to be irritated by my in-laws approach

[herbgarden]

DH and I both work - I do a part time (but professional career part time so not that easy for me to work "fixed" hours). DH works the full week. On my days not in the office I do pretty much everything else....
On my days when I work - DH drops DS at the childminder (DS then goes to school) - I take DD to nursery. I then pick everyone up and take them home, do tea, bath and bed. DH rarely gets home before 7.30. I then cook our dinner. As DH's career has got further up the ladder this seems to be the place we've got to. DH does try to get home early one day and then works in the evenings but otherwise even things like illness leave me trying to grapple childcare and work together from home.

On the odd day, the grandparents look after the kids. My in-laws e-mailed me over the weekend to say that when they look after the kids on thursday they'd have to leave by a certain time meaning yet again I'd have to leave work by a certain time (not DH) . Usually when they are there, which will be a day I work, I leave out the lunch, kids lunch and tea and get something arranged for dinner which I cook - DH doesn't give it a second thought.

It really really riled me that they chose to e-mail me only - not DH and that they are expecting me to get home from work to relieve them. This isn't about them and the childcare - they love to do it and I'm very very grateful for what they do and they are fantastic with our kids - it's about their attitude of DH's job isn't to deal with childcare, it's yours so we'll contact you.

For whatever reason I was livid about it and did go over the top in my reaction (to DH) . All DH could say was " oh well I think I've got a day off that day so it doesn't matter"....IT DOES !!!....

What's your view on my situation - Unreasonable reaction and pull yourself together ? Maybe I'm mad with DH more than anything ? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

DH and I often get to this point of me feeling undervalued and the world revolving around his job. I really don't want to give up but I think I'm getting a bee in my bonnet about it all.....

Sorry I keep returning, one other thing troubles me, your DH is not pulling his weight if he knows in advance he has a day off and hasn't communicated with his parents or yourself to advise that he is available to look after the DCs. This is definitely not fair if you are scrabbling around trying to make up hours at work and he is hording his holidays for himself.

Herbgarden - hope your chat with your DH goes well tonight and you feel better after it. I bet he does appreciate all you do - he just doesnt say so! And hopefully him having that day off means he can relieve the grandparents, you can work abit later and then take yourself off for a pampering treatment (haircut, massage, whatever you fancy) or meeting up with friends - whatever you would prefer for some you time - as your treat to yourself.

In September next year DD can start pre-school and I am then determined to use those few hours to perhaps go to the gym or just do all those jobs zooming around in the car and getting out without getting the buggy out and making sure DD is warm enough just to do one errand...I had a day off the other day and I was so damned efficient !!!...Makes you realise doesn't it.

The upside of my life at the moment is that I've met some lovely mums at DS's school who don't live far away (local primary so small catchment) and they seem to be quite sociable. I've had a few evenings out which just lift the spirits a lot.

My DH isn't an unkind man at all - he just gets so wrapped up in himself and his work he can't see what's going on and when I try to approach him he just feels like I'm having a go at him rather than just asking to be recognised and valued as you say.

OP YANBU however it really is one of those things you will be far better over rising above and just put down to one of those things..

OP It's amazing how much difference having a few hours to yourself can make. Hope your chat this evening goes well.

I agree with others that the issue isn't really the Ils but the power (im)balance between you and DP.

Maybe you should have a discussion about what would happen if one of you died. He might realise then that he is more dependent on you than you are on him.

Personally I wouldn't be making 2 dinners at night after work. If he doesn't get home in time to eat with you and the DCs then he can heat his own plate up later.

Also the DCs do not need a bath every night. Stop creating unecessary work for yourself.

And if he isn't already, make sure your DP is doing his own washing/ironing. You are not his slave.

I do DH's washing on my "days off" but I dump it in a separate basket as I was fed up with him never putting away any washing let alone hiw own - I wasn't doing it for him. It now invariably stays in that basket in the garage for weeks and he uses it as his extra drawer space. If he dumps it in the room unput away I simply put it back down in the garage (he is usually already warned )....When not working I cook one dinner at lunchtime which the dc's eat at 5 and then I eat with or without him later. On my work days, DD has already eaten at nursery - DS has something quick or heated up..

Stop!

He's a lazy arsehole.

How did you split the chorse before the DCs came along? He should be doing more than that now, not less.

I often used to go on strike.....then he'd say "oh this place is a tip" - no ! Funny that.....we had a cleaner and he threw a strop once when I sacked her as she was rubbish (but funnily enough I found the next one)- He had a clever knack of arriving home 30mins after I did although I worked an hour and a bit from home and he worked a 20 min walk away - I realised why after a while and started not telling him what train I was getting..... I don't do any ironing for him (I don't do much for myself) but I do do a lot of other stuff round the house. He'll trip over stuff on the stairs and still not take it up and although the recycle bin is right by the back door he still thinks the recycle fairy exist

I agree with you herby, not with the in laws attitude but the fact that me, like you take on the Lions share of the work.

It fucking riles me no end.
In fact we have had the worst week we have ever had in our 17 year relationship this week because frankly i am sick to the back teeth with the whole marriage thing.
Its not a fair elegiance, its not a 50/50 split its not a partnership, its me that holds the whole thing together and i never meant for it to happen, i dont rememebr giving permission for it to occur and i certainly dont like it.

I have put up with it for long enough.

Why is it my responsibility to ensure we all have clean and ironed clothes, a list of meals for the week, the shopping in to make those meals. The dishwasher loaded and emptied, the house tidy and clean, school lunches paid for and chosen, the kids got to school on time and picked up, fed and watered, bathed and pjs, the plates, fucking cups and glasses picked up after every one.

ITS NOT MY FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY.
What the fuck is DH paid to do? I work a full week as well as do all that shite.

Its about fairness, respect and not allowing myself to be used as a dogs body.

So this week it ends.

Ive even been planning where i will go when i move out, because at the moment i just want to run away from it all.
How has this happened? How? and why is it ok?

So herby,i totally GET why you are pissed off and feel undervalued, i totally get why you need to rant, this rings true with so many women.

Womens liberation MY ARSE, we are still expected to be domestic slaves imho

Oh broke oven I'm so sorry.....someone is in for a shock.....

am opening my big can of WHOOOP ASS....