I Feel Really Guilty, Am I?

[Emjxxx]

Right DD 13 is a big handful, have posted about her behaviour on parenting!

Well over the summer holidays she got into alot of trouble, stealing, going missing being the main problems.

The stealing was a phone from one of her friends, her friend got into trouble for "losing" her phone. Then when DD went missing and we were searching her room for any clues of where she could be we found 3 phones in here room, none of them hers (she had hers taken off her a while ago because she was giving her number out to strangers on FB!) Anyway we find out that the phones belong to friends. One of the phones she used and rang up a £276 bill. Luckily the friends phone was a contract phone on her parents business and they had a very good tariff and it meant that once they had all their discount and free minutes etc the bill actually came down to £70. We paid this to the parents obviously.

Well we gave DD a change to repay this money by doing house hold chores, which she hasn't done and point blank refuses to do. So me and DP have decided and have told DD that we will be taking the money off of her Christmas allowance, which means she will only be getting £50 from us for her Christmas present. We aren't going to buy her anything we are just going to give her the money in a card.

I feel soooooo bad about this though, AIBU to do this? should we be getting her the Ipod nano that she wants or should we stick to our guns?

thefirstMrsDeVere - "I was wronger than the wrongest person in wrongland" . . . that made me laugh!

The fact that you're thinking of caving should be an indication as to why she is now the way she is!

thefirstMrsDeVere - I myself would have said the exact same thing a few years ago "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" type of attitude, my DD went from being a well behaved, polite, articulate, a pleasure to be around, into something that I can't even describe!

My DD also has similar issues to your DS. It is completely heartbreaking to see her so unhappy and no matter what we do, we just don't seem to be able to help, it is soul destroying and hurtful for all involved.

I too have had many chats with friends and even complete strangers who all seem to be having the same/similar difficulties.

BUT as previously stated and so are you right, have got to keep strong boundaries and stay firm. We sometimes find it hard to distinguish though between the "crys for help" and the "normal teenage attitude"

It's just very hard when you blame yourself for your DD being so unhappy :(

"I was wronger than the wrongest person in wrongland" . . . that made me laugh!

Made me laugh too

Another vote for stick to your guns otherwise she will just learn that she can get away with it and still get what she wants.

It must be very hard dealing with her behaviour right now.

My two sons are only 7 and 4, but I just constantly say the phrase "I get what I want, and you get what you want" (within reason)

So for us, I need to get a bit of shopping, stress free , they want a cookie. If I get the shopping without stress, they get the cookie. If they mess around, they cry all the way back to car, cookieless

You want paying back for the phone bill, she wants the iPod, you aren't getting what you want, she doesn't get what she wants (and doesn't really deserve)

How does she sound spoilt? I always spent £300 each on mine because they never got anything from anybody else.

Even this year when things are tight the eldest of 22 has 70 and the youngest of 17 has had so far 165.

I still feel guilty it isn't enough. No one else buys for them.

Wow, that's a lot of cash, classy.

£100 tops each for mine, regardless of how flush we are.

Dcs get a few small pressies from others but no way would add up to £300.

Stick to your guns, boundaries are important etc etc though I am a bit at 'only' £50 for a 13 year old, that seems a lot to me!

This is very serious and has to be dealt with seriously. Se stole from her friends and then stole again by running up a phone bill and you are actually considering letting her away with it? Get your head out the sand get your priorities straight!

Classy; The fact that the parent is posting this thread on mumsnet at all makes me think that there is an amount of spoiling going on here. The DC has shown very little respect to anyone or anything, yet OP is finding this simple punishment of denial difficult and exposes her as a bit of a push over I'm afraid.

What are things like when the child actually behaves themselves in this household?

FWIW I reckon the money in the envelope idea is a good one, even though it is still a bit too much in my view considering the 'crime'. Considering the Nano on top of this is beyond sane.

The fact that she is stealing from friends is very worrying and could potentially become more sinister if she does not have counselling. Most teenagers rebel against their parents but would die for their friends as they are the only people they feel connected too. She is sabotaging her happiness and if you don't listen, by giving her gifts, then she will do something far more extreme in oreder to be heard.

But she isn't only getting £50.

She is getting £50 PLUS the £70 you paid off the stolen phone because she is not bothering to pay you back in kind for it.

If they hadn't been lucky or generous enough to reduce the cost she would have got the full £270 PLUS her £50 xmas pressie.

How much will you let her steal before you didn't give her anything?

What lessons has she learnt from this?

Do you know anything about the counselling? I ask because this kind of thing is of variable quality in schools and if it were my dd I know I'd want a qualified psychotherapist rather than a counsellor. :)

A very very good book might be How to Talk so teenagers will Listen and Listen so Teenagers will Talk.

And YANBU but don't make the gift any less meant and loving because of the circumstances.

I wouldn't give her cash for Christmas but buy her a few things she needs (unexciting things like payamas etc). Mostly because cash is something that she should be paying back to you!

Also don't give in! I don't know what your daughter has been through but more worrying then the stealing is the refusal to work to pay back what she owes you. Don't give up on that! Keep trying to get her to do what you ask by working to pay the debt back. Don't write off the debt she owes you or she will never take you seriously.

Can I ask what happened to her?

Unrulysun The counselling via school is a bit "Meh" but it does give her someone to talk to and to get her feelings out. The other counselling that will start in the New Year is not school related although has been organised with help from the school (who have been fantastic with my DD) and is run by fully qualified counsellors and thank you for the book suggestion I will look this up. Also the gift will be given with much love. she is my beautiful intelligent DD and I love her with all my heart and soul. (I just don't like her very much sometimes)

ThoseArtisticTypes Are you my mum? Although somewhat harsh and cutting I do accept a lot of what you say. I have well and truly got my head out of the sand (now) but it did take a while, if it was still buried she wouldn't be in counselling and neither would I. Yes I have been/am somewhat a pushover, but I am getting stronger (this is very hard to do though when you are so wrapped in guilt for feeling like your DDs problems are all because of you). You are sooooo very right about her friends, I couldn't believe she did that to them and I think she has realised that she is a very lucky girl to have such good friends that would forgive and forget and standby her. That was, still is, a very big worry to me, if she can do it to her mates then what's to stop her doing it to ANYONE? I truly am hoping that the counselling will work for both of us. Thank you for your very, eeerrmmm, my own mother like response to the situation!!

:)

I can picture you in a few years sitting with add and laughing about this,honestly,my DS was an awful teen but is sooooo respectable now I sometimes think I muist be in a pararrel universe so be tough and hang in there(spelling not my strong point obviously):o

Emjxxx,

I must semi apologise because although I do stand by what I say I thought you were classy and I started reading her replies which sounded head in the sand!

What you must be prepared for though is that Christmas day may not be very good. She could go in a strop and ruin it for everyone if she doesn't get "good" gifts. Your job is to not care about this one day in the year, do not react, she will look silly but she will learn that you are no longer facilitating that small side of her that is a nightmare.

Right, I'm off to cut my son's budget in half as he is a wee shit!

"Right, I'm off to cut my son's budget in half as he is a wee shit!" - very funny!