to limit the amount dd spends on presents for her friends - when it is my money she is spending - even though she Earns it - from doing jobs

[SlartyBartFast]

dd 13 - has rouhgly 11 friends she wants to buy presents for..
i tried to limit it to one pound each.
really.
i know it seems mean but we are financially struggling. she doesnt have a job, not for lack of trying

what are others experiences?

YANBU but she's probably going to struggle to find something for £1 each for 11 friends - and all different gifts unless you have some very big pound shops around where you are. Is there really no way she can cut it down - or do homemade gifts for some of them (I still fondly have some mix tapes made by mates of mine when I was 13 - nothing to play them on mind you but that's besides the point)?

I have a way to go with my DSs (only 4 and 1 at the moment) but can see the issue arising in the future...

When you say she earns it, do you mean she does jobs to help you and you give her pocket money in return? If so i would say the money is hers to spend as she wishes.

However, I do agree that it's daft for school kids to spend vast amounts on each other for Christmas, my DD and her friends used to agree a limit (of a pound or two) and just get little token things, that way no one spent far more or less than everyone else.

yes, she does jobs to help, she is really keen at the moment to do jobs -which is good - but costly

Is there any way she could instigate a Secret Santa among her friends? That way each of them could buy one present - maybe £5 worth.

No, of course yanbu. It gets ridiculous otherwise. When our dds used to want to buy for masses of friends (they do Secret santa now and each buy for just one other) we set a 2 pound limit in the end.

One year we did cheapo mugs with hot chocolate sachets, marshmallows and a candycane.

Another year we bought cheapo picture frames and put in a suitable postcard for each girl.

Another time we did sweetshop style sweetie bags - bought a load of different flavours then mixed them up and split them in cute little boxes.

Sometimes you can get packs of things and split them up (hat's what DD used to do - hair accessories, bangles, stationary etc.), I don't think it's mean, it's just spending what you can afford.

could you suggest she does secret santa with her friends? Might be a bit late now but its what I used to do (and still do with my main group of friends). One decent presents is easier and better than 11 crap ones. If she can't do that then do homemade stuff for some of them, it will probably be nicer and show more thought than something you can get from a pound shop!

that's not hats !

*Forgot to say, YANBU - you should only spend what you can afford.

Ooh, secret santa is a great idea!

This tear my DD and her group of friends (about 10) have agreed that instead of presents for each other they will all go out to lunch at a local Italian restaurant. This will work out at about £10 a head and will be like the office party for them. Much easier and cheaper than buying small gifts that no one has any real use for and something to enjoy planning for.

My 13 year-old is doing a secret Santa with her little group of friends; they are each buying a gift of approx £5 for one other child.

I like the idea of the 'office party', too.

I think if you are paying her to do jobs then she should be able to spend the money on whatever she wants. If you can't afford it then that rule may have to change, like she can only earn up to a certain amount or something, but it's not like she is buying drugs and alcohol, so she should be allowed to buy what she wants. Otherwise that would be like my boss paying my wages but telling me I was only allowed to spend it on certain things.

Secret Santa and other things are a good idea, but only if they all want to do that, it won't work otherwise.

She is being generous to her friends, that's a nice thing, and she mey get alot of pleasure out of giving her friends things they like. By all means encoursge her to shop wisely, make suggestions and go with her, but don't dictate what she is allowed to spend her earnings on.

If she gets rubbish or nothing in return, she will learn her lesson much better than if you force it on her.

Agree with curlymama. Either she's earned the money and she should be able to spend it how she chooses, or it's your money and you decide. I don't think it is fair (or conducive to learning how to manage money) to let her earn it and then control what she does with it.

If you can't afford to pay her for every job she volunteers for then you need to have an honest conversation with her about that and place an upper limit on weekly job payments.

great, some good ideas. i will see what she makes of a Secret Santa

YABU - Either she's earned the money and she should be able to spend it how she chooses, or it's your money and you decide.

(as has been said)

no, she hasnt really got any left now - the money earned has been spent, but she keeps offering to do work and then wants to buy presents and i know she will want money for presents - so am tryign to put my foot down. as much as i would love to pay her every time she irons a shirt for example, i am struggling financially

Wonder why this thread sied just then - is it when Threads I'm on messed up?

I still think you can't tell her what to spend it on once she has earned it, but you can explain that there is a limited supply of money and she can't just invent jobs to try to earn more. All of the Secret Santa ideas are v good ones, I wish I'd done that when I was buying silly little presents for lots and lots of girly friends.

She should be able to spend her money on what she wants.

If you can't afford to pay her for chores, then you need to stop paying her for chores.

Last year my dd bought fluffy socks from the Pound shop and filled them with home made biscuits. It was so successful she's doing the same this year!

She earns it it is hers to spend, bit like you working and your boss telling you what you can spend it on.