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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Smoking MIL

25 replies

chrysanthemum38 · 05/12/2010 13:41

For the last two years, my PILs have been very respectful about their smoking when we (I and my two DCs) are at their house.

When we are there, they and my DH have only smoked in the garage which adjoins their kitchen and we in the lounge can't even smell it.

But the last time we went which was a couple of months ago, my MIL stood in the hall and smoked, so she was literally only feet away from my DCs, blowing smoke into the lounge.

When we went home I asked my D if he wouldn't mind asking her not to do that and all I got was "it's her house, she can smoke in it if she likes" and he refused. At a later date, he brought it up again after an argument and told me he wasn't going to invite me and my DCs to his parents' house again because of this.

This hurt me a lot as I really like my PILs and want to have a good relationship with them.

Yesterday was my DD's 3rd birthday and his parents came. The very first thing his mother said was a "Oh, you haven't changed then," which was a slight dig about that fact it has been so long since we saw them, he might have changed his appearance in that time.

I waited till his mum was alone and basically very politely put the possibility to her of not smoking while we were there. She was a little defensive at first and I got a bit of a lecture but she was OK and said that she would respect my request as she liked me - we had a hug and I cried a bit as it was an uncomfortable conversation and I dislike conflict.

Then she said she would have a word with DH.

Now he is being really cool with me. He hasn't spoken to me about it but I can tell he isn't happy that I spoke to his mum about it.

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 05/12/2010 14:02

Personally I would not be happy if mil smoked around dcs (but she doesn't smoke) It is her house, she can do what she wants but you have the option of not taking dcs to her. I would be worried by secondary smoke hanging around from previous smoking, but I don't really know much about that.

I think your dh is being a little bit defensive, they can get like that over their Mums and probably because he's a smoker too.

Try waiting til he has calmed down a bit and ask him what he would have preferred, did he want his mum upset by you not going for the sake of a conversation?

MrManager · 05/12/2010 14:06

Well you went behind his back about it, he's entitled to be a little chilly towards you for a while.

rainbowinthesky · 05/12/2010 14:08

Yabu. Surely if your dh smokes then your pil smoking in their own house is no biggie anyway. You cant ask someone not to smoke in their own house.

Original poster

chrysanthemum38 · 05/12/2010 14:09

DH does not smoke in our house.

OP posts:

MsKalo · 05/12/2010 14:10

YANBU
Why don't (some) smokers put children first and NOT smoke around/near kids?!
You shouldnt have to tell her and your DH should nOt be defensive about it.

rainbowinthesky · 05/12/2010 14:12

I dont know the facts but I very much doubt they are in more danger from your pil smoking that having a father who smokes even if not in the house.

MsKalo · 05/12/2010 14:12

She didn't go behind his back, she had a conversation with her MIL. Blimey! Men and their mothers!

MrManager · 05/12/2010 14:23

DH made it clear that he wasn't going to ask his parents that as it was their house. She deliberately "waited till his mum was alone" to ask. Clearly she was doing it behind his back.

rainbowinthesky · 05/12/2010 14:24

I dont think the op is unreasonable about asking her mil directly as it was about hte healthy of her dc however I do think she is misguided about this as her dh smokes.

Boys2mam · 05/12/2010 14:42

Going into a smoky house is disgusting. It stinks and burns your eyes and throat. Whether OP's DH smokes or not is irrelevant as the children are not being made to directly breathe in that smoke.

YANBU at all to discuss this with MIL if DH refused - its out in the open now and surely if you leave DH to sulk for a bit he'll come round.

SantasENormaSnob · 05/12/2010 14:51

Your dh sounds like a real catch

blackeyedsusan · 05/12/2010 15:05

Dh said he wouldn't talk about it, did he say whether she shouldn't? And what about the change in circumstances, ie mil being upset that they have not visited, would it have been reasonable to not explain to her?

an upset dh is worth it for the sake of dcs' health, but given that dh smokes and pils smoke in the house before visits, I am not sure what benefit it would have, but as I have previously stated I am ignorant of the facts!

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 05/12/2010 15:08

I'm just wondering what has changed, they'd didn't used to smoke in the house and now she has started. Of course it's her her house but you don't want to take them if she's going to carry on. Just invite them to yours more instead.

Glitterknickaz · 05/12/2010 15:14

Ok so AIBU to have had this vision of a pair of MIL stylee shoes literally smoking as the wearer has been blown away when I read the thread title?

Arion · 05/12/2010 15:18

Seriously Mr Manager? If MIL hadn't brought up the subject first by having a dig you might have a point. She is entitled to know why dgc aren't visiting then it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. It's her house, as stated, therefore it's her perogative to smoke in it. It's also OP's perogative to ensure the health of her children. It was unfair of OP's DH to just ignore the issue, MIL needs to know the facts and then she can decide - not smoke and see the dgc in her house or smoke and just see the dgc at OPs house.

Fizzylemonade · 05/12/2010 15:33

Maybe MIL thought you would relax a bit which is why she was testing the water with smoking in the hall.

I do sadly know how you feel although in my case my dh doesn't smoke, (nor his parents (did in their twenties but only for a few years and socially) but MINE both did.

This was an issue for us, prior to grandchildren they smoked inside, always, after the grandchildren they smoked outside. They wanted to see the grandchildren and although it is their house, we could choose not to take our children there.

Your Dh has no right to put his parent's feelings above the health of his children. Passive smoking effects are well documented. And I watched my mother die this year of lung cancer. Horrific.

Probablyjustconfused · 05/12/2010 15:36

I can sympthise with you - I detest the smell of smoke and it makes me feel quite sick. So even disregarding the health aspects, if PILs smoked near me I would struggle to enjoy their company because of my reaction to the smoke.

I know you can't ask someone not to smoke in their home but I have very little sympathy for the habit: the facts are clear - it is toxic.

MumNWLondon · 05/12/2010 17:22

The response to "its my house" is they are my children and I will decide if they can visit if you are going to smoke here.

However if your DH smokes anyway then you are probably being a bit U because unless he washes is clothes after every smoke before he goes through the DC they are going to inhale a certain amount of 2nd/3rd hand smoke from his clothes, so a little extra in your PILs house probably wouldn't make much difference.

If your DH didn't smoke at all then I would say you are not unreasonable.

Serendippy · 05/12/2010 21:54

MrManager I think the OP was right to talk to her MIL, even if her DH didn't want to, as it has meant that they are able to continue having regular contact with their grandchildren.

You can ask someone not to smoke in their own house, they don't have to comply.

I agree with the poster who said that OP was not going behins his back, she was simply having a conversation with her MIL about MIL's GC. Why does anyone need permission to talk to a member of the family about children who are loved by both parties?

ShanahansRevenge · 05/12/2010 22:00

You did right...you put the DC first. My Mum does this too...and I have to say something to her and she gets all defensive. It''s their generation.

Basically I think your DH is annoyed that you went ovver his head...youdrew the inlaws attention to something and that was YOUR choice. As parents or as partners we dont have to make ALL descisions together...not even family ones. It's important to remain your own person and stick to your own morals.

Weemee · 05/12/2010 22:12

Have had similar issues with my own mother. Won't go to my parents house with dd as mum smokes and I won't have her in an environment where smoking occurs/ is occurring. This did not go down well and my parents cut me off for about 3 months (first grandchild). IT was all about how much I had hurt them. Now we only see them at neutral venues or our house.

You have to do what you think is right, albeit that is harder when your DH is not supportive of you. You will never ever please anyone else, so best thing I am now finding is to do what suits you and your dd. If anyone has a problem- tough! Its your DC you set the rules. It isn't nice tho when you are getting a hard time. Weird how the smokers see us non smokers as the weird ones?? If I asked my mum to smoke a bit of cardboard soaked in bleach she would have a fit. I ask her not to bring her poisonous sticks near me of dd and I am the weird one. Right-o........Stick to those guns....

Limara · 05/12/2010 22:23

smoking kills

Original poster

chrysanthemum38 · 05/12/2010 23:41

FTR, they are my DCs - I met DH after I had them, so they are not MIL's GDCs, if that makes a difference.

But both DH and MIL 'don't believe' the health risks of passive smoking - basically I get the impression that they are going along with it to "make me happy" but that they think I am an idiot for believing the hype.

MIL actually compared it to the smell of garlic - I had served garlic bread at the party and she stayed in the other room as she didn't like the smell, so if she could put up with the smell of garlic, then maybe I could learn to put up with the smell of cigarettes.

I had a brief convo with DH about it - his defence? "She's old!"

OP posts:

Rhinestone · 06/12/2010 00:11

Well your DH is a bit of a cunt isn't he!

onceamai · 06/12/2010 06:59

YABU. It is your MIL's house and you don't have to visit. My parents smoked throughout my childhood, in the same room as me no less. I grew up fine. Do you really think that a MIL having half a dozen ciggies in front of your dc even once a week is going to harm them? Really think you need to chill about this and stop fretting about something so inconsequential. Yes of course passive smoking is potential risky but it's not as though you are taking you dc into a club with 100 smokers every night.

Also I think you are being incredibly bad mannered and intolerant in somebody else's home and that your dp has every right to feel aggrieved with you.

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