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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not buy in-laws presents?

36 replies

FullaDoll · 07/12/2010 17:14

OK, so a bit of background? DH and I have been married for a few years and have a child. His parents have always been a bit lukewarm towards me and have done a couple of mean things over the years, eg threatening not to come to our wedding as they 'couldn't afford the fare' (which is rubbish), but on the whole they are OK. His sister, on the other hand, was very open about her hatred of me from day 1 and has made our lives a misery throughout our whole relationship. She has done some pretty despicable things in an effort to split us up. We expected things to change after we got married and had a child, unfortunately they haven't. However, they are DH's family, so in spite of their behaviour towards me, I always make the effort.

When it is one of their birthdays or Christmas, or Fathers/Mothers Day, I always buy really nice, thoughtful, expensive presents and if they are around, we will take them out to dinner. We also generally send flowers and we always, always call. I usually get something in return, nothing flash, usual tat (sorry!) but I don't mind. It's the thought that counts.

Anyway, we are currently doing IVF and had some unexpected charges related to my treatment. As we were a bit short, we asked DH's parents to lend us some money to cover the shortfall. They are loaded, so it wasn't really a problem, and they transferred the money from their current account to us the same day. We made arrangements to pay it back over the next few months.

Anyway, a couple of weeks after they loaned us the money, it was my birthday. They didn't send a present or card, or call, they just sent a very cold 1-line email. To say I was hurt is an understatement. It's not that I need a present, I can buy my own stuff, I just felt very hurt that they had snubbed me on my birthday. My DH asked the MIL about it, and she said that the FIL was not happy about lending us the money, and that is why they didn't send me a card or a present for my birthday. DH asked the MIL why she didn't just call anyway to wish me happy birthday, and she said that the FIL was around all day so she couldn't. I find it odd that they loaned us the money if they didn't want to. It certainly didn't seem to be a problem when we asked them.

So here we are, coming up to Christmas. Due to his parents snubbing me on my birthday and his evil, messed-up sister just being, well, evil and messed-up, I have told DH that I am not going to bother with them this year. No nice, expensive presents, no dinner in a nice restaurant, nothing.

The thing is, AIBU???

Your thoughts please. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

FullaDoll · 08/12/2010 06:54

Thanks girls. I will leave all the present buying to DH as you suggested.

About the wedding... they live in another country from us, but had come to stay with us as there was an antiques fare in our town (they collect antiques). It was then that they said they 'couldn't afford' to come back for the wedding. However, they then came over another couple of times the same year.

We had to hold the wedding in their country, which meant that none of my family and friends were there. My parents are both on benefits and definitely couldn't afford the trip. Neither could any of my friends. So I basically got married in the company of strangers.

As for the SIL, what on earth do I do about her? Any ideas, LOL?!?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 08/12/2010 09:16

I think the best thing you can do with your SIL is not see her. She isn't your childs grandparent, so if she can't be civil then you have no moral obligation to have her in your life at all.

I know with my mums SIL that she was jealous of my mum. As the younger sister, she had been used to being the focus of attention within her family and couldn't cope with my dads priorities then being elsewhere. My mum tried for years to build a relationship, but my aunt has just continued to be nasty. My mum will now no longer have any contact (and my dad will only speak to her about my gran). It's sad that things are this way, but you can't make people be nice if they really don't want to.

I'm sorry about your wedding. The more I read, the more it seems that all the effort has been made by you. I honestly think it's time to stop. Your DH has to stand up for you. That would be non negotiable for me. I think you would be happier without them in your life tbh.

BonniePrinceBilly · 08/12/2010 09:24

I'm with you, YANBU, but WTF about the wedding? Why on earth would you agree to get married in their country without your friends or your poor parents? Are you mad?

Original poster

FullaDoll · 08/12/2010 09:30

Karmabeliever: thanks for sharing that about your mum. That makes me think that my SIL will never like me, so what's the point in me even trying?

BonniePrinceBilly: Yeah, I think I must be mad! I do regret it, though. We had a few drinks in the local pub with my family when we got back, but it's just not the same. I'm an only child too, and felt really bad for my mum :-(

OP posts:

welshbyrd · 08/12/2010 10:03

I would consider sending small gifts to M &D IL,if FIL is controlling etc, then he must have given in to lend the money to you both, just a gesture of appreciation, but certainly wouldnt buy anything for the dreadful sister

welshbyrd · 08/12/2010 10:11

Just read OP new post, regarding wedding.

Terrible, I think had you not borrowed the money from them, you wouldnt have felt so aufwl about not buying gifts etc, however, money has been given, and its not an excuse for their behaviour, pay them the money back as soon as you can, then leave them have relationship with DH and DC, you however, just have a great relationship with your family x

Silver1 · 08/12/2010 10:22

YABABU

My tuppence is- don't ask for money from people you don't like it will give you one more reason not to like them.
That said as a previous poster said- they shouldn't have loaned it if they didn't want to. Loan it graciously or not at all.

I suspect you may have the same expectations for his family that you have grown up with and have of your own-and that will always be a problem, every family has a different way, and it just causes hurt and frustration to expect them all to be the same.

Original poster

FullaDoll · 08/12/2010 11:36

Silver1, do you mean I am being a bit unreasonable to expect a card and/or a present on my birthday, because they loaned us money?

OP posts:

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 08/12/2010 13:59

FullaDoll, you poor love. What beastly people.

Do whatever it takes to pay them off, then you can say you are finished with them.

it'll give you great satisfaction to slap the last payment in their toxic little hands.

then you can exit stage left and not bother with them at all.

MAKE them gifts, make cookies, ice them and put them in a lovely box, do this for their entire family and say you have debts to pay off that you don't want hanging over you.

Quenelle · 08/12/2010 14:07

So sorry the IVF didn't work.

YANBU but I think you should let your husband worry about what/whether to buy for them. They're his family. He should decide if he's prepared to risk a rift developing over this. Whatever happens it won't be your fault, you've behaved perfectly well towards them.

Quenelle · 08/12/2010 14:10

Oh, and what to do about the SIL? Tell her to poke it. Sounds like that's just what you'd like to do

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