to not really enjoy spending time with my 6yr old dd?

[traceface]

I don't know if this should be in AIBU or parenting or mental health...or even just kept safely in my head...but I'm struggling with this.
My dd1 is bright and full of energy, she enjoys school and is popular - and headstrong! She loves the normal 6 year old stuff (dancing, rainbows), but also is very emotional and has a massively active imagination. She cries at the slightest thing and having friends round for tea usually ends in her crying because they won't play what she wants. She always wants to 'be' a cat or a dog or a dragon or a chipmonk, and I know this sounds so petty and like I'm a terrible mum, but I just want her to stop acting. She is being difficult about lots of things and seems to need to be nagged or have me raise my voice before she'll do as she's told, even with really mundane stuff like getting in the car when I ask her to, getting changed etc. I'm sure she's a normal 6 yr old, but I feel so bad that I can't be bothered with her at the moment and I look forward to when she's in bed. I really don't want to take her out to her clubs or even pick her up from school, but I think that's more the freezing weather, but I feel like I should want to be doing stuff with her. But I don't.
other info:
I have a dd2 who is almost 2 yrs and, although revealing her strong will too, quite chilled and very cute, and I enjoy spending time with her.
I had PND very badly with dd1 when she was born and again (but not so bad) with dd2. I'm still on Antidepressants and have been struggling more lately.
I do have my lovely moments with her and know she's a wonderful, sensitive, loving girl.
So, thanks for reading. Any advice gratefully received...

Interesting article. Little bit suspicious of her saying that most mothers don't talk about it or notice it. I always notice it and talk about it with people, as a few people on this thread have brought it up too.

What she doesn't cover in the article is the mothers who feel this - where are they born in their families? I would bet the large majority of mothers who find it hard to love their first children when the 2nd comes along, are second or third children themselves. I am a first child and I was SUPER careful about protecting ds1 from feeling like I loved the twins more, very scared that I would and not be able to hide it, but it never happened so didn't have to hide it! Probably because I had been through it (or thought I had been through it) myself. I was still a lot more impatient with him than I wanted to be (that fatigue in the first year is hideous), so he maybe felt like I loved him less, I don't know. But I still had all the feelings and loved snuggling in bed with him, precious times in those first few weeks!

Try watching Supernnany whenever you can ,you will get loads of tips and ideas,
i watched a programme this morning and the mother was having a terrible time coping and spending time with her daughter,she was acting like a little horror with temper tanrrums and was getting so out of control.
Supernaany Jo came up with the idea of a memory book which she gave to to little girl to write in with her mum about tings she had shared with her mum ,and they both talked about the things they were going to do to and wite it in the memory book.
just simlpe things like going for a walk in the park,going shopping and choosing a new dress, even cleaning her room ,ect.making it quality time for them
this gave the little girl something special to share with her mum and realise that her mum did love and care for her,and she could read it back anytime,
hope this helps

used to love Supernanny but it's so contrived and probably edited for maximum effect to show how bad the kids are and how Supernanny saves the day. Supernanny probably has a team of child phsycologists (sp?) telling her what to say and do - I don't trust it for a second.

thanks everyone.
It's reassuring that I'm not the only one struggling with this. Some helpful tips too. thanks.

i second the 1,2,3 magic parenting strategy.

We had awful problems with ds1 - exactly as you describe (but without the animal thing). School was also struggling with him - so much that we got him assessed for ADHD and Asperghers. This is an on going process at the moment, but now we have found a parenting method that "works" for our son his behaviour is fantastic.

I am even considering putting a stop to his diagnosis as things are that improved.

If you want any help with this or further info - do ask

i am sure the shows are edited but some of her ideas have worked for our family but any help and tips can only make family time worthwhile,one thing i learned is that sometimes it is the adults who need to change as well,

common sense is the best way.:)

My DD1 is 7 and at the moment is v fragile, cries over slightest thing. I spend all my time trying to work out why, maybe just cos it's how she feels right now. Same with my reaction, am usually v patient, at moment being right cow, cos am exhausted.DD2 justs floats thru oblivious...I think.
Not trying to add to mix, but could house of females be making difference? (DH is here, but really seems to be emotionally disconnected in a way I don't manage)
Not really sure what am trying to say, maybe just that we all think we are doing it wrong (but probably doing ok really)
God I hope so anyway

its good you have realised this is going on, and i think that article is great. i have a 3 mo nth year old and a 2,5 year and i certainally have seen some of this in myself, and i hate it

please do what you can to have some unrushed-1 time with your elder girl, god knows we are all busy but make this a higher priority than xmas shopping/cleaning etc!

i tghink when you are hassled and stressed its worse, i have heard myself SCREAM at my 2 year old and i feel mortified and ashamed afterwards

good luck, dont beat yourself up, but DO adress this asap, however you can

IAPJJLPJ what is the 123 magic? I thought you meant counting to 3 to give them chance to respond, then a consequence for reaching 3 - but is it more than that?
porc thanks for reminding me about priorities. I try to have a special time with her between dd2's bedtime and hers, but I think recently I've put less effort into that and preferred to get tea cleared up, so I need to readdress that. Thanks.
A friend came round today and we were talking about when dd1 was little - and how she was so scrummy I could have eaten her - and how I used to upset myself with thoughts of losing her - and it struck me that I don't really see dd1 as being the same person now as she was then, as though I don't love her in the same way. It's a horrible thing to realise, but I guess our relationships will change as the dds age.

It is more than just counting.

In brief:

It is recognised that children switch off when we talk/tell off/ shout at them and this method stops us "over talking/explaining/reasoning" with them.

It incorporates rewards for good behaviour and sanctions for unco-operative behaviour.

The underlying rule is to have START behaviours and STOP behaviours. These are things that you want your child to either START to do or STOP doing.

There should only be about 3 behaviours on each list that you want to work on, and once these have been conqured you can do new ones.

If your child does a START behaviour within a specific time eg Polly will start to get dressed within one minute of being asked. She will then get a reward. This reward is what ever you decide. For us it is plastic tokens that are saved up and when our son has saved a set amount he is allowed a (small) new toy.

A STOP behaviour is what you want your child to stop doing. eg Polly will stop answering back when she has been told "no". It is with the STOP behaviour that you count. If she is answering back then all you say is "Thats one". Wait a few seconds to see if she stops if not "Thats two". Again wait ... and then "Thats three". A sanction then happens. Ours was to lose TV before bed, or story etc.

"Polly" does not need to be given an explanation as to what she is doing wrong as she is fully aware of what her START and STOP behaviours are.

1,2,3 magic does go deeper than that but when it is first implemented it is advised to start of at a basic level, just till you all get to grips with it.

We have been doing it a year now and we don't have START and STOPS any more (that is how well he has responded to it!!) and I will just count him and he knows immediately to stop what ever it is he is doing. I also reward with the tokens more freely as he is quite reward driven (he just has to collect more and more tokens to get toys now)

thanks. I like the start/ stop idea. I might give that a go for some of our familiar battle grounds!

What we were advised to do was to try and "double" them up eg

our son would use his hands instead of cutlery so his START behaviour was to use knife/fork/spoon at all meals. For each minute they are used a token would be given

STOP behaviour was: To STOP using hands when cutlery is provided. A count of 1, 2, 3 would be used.

our original START behaviours were:

Get dressed before the timer runs out (Digital timer that we could manipulate this turned into a bit of fun as he would race to win. Which of course he did win - as this built up enthusiasm for this and then we slowly reduced the timer time down. Never told him that though so he never realised that he was getting quicker)

Put shoes and coat on before timer runs out.

Use knife, fork, spoon when eating meals

One token will be given each time (although we did give more for the meals)

STOP BEHAVIOURS

(stop) Talking back to an adult when the answer is "no"

(stop) using hands when there is a fork, knife, spoon to be used.

"stop) making noise when asked to stop

The count of 1, 2, 3 will be used for you to give you the chance to STOP doing these things

Haven't finished reading the whole thread, but just want to second that Playful Parenting is one of the best books I have read, helped me a lot with all sorts of problems.

I have dd1 at 6, and dd2 nearly 2, so we have similar gaps I love the age gap, it means you can really seperate out the two individuals, and concentrate on their indepenent needs.

However, I wonder if there is a development surge that takes place around now? Somewhere from 5 to 7. DD1 has changed in so many ways, even her shape. She is all legs, and skinny waist. Comfy trousers and a long sleeve top don't suit her anymore, she looks like I'm dressing her like a baby.
To go along with that, she has moods. SHe swished her hair and flounced upstairs the other day! I have to say everything at least twice, and if I send her to brush her teeth I usually find her sat on the stairs. She will have been distracted by...oh, the colour of the paint on the walls, and forgotten about the teeth. This on a school run morning. Argh!!
So I think it is ok to say it outloud. 6 year old girls can be annoying. That's ok. Doens't make them horrible people or make us horrible mums.

I fnd spending one on one time with her helps, we went to the theatre and laughed together. Then she wound me up by mentioning how much better it would have been if the cafe had been open . So...deep breath and ignore negativity, and focus on positive [fun time hunting for a nice cafe to have girlie lunch together].

It's tough though, you have to carve out a new relationship with this changing bag of hormones, whilst jiggling the impact of the sibling, whilst doing the exact same with that sibling!

I hear ya!

Another recommendation for Playful Parenting here - makes a lot of sense.

There's a lot of stuff here that sounds like my 6yo DD - not listening (her hearing is under review, but I'm about 90% sure it's not listening rather than not hearing), having to be told over and over again to do something, being emotionally fragile, having to be in control ... the interesting thing is that so many of you are talking about these behaviours in the context of the arrival of a sibling, whereas I end up wondering 'is it because she's an only child?' I guess not then!

I think the thing with 6 is you've got a child who's getting quite big, growing into an older child's face, especially if you have a younger child to contrast them with, but they still have a young child's impetuosity, lack of control. Perhaps that's why they seem to teenage sometimes, because teenagers can suffer from lack of control too?

I'm 99.9% sure my dd's changes aren't particulary linked to the arrival of dd2. So hearing that is really good DontCallMeBaby

I think we are all begining to see a sort of pre-teen early preperation stage. Good grief!

I hope you are feeling a little better traceface, or at least not so alone with your worries. Lot's of us are in the same boat.

Also, as cute as our toddlers are, they are utterly knackering. Don't underestimate how tred you are, and take care to rest rest rest where ever possible. I find school runs with the two of them totally exhausting, and I have no help in the mornings. I've had to learn to be mega organised and run the morning house like a boot camp. Otherwise I decend into screaming, guilt inducing, bitch mamma from hell.

Have you got some routines going on? DD1 knows that dd2 goes in the car first, then she is in charge of putting her book bag on the passenger seat. She loves the important job of opening and closing the car door, and it keeps her focused and 'onside'. I find little things like that really help.

Lots
tired
descend
....oh you get the idea!

Do you have other children? Sounds like she is trying to get the attention you are not giving her.

Something is amiss, kids don't act up for no reason. Something is missing.

yes classy I have a dd2 who turned 2 at the weekend. It's in my OP. My worry was not that she's 'acting up' particularly, but that I'm not really enjoying the time I spend with her. She gets lots of attention from me actually but I think she can maybe sense my struggles at the moment.
Christmastree yes we have a pretty rigid routine in the morning with me getting the 2 of them sorted, dd2 going out to nursery when dh goes to work, then dd1 and I going out together to school, then me on to work. And yes she does seem teenage too! Phrase of the moment from her is "fine then"!, with a scowl and a stomp! It is reassuring to hear of others with similar worries.