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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think about leaving my husband?

25 replies

welshbyrd · 06/12/2010 14:42

I do not know where to start, met husband 3 years ago, he is an brilliant guy, fab dad etc.

We had a baby 18 months ago, until then, we couldnt even walk past each other without cwtching, rubbing hands, etc. Then baby arrived, hmm, she has been hard work since day 1, perfect in every way, but has never been a great sleeper, not to great in car, in fact we have not really been able to much since her birth, through tiredness, or her waiting constant attention,(am aware babies need etc, I have 2 other DC, who were no where near as much work as baby) to be honest we struggled for the first few weeks, we are used to it now though.

Me and husband relationship, become nothing, after DD was born, no cwtching, hugs, nothing it all stopped,I assume we were to tired.

In january this year we decided to get married, we had had a fab few days, and its what we both wanted, however, relationship, cwtching, sex, even a quick peck, hadnt returned after babys birth. Think we both got so caught up with plans, our actual relationship took a back seat, we married August 27th this year, however, throughout months of planning, I had maybe 6-7 times, tried to discuss the lack of affection, and questioned whether we should stop the plans.
DH isnt a sit down chat type, basically I talk, her DOES listen, but never replies, or gives an imput to disscusion, so I always end up coming back downstairs, with my tail between legs.

Since wedding, we have had sex once, a few days after wedding, think that was last time we kissed too, or had any bodily contact, I feel so sad it has come to this, because, other than this, my husband is perfect in every other way, he really is.

I could chat to him again, and get no feedback from him, I find thats upsetting me more,because I feel no better off having spoken to him. Im really sad, tears flowing here, . As perfect as he is, I can not live in a loveless marriage anymore

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 06/12/2010 14:48

I think you'd be throwing the towel in rather prematurely to leave him now.

With all due respect, three years is not a long time in a relationship that is supposed to last a lifetime. You've not been together that long in the grand scheme of things and most of it has been taken up by becoming parents for the first time. It's no wonder you're in a sticky patch. You've barely had time to get to know each other "properly" before you've had this massive thing thrown at you.

I am assuming that you want this to work. What I would do is let DH know that you want a serious talk, just the two of you. Get a sitter and go out and sit together. Tell him what you've just told us. Tell him that the no input is wearing you down and that you feel at the end of you wick. Think about relationship counselling.

I've been where you are,not that long ago. Sometimes you have to sink deep before you hit the surface again. Now, honestly, my marriage is better than ever. It took us almost getting to breaking point for it to improve. You've got to try though.

mumblechum · 06/12/2010 14:51

I agree that you really need to have some time alone without the baby being around. Could you get your parents to have her overnight soyou could go to a nice hotel?

If not, you really need to book a babysitter once a week or so so that you can get your connection back.

Suncottage · 06/12/2010 14:53

Give it time - three children leave little time to swing from the chandeliers with a rose between your teeth.

Just one question, was your DP at the birth? If so was it a difficult birth?

Original poster

welshbyrd · 06/12/2010 16:02

I so want to work this out,Ive tried talking to him regarding this, numerous times at beginning of the year, the only real reply I get from him, has been, your always so eager to split[I suggested in those months before wedding to split, didnt feel we could get through it, without, him giving some imput, relationships need 2 people to try for it to work] it isnt my only answer to it all, i do not want to split, but the frustration of me pleading with him to help me to help the situation, but if he aint helping then feel, no point me trying.

Yes suncottage, he was there at the birth, it was not a complicated birth, however, i was induced, and once contractions come, it took 31 mins for baby to arrive, M/Ws was worried i could go into shock, but else everything went fine

OP posts:

Suncottage · 06/12/2010 16:23

Could it be he looked at you as 'mother' after seeing the birth and not 'lover'.

I never know whether this thoery is true or not and I hope someone more enlightened comes along to help.

I agree the lack of communication is not helping you.

Can you not get a babysitter even for a few hours to get out for a meal or just a walk in the park>

MumNWLondon · 06/12/2010 16:29

I think you need to get some RL counselling. Would be a shame to split up...

Agree with the other posters - get a babysitter go out and talk and get him to commit to some counselling. Even better go away for weekend.

The point about the birth was I think that some men get totally turned off after seeing their baby coming out.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 06/12/2010 16:29

Suncottage- I have 2 other DC, besides baby, so he met me as mum.

Think maybe a walk could be arranged, going to leave it a few days, dont want to say things Ill regret, im not aggressive or shouty, just feel so hurt at mo, could end up making wrong decisions

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 06/12/2010 16:33

"The point about the birth was I think that some men get totally turned off after seeing their baby coming out."

This is why I made DH stay away from the "business end"

lilyliz · 06/12/2010 16:37

try to get a baby sitter even for a couple of hours and have a date with your DH,very hard to keep up the romance and passion with DC under your feet

santasbluebaubles · 06/12/2010 16:38

You describe it as a loveless marriage.......do you mean you no longer love him? Or you think he no longer loves you?

Original poster

welshbyrd · 06/12/2010 16:49

No I love him, and yes I think he loves me.

My point was, I love my mum, love my kids, its almost like we are friends, not man and wife, I dont want to be likethat though, also we never argue, dont disagree, infact we get on well, except for this.

OP posts:

surfandturf · 06/12/2010 17:20

If you still love each other - stick at it. Definately try and get some 'couple time' whenever you can and try to keep communicating. (My Dh is just the same - he just listens to me but never gives any input)

We were just the same as you when DC's were young and it's just starting to get back to how it used to be . (It's taken 4 years - sorry!) Hope it doesn't take that long for you!
Good luck.

santasbluebaubles · 06/12/2010 17:25

It's a really good start that you both love each other

What you need is some alone time to attempt to reestablish the physical contact (and i don't just mean sex......holding hands is a good place to start!)

Me and my are in pretty much the same situation at the moment. We barely get a moment alone together and when we do we are so tired etc that we just end up staring at the TV. I just tell myself that it will get easier one the DC are a bit older.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 06/12/2010 18:08

Before baby was born, DH would kiss my head before he left for work, even when I was sleeping, kiss me if he was going somewhere even if it was the shop[30 second walk], and kiss me as soon as he come in, from where ever he had been,even if we are both worn down by parenthood, still does not explain, the complete lack of affection

OP posts:

trixie123 · 06/12/2010 18:38

absolutely don't leave a man you love who is the father of your children over the issue of sex. No matter how hot the next man is and how passionate it might seem it will eventually calm down and be very similar and then you will be in the same situation but with a divorce and a split family in the mix. This can be fixed in the ways suggested above and even if it can't, is living with your best friend really a fate worse than death?, especially when it means the kids get a stable and loving family?

happycamel · 06/12/2010 18:46

Relationships to settle down with time, it's not all Mills and Boon :)

You said "the only real reply I get from him, has been, your always so eager to split".

Maybe that is causing a problem a bit, it's hard for him to be open and vulnerable and show he's attracted to you whilst he's also wondering if you are heading for the door.

I had a bit of a problem with DH in this regard, not no sex, but he didn't initiate. I said "We're going to be together for the rest of our lives. Do you want no sex for the rest of your life? I'd rather we made time for it, I think it's an important part of our relationship".

He agreed. Realised that you can either have a positive or a negative reinforcing cycle of contact. Now we have an agreement that we never go a week without sex. I'm 22 wks pg now and even when I had sickness I made sure we did it. Gradually he's starting to initiate, still usually me but he's learned I'll never say "no" and that has helped his confidence no end.

Don't know if my rambling helps. Just wanted to say you aren't alone and that threatening to leave will make it worse not better - he doesn't want to rape you.

sarahscot · 06/12/2010 18:59

What's cwtching?

And agre, give it time and work at it. Sounds like a great marraige in all other respects.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 06/12/2010 19:40

sorry sarahscot - cwtching is welsh term for hugging/cuddling

OP posts:

thatwasthen · 06/12/2010 19:45

sarahscot cwtching is welsh for cuddles/hugs, lovely term. I agree Welshbyrd, don't give up on things now-give it time and talking and build up to the sex part. After the high of the wedding everything will seem a bit flat for a while, and the first year of a baby's life is hard for a couple. You may feel a bit different in a few months and if all is well in every other way then try and give it a go.

thatwasthen · 06/12/2010 19:45

oops x-post!

sarahscot · 07/12/2010 17:45

Thanks.

iamnotreallysure · 07/12/2010 18:20

welshbyrd. Don't forget this is his 1st born (at least with you), playing dad to the children you already had when you met - may be different for him than coping with his own child. It is difficult when he does not communicate and I totally understand how rejected and unloved you are feeling.
He may be scared, overwhelmed, impotent or depressed and opening up especially when he thinks you are ready to bail may be beyond him.
Is there anything from the break-up of your previous relationship (that he knows about) that he could be worried is repeating.

Try to get help - if he has been that good before and is so good in so many other ways it must be worth it.

Niceguy2 · 07/12/2010 19:06

This is easier said than done but can you try to back off a bit?

Sometimes you can over analyse a problem and can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Try to just let it drop but initiate the affection and see if over time he returns it.

See if he pulls away or makes an excuse to avoid contact. If he is doing then something deeper is there IMO.

It's early days yet and I think the whole suggesting the split thing hasn't done you any favours. But what's done is done.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 08/12/2010 07:34

nice guy, I really didnt know what to do, when I suggested splitting, we had a wedding in a few weeks,I would never marry someone unless it is for life, etc[old fashioned maybe]
His lack of communication left me feeling backed into a corner. I almost panicked, at the thought of going through with wedding and living the rest of our lives in the situation we are in.

I agree, before wedding I was over analysing things.I didnt want my marriage to end in divorce. So was trying to fix the problem before taking our vows.

iamnotreallysure- no problems with ex partner, have remained friends for my previous children sake, even DH has a good relationship with him, not best of friends etc, but they will happily talk if seen in street, town, or if ex is picking up DC for contact each weekend. He has a 13 year old DD from previous relationship, he was with her mum for 10 years, think they split when DD was 7.

Thanks everyone for advice, think I am going to leave it a few weeks, get over christmas, and see what becomes in the new year

OP posts:

iamnotreallysure · 08/12/2010 08:24

A good plan. Hope it works out.

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