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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hurt and want to shred this "friend"

22 replies

banana87 · 10/12/2010 19:13

I have known said "friend" for about 4-5 years now. We started off best of friends, the drifted apart, but more recently have been a bit closer. Anyway, we know a person called E, who I used to be friends with until she backstabbed me (another story) about 4 years ago. We don't speak, but have attended other mutual friends functions in the past and managed to avoid each other. Said friend is very close to E. Said friend got engaged over the summer and is getting married on Good Friday. Just found out through another mutual friend that I have not been invited to the hen. When I questioned said friend about it she said since E will be there, she wants to "keep the peace". Are we 12? E and I fell out years ago. I could care less about her. I have managed to ignore her in the past, why not now? AIBU?

OP posts:

MollieO · 10/12/2010 19:14

Hopefully you meant 'shed' rather than 'shred' [fbear]

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2010 19:15

Nope.

But she clearly feels she has to choose. Which since you don't care can only mean this 'E' still has a problem.

Since she's choosing her over you, it means she likes her more.

Fair enough. You just need to decide what, if anything, you want to do.

Tell her it's childish, cut ties, accept her choice, whatever.

mssoul · 10/12/2010 19:26

Horrible for you. I have two friends who don't get on and it really annoyed me when I used to be sociable and have parties! Now I don't bother as I'm too bloody knackered, but I got to a certain age and thought it was pathetic that two grown women couldn't make an effort for a friend.

Also, I bet your gutted she 'chose' the other friend. I'd chalk it up to experience and organise something nice for yourself that eve - dinner with friends/partner...?

RunawayChristmasTree · 10/12/2010 19:28

Drop her

activate · 10/12/2010 19:30

you can't avoid people you don't like at a hen party because it's a small intimate affair - it's not like a big function

I think if you don't talk - have history you could ruin the event just by creating an atmosphere of you both being there so don't see how the friend you want to shed had any choice in the matter

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/12/2010 19:48

It is her hen do. Is it really so unreasonable that she doesn't want to have two people at a small do not speaking to each other? Have you considered that your ignoring of E makes others around you uncomfortable?

anonymosity · 10/12/2010 20:06

I would contact her and offer to take her out for special lunch where you give her a special gift to celebrate her engagement as an alternative as you won't be going to her hen party. GUILT TRIP.

MorticiaAddams · 10/12/2010 22:48

Ignoring E might be a viable option for you but is likely to cause others at the hen party to feel uncomfortable, especially the hen.

Unfortunately she feels that she had to make a choice and you said yourself that she is very close to E.

The evening should be about her and if you are a good friend then you should respect and understand this.

amaterasu · 10/12/2010 22:56

Have you been invited to the wedding?

Original poster

banana87 · 10/12/2010 22:56

We seem to have been able to attend dinners, etc without an atmosphere. But whatever.

OP posts:

HalfTermHero · 10/12/2010 22:58

Agree that you should kick her to the kerb. She is not a friend if that is the way she conducts herself.

cumfy · 10/12/2010 22:59

Do you know why she has chosen E over you ?

Original poster

banana87 · 10/12/2010 23:06

No idea cumfy. She is not giving me many answers other than she wanted to "keep the peace". Which only leads me to think it was E who said something.

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 10/12/2010 23:10

You all sound about 12 tbh

chipmonkey · 10/12/2010 23:10

sorry but I cannot believe that you can go to something like a dinner party or a hen, ignore another person and not have it dampen the party atmosphere. Maybe it hasn't affected you in the past but has spoilt the atmosphere for others and people are now sick of it?

ontariomama · 11/12/2010 05:01

Just a thought, but perhaps, as it is a hen do, and there will likely be drinking, she was worried that civility might disappear as the night moves on?

onmyfeet · 11/12/2010 06:31

I am sorry, but it is obvious she prefers E over you. You don't want to impose yourself where you are not wanted. Maybe you thought you were still friends with "said friend", but it seems she was not feeling it.
Have dignity and simply don't bother with "said friend", save your friendship for those who know the meaning of the word.

PS Whatever you do, do not buy her a wedding present or send a card to a wedding you have been excluded from on purpose. (Not saying you would do this) It doesn't make you the bigger person, it would make you look pathetic.

cumfy · 11/12/2010 12:19

Do you know for dertain she accepts your version of events re E backstabbing you ?

If she does then dump her.

If not, perhaps E is still backstabbing you by persuading your friend of her version.

merrycompo · 11/12/2010 12:23

I feel sorry for her
she obviously feels stuck in the middle
if you cared about her you'd make it up with the friend you fell out with
life is too short for all that crap

Original poster

banana87 · 11/12/2010 12:33

It all happened 4 years ago cumfy. I no longer hold a grudge I just do not care for E and never will. We do not talk about what happened because it was so long ago. I suspect E is the one with the grudge because my friend who is organizing the hen told me said friend is trying to make everyone happy. I am just going to leave it, go out with real friends on the night of the hen and politely decline the wedding invitation (she told me she wants me to come to the evening portion of things). If she doesn't care to have me at the hen, then why should I attend the wedding? As someone else said, my energy is preserved for real friends.

OP posts:

anonymosity · 11/12/2010 20:57

Having read all this now, it sounds like you've made the best decision. I've been to one wedding where I was invited for the last bit and was stuck on a table in the corner with all the other raggle taggle, not quite not friends anymore folks. We all laughed heartily about it, but I've not gone to one of those situations since (there was an invitation for 2 more - not STACKS).

onmyfeet · 12/12/2010 11:08

I only realized now it was the hen you were excluded from, I thought it was the wedding.

I guess you should do what feels comfortable for you, you seem hurt, but the wedding is more important than the hen party really.

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