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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to bed annoyed with my mum?

26 replies

prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 18:53

Evening!

I've namechanged as I think my sister knows my usual name on here.

I have 3 children, the youngest is 18 months, and my sister has 2, the youngest is slightly younger than my 18 month old. My parents are good grandparents to my 3 children, except if we are somewhere with my sister and her children, they do nothing but fuss over my niece and nephew, and my children are more or less ignored.

For example, when my youngest DS turned one in the summer, we had a party. At the party, my mum spent the entire time either holding my nephew or chasing around after my niece whilst my sister and BIL sat drinking. If she was with one of my older DC's and my nephew started crying or my niece wanted something, she would simply put my DS down and go to see to them. She barely gave DS any attention at his own party.

Then a couple of months ago it was my DD's birthday and I invited family members round for a buffet. My mum completely ignored my children, spending the time holding my nephew or playing with my niece. Whilst I was preparing the hot food for the buffet with DH, my DS was running around opening kitchen cupboards etc even though I'd asked my mum to watch him for 10 minutes. I took him into the sitting room where she was and she said she couldn't watch him as she was watching my niece and nephew.

But today really takes the biscuit; we went to another family member's house for lunch, and we decided to leave at the same time my sister and BIL decided to leave. We got our children ready and my mum was fussing over my niece and nephew, getting their coats on, and carrying things out to the car. We had quite a lot of things to take to the car (the family member gave us loads of Xmas presents for the children to take home so we literally had bagfulls), and my mum was carrying my nephew to the car, when my mum started telling my DH to grab things of my sister's and BIL's to bring to the car, completely disregarding the fact that we were going ourselves at the same time and loading our car too. I know it sounds a smallish thing but I felt we were totally disgregarded. Not only did my mum do everything for my sister's children and not for mine, she expected my DH to leave what we were doing and help my sister and BIL.

I just want to make it clear that I do love my niece and nephew dearly, but I am fed up with my kids being second best. My sister was always the favourite when we were children and still is now really so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at all of this.

OP posts:
julybutterfly · 05/12/2010 18:56

My mum is like this. I've realised over the years that it's because she knows my sister is incapable whereas I'm not!

Could it be the same where your sister is concerned?

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 18:57

Doh! Title should say "To be annoyed with my mum. See, I was so annoyed I wrote it all too quickly and didn't proofread.......

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 18:57

Yanbu

no constructive advice as I would probably end up having an enormous hissy fit to get my point across.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 18:58

I'm not sure TBH Julybutterfly. My sister is pretty capable although her DH isn't, whilst mine is. My mum has always favoured my sister though.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 18:58

LOL Santas, I feel like having a hissy fit, I'm sure I will do at some point...

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2010 18:59

Then favouring her children is an extension of that.

You have to decide if you are just going to put up with it, or challenge it.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 19:00

Hec, I would love to challenge it but I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to things like that. I've tried to challenge my mum before and she goes off on one and it ends up causing a massive rift.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 19:02

What annoys me too is if I ever ask my mum to have my children she is always having my sister's children. She even goes along to Weightwatchers with my sister to "watch" the children while my sister stands on the fucking scales for 30 seconds, yet I have to take mine with me to doctors appointments etc.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/12/2010 19:03

not sure what to sugest but no yanbu

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2010 19:03

well, ok. But is keeping the peace with your mum worth you feeling so resentful?

And what when your kids start to notice that grandma loves their cousins more?

And they will. Don't think they won't.

Is keeping the peace worth how that will make them feel?

I can't answer that, just something for you to think about.

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 05/12/2010 19:04

Wow, YANBU. Although are you absolutely sure you're being objective about this?

Anyway why does your mum prefer her? There must be a reason for her to be so blatant about it.

SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 19:05

Your mum is being an arse then IMO.

Massively unfair and showing blatant favouritism.

God, I just couldn't sit back and let this continue. I would end up blowing a gasket.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 19:06

I'm not sure whether I'm being objective, although DH has noticed it and commented so maybe I am?

My mum's always preferred my sister, not sure why really. I guess I was just never the favourite one.

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 19:09

Hec speaks sense.

Worth remembering that you reap what you sow so I would expect your sister to shoulder the burden of your mum if she gets old and needs help.

MumNWLondon · 05/12/2010 19:11

I think you need to discuss with your mum. Its probably because she thinks you are more capable. You need to try and approach it in a non confrontational way but tell her how much it upsets you. Maybe even you DH can sit down with her and tell her how much it upsets you, particularly the examples you gave.

However you said your sister was the favourite as a child, so probably your mum prefers her children. Not fair I know, my parents both prefer my brother to me or my sisters as they wanted a boy so much. I'm sure they'll dote on my brothers kids more than mine.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2010 19:12

You're kidding aren't you?

It's always the child that's been treated like shit who ends up doing the care!

General dogsbody.

Plus I think there's a big 'craving parental approval' thing that goes on.

But I look into my crystal ball and tell you this - OP will be saddled with elderly parents!

And the sister will STILL be the golden girl.

Honestly, OP - take a step back. Think. Talk to your husband. Listen to his perspective. I guarantee he sees this more clearly than you.

curlymama · 05/12/2010 19:12

You really only have two choices.

  1. you tell her how you feel, in a non offensive way, and tell her what it would mean to you and how much you would appreciate it if she did offer to help you. be specific about what you want her to do.

  2. Continue to get upset about it, let it bottle up, and complain to DH or rant on here.

I would go with number 1. It might take a lot of courage togo for it, but even if nothing changes you will feel better that you stood up for yourself and your dc's.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 05/12/2010 19:20

I think I agree with some of the others, perhaps you DO need to have it out with her but you need to be very clear what you want from such a discussion. Your mum will likely NEVER admit that she has favoured your sister over you, so you need some incontrovertible information/evidence to bolster you. She will try to gaslight you at every turn, in my opinion.

It will also be much better if the discussion can remain dispassionate, on your side if not hers. Get your husband in the meeting too if you think it would help - he COULD be a bit more detached ("I've noticed x, y and z just since me and Prettymuch got together")

Where does your dad fit into all of this, if he's still around?

SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 19:20

I meant in an feeling obligated way not literal Confused

I feel that my middle brother gets preferential treatment over myself, my Sis and my other bro. Therefore if/when the time comes when our parents need help he can do the bulk. After all, he's had his arse wiped long enough.

Original poster
prettymuchapixiegirl · 05/12/2010 21:14

I think I'm going to have to confront her at some point.

Meowy, my dad doesn't seem to get involved in the favouritism, he treats all the grandchildren the same. It's my mum really where the problem lies.

OP posts:
fruitful · 05/12/2010 21:20

How do you get on with your sister?

If you do have a good close relationship with her, could you ask her if she has noticed this? And if she has, would she be willing to mention it to your mum?

Booandpops · 05/12/2010 23:01

We have this too. But not quite as badly I have to say
I once made a sarky comment on phone to dm and she was off with me for a fortnight! Truth hurts. Unless you can totally open yr heart with out getting angry I'd just vent to friends dh. Etc. My db is golden child in my family too tho dm never admit it. My dh is golden boy in his and that causes problems as well. Mums eh!

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 06/12/2010 18:39

So, pixie, given that answer, does he recognise that this is your mum's M.O., and as such would he back you up if you decided to confront her?

If you get your DH and your dad onside, then you might get somewhere with her.

Good luck!!

TheMeow · 06/12/2010 19:36

Next time you go to your parents, give all your attention to your dad and ignore your mum. If she questions it just say "Oh well I thought favouritism was what we did in this family?"

Xmas Grin
EminentlyImminent · 06/12/2010 20:11

Ho do you get on with your MIL and all of DH's family? If DH's family are around and you all get on I would spend more time with them....and go on about how much your children love love love MIL. Passive aggressive but if you don't think saying anything will help it might make you feel better.

Also there's a flipside to all this which presumably your sister gets a lot more interfering advice.

As sad as it is it doesn't sound like something your mum would take on board - if it always descends into an argument would it be possible to write her a letter saying how sad it makes you feel for both you and your children?

Is it something your sister acknowledges or does she just milk it?

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