of him - he'll lose a little respect for them no doubt - and rightly so.

TechnoKitten · 11/12/2010 22:59

Your poor DS! That's a mean thing to do to a 7 year old - what sort of message does it send him about his grandmother and aunt?

Depending on how much you want to work at them, could your DH let his mother know how hurt her grandson will be and ask if she at least could attend both parties? A sister-in-law's partner's sister is a very distant link compared to a grandson!

I would be really upset on behalf of my son and probably say something unforgivable!

LongtimeinBrussels · 11/12/2010 23:13

I do hope your dh puts forward your point of view and doesn't get wishy-washy when faced with his family. My dh who is wonderful most of the time has unfortunately proven to be rather pathetic when trying to sort out some quite serious stuff with his family :(. I understand it's difficult but it is infuriating when he put the feelings of his parents and brother above those of his wife and children.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 12/12/2010 16:11

Hope it went ok and your DH backed you up today.

Original poster
puglet123 · 12/12/2010 16:37

Unfortunately couldn't speak to MIL today - DH is going to phone her tonight.
Luckily for me DH agrees it is out of order but sometimes he is a bit of a wuss with his family! We will see what happens, but one thing I have learnt is to invite them again - save anyone being dissapointed!!Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
puglet123 · 12/12/2010 16:38

Ooops I meant NOT to invite them again!!!!Xmas Grin

OP posts:
ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 12/12/2010 17:08

YANBU

Your dh's family are out of order.

Tell your dh he needs to grow a backbone and deal with them properly. I know if I was you and he didn't he'd lose a lot of my respect.

TryLikingClarity · 12/12/2010 20:00

Poor DS :(

Don't show him how upset and angry you are, he might be a bit young yet to understand fully.

My birthday is on Halloween and it's always a bit of a bummer as people always have other things planned, or more than one invite to try to attend to. I dare say your DS may end up similar to me. It's good in a way to have a birthday on a 'big' day, but at the same time, people often forget.

OP - YANBU.

zipzap · 12/12/2010 21:54

I would make your mil tell your ds that she is not going to bother to come to his party and the reason why - ring her up, say here's ds, tell him what you are doing about his birthday party and hand the phone over so she can tell him herself. Maybe priming ds to keep asking her 'but why, i don't understand?' several times after her explanations...

or if you have already told him, I would do same phone call but just getting him to ask 'why granny?' and see what she says...

Original poster
puglet123 · 12/12/2010 22:19

DH has spoken to MIL, and she said that because they thought it was 'just at a pizza place, they didn't think it would matter'!!

Annoyed she hasn't realised she is letting her grandson down!
She is so frustrating - all she was bothered about was arranging when I was planning on driving over to her house to collect all the various presents. She said that because my SIL works, she couldn't possibly drive over (MIL doesn't drive)! The fact that I work 3-4 days a week, do the books at home for our own company and have 2 DC aged 4 & 6 (SIL's child is now 19 and has moved out) seems to have escaped her attention! Xmas Angry

OP posts:
NotAnotherNewNappy · 12/12/2010 22:54

That's outrageous - how could she not think that letting her grandson down on his birthday wouldn't matter, whatever the venue?!

I don't really agree with all the posters that say you should never inivite MIL or SIL to anything ever again - that just looks petty and bound to lead even more break down in relations to me. Instead I would make sure both SIL and MIL know how you feel about this. Speak to them yourselves if necessary - it's not cancelling the reservation at the restaurant that matters, it's letting your DS down on his b'day.

YANBU BTW Xmas Grin

maryz · 12/12/2010 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryLikingClarity · 13/12/2010 07:39

Your MIL is a prize pig.

Letting her DGS down at his birthday :(

Not on, irrespective of whether he's having it at a pizza place or a top restaurant.

Also, he's 7 years old, where does she expect the party to be? 7 year olds love pizza!

ccpccp · 13/12/2010 07:51

YABU. Its New Years Eve!

You should re-book it so that they dont have to miss one of the highlight nights of the year to come along to a 7yo party.

Goblinchild · 13/12/2010 07:57

You are so right ccpccp, she should have opted for an elective seven years ago so that the birthday didn't clash with any other important events. Confused
OP, enjoy the party and celebrate a far more important event for your family than NYE.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 13/12/2010 08:37

ccpccp, the 7yr olds party is early in the evening so won't clash with any other party if you actually read the whole thread.
I would get DH to reiterate that it is important, to her DGS. Selfish woman. I'm Angry on your DS behalf.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 13/12/2010 09:32

Obviously to ccpccp NYE is more important than family.

OP YASNBU The venue is unimportant. It's the fact that you mil/sil are letting down their dgs/dn that is relevant.

Appletrees · 13/12/2010 09:39

Awful people. You must get your revenge. I suggest not buying them presents and spending the money on your son. I suggest never buyig them a present again, I suggest phoning them up and telling them that you think your mil is a shallow fool. To put a NYE party over your grandchild's birthday? A fool at forty is a fool indeed. Your mil is a silly foolish woman.

CrazyChristmasLady · 13/12/2010 09:43

YANBU.

There is plenty of time for them to attend both. How rude of them to cancel their plans with you because they have been invited to a party. Your poor DS, shows how important he is to them doesn't it, and they aren't even seeing you over Christmas makes it worse.

I wouldn't be inviting them to anything in future wrt your childrens birthdays if that is their attitude.

NotFromConcentrate · 13/12/2010 10:02

YANBU, OP.

Welcome to the world of NYE birthdays. I love my birthday being on Hogmanay(and I'm Scottsh, so we reallly 'do' New Year in a big way anyway) but arranging stuff is a nightmare. I'll be 30 21 this year, and my poor DH is trying to arrange a party around that time. I feel for him...

KaraStarbuckThrace · 13/12/2010 10:11

Puglet - how mean and selfish your MIL is, it is rude to cancel something because you got a better offer. I wouldn't invite them to anything else - clearly your MIL's son and his family is way down the list of priorities :(

ccpccp - you aren't the OP's MIL by any chance Hmm

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 13/12/2010 10:38

Lol at Kara ref ccpccp.

Original poster
puglet123 · 13/12/2010 12:20

ccpccp - if I hadn't have had a c-section on New Years Eve then my son would not be here - I certainly didn't chose to have him then - he was due 31st Jan!!!!
I organised this party (my MIL's only GS's party)at 6.30pm so they could all still go out afterwards and everyone said they could attend.
If she had have told me she couldn't make it in the beginning I wouldn't have a problem - my sister can't come - but the fact is she accepted and has now changed her mind for a better offer as well as SIL and it is that fact that she is putting a party which will probably be rubbish before he only GS. Angry

OP posts:
begonyabampot · 13/12/2010 12:31

jesus, they've cancelled on your Ds for the SIL's new partner's sisters party! Do they even know the host of the party or any of the other guests. How weird and horrible for your Ds.