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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish DH was only taking one week's paternity leave instead of two?

20 replies

Lorelai · 05/12/2010 11:27

DD2 is 5 days old, and DH has therefore been on paternity leave since last Tuesday, and is driving me mad. He is just so grumpy all the time, and I am struggling to stay postive and upbeat as it is, without having yet another child to deal with. I know the reasons - he is really struggling with the lack of sleep (even though he is getting far more than I am), and he did his back in a few weeks ago (old injury flaring up) and so is in pain as well as being tired.

He is a fairly pessimistic person generally (and has suffered from depression in the past), and I am an optimist, so this is normal, but I am really struggling to get bf established (ouch!), make sure that life is as normal as possible for DD1, and having to try and keep him positive as well. I would love to tuck myself up in bed and have a good rest (and a bit of a cry), but just can't. In one way I am dreading him going back to work as I'm not sure how I will juggle the needs of 2 children on my own, but I'm not sure I can cope with another week of him moping around the house as well.

OP posts:

RobynLou · 05/12/2010 11:32

Just do it, take DD2 to bed, spend the day dozing and feeding, and leave him to get on with DD1.

Write a list of what he needs to make happen when - dinner at such and such, washing up, laundry etc and just let him get on with it.

MamaMary · 05/12/2010 11:33

Stop spending energy trying to keep your DH positive. You have more than enough to deal with as it is. Tell him to lighten up and if he doesn't just ignore him and get on with things. He'll probably do better when he goes back to work.

bb99 · 05/12/2010 11:47

Agree - list for him and bed for you.

My DH was the same (he was v. v. tired as he'd stayed up ALL NIGHT while I was in labour - clearly having a rest and a bit of a holiday, ho ho ho) - I couldn't wait for PL to be over with no 2 - I had an 10 year gap so was juggling 2 children - but with very different needs and demands, but it did get a LOT easier when DH went back to work and I only had to worry about the DCs and school run etc, plus no recriminations for not doing it his way and slobbing around in PJ's all day...(tho not on the school run, unless I was staying in the car )

I am really looking forward to no3 turning up in a couple of month, especially for the PL... This time he may not be my birthing partner and will be given a list of what to do and what not to do...

Hope you have a good day!

peeringintothevoid · 05/12/2010 11:58

Could you allocate DD1 to him, and take to your bed with DD2? He could maybe take her out to do something fun, giving you some peace and space from his grumpiness!

CardyMow · 05/12/2010 12:11

Am in a way dreading DP's paternity leave in January - he kees saying 'oh it'll be lovely to have such a long holiday'...he's booked an extra 2 weeks holiday AFTER his 2 weeks paternity leave, to run straight on afterwards.

While I can see that it may be good to have him around to hel look after the other 3 dc and do the school runs etc (they are 12, 8 and 7yo) - It's the fact that he thinks he can rest, and laze around and be 'on holiday' for a whole month after I have had DC4 that's worrying me.

Plus some of the comments like 'oh we'll be able to get up to town 2-3 times a week and see my mum in town - NOOOOOO I will be resting my battered fanjo you muppet, I will not be going into town to pootle around with MIL when I'm going to need to get my norks out at hourly intervals....

AuntiePickleBottom · 05/12/2010 12:24

dp took a month off, i was egging him out of the door once that month was up.

will he have xmas leave at all, if so i feel for you lol

Laurtopsy · 05/12/2010 12:33

DD2 is seven days old and DF is on PL for another week but then has another two weeks off due to half-term and doesn't go back until January. While I love having him home to help with DD1, the cooking and the night feeds when I can express, I also can't wait for him to go back. He, too, complains of his tiredness and while I don't begrudge him a nap in the day I do begrudge the fact that he doesn't realise that even though I'm a week PP after a non-complicated vaginal birth I had to have a spinal and go to theater due to a retained placenta, I'm still sore and I'm HEALING. Alas, I've still been doing everything I normally do housework wise :/.

I feel I'll miss him but I will not miss his 'woe is me' complaints.

YANBU!

BikeRunSki · 05/12/2010 12:43

DD2 is his daughter too!

DrSeuss · 05/12/2010 12:52

Why waste time and energy on trying to make him more positive? Between the baby, other children and YOURSELF, you have enough to do. Stuff him, he's a big boy now.

Original poster

Lorelai · 05/12/2010 16:10

The thing is, I don't really want to just hide in bed as it would make me feel depressed. And I don't need to give him lists etc; he is more domestic than me (and is upstairs changing DD2's nappy right now). It's just that he is snapping at DD1 so I feel I have to be extra patient with her to compensate, plus I find it hard to keep myself positive when he is being negative. For example, this morning I had hoped to go to church, but had to wait in for the midwife for our day 5 check. I had asked her to see if she could come in the afternoon but she couldn't due to other visits, which is fair enough. But he got really pissed off that she hadn't planned her whole day around me which made it harder for me to not be disappointed IYSWIM.

OP posts:

frgr · 05/12/2010 16:12

It think it's horrible that you're having to "deal" with your DH at the same time as a new little one - he's off work because he's meant to be making life easier for you!

Original poster

Lorelai · 05/12/2010 16:19

DrSeuss; because of his history with depression (was on AD's for 4 years) I am always worried (and so is he) that he is going to slip back into it, so try to keep him upbeat and not let on if I am feeling down or annoyed with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorelai · 05/12/2010 16:20

On a practical level he is making things easier; doing all laundry, washing up etc, it is just emotionally that things are hard sometimes.

OP posts:

huddspur · 05/12/2010 16:22

Men can't win can they, if they took no paternity leave then people would be giving them stick for not caring about their child and partner/wife and when they do people moan and say they can't wait for them to go back to work.

peeringintothevoid · 05/12/2010 16:24

Hmmmm...I have a long history of depression and take ADs; that doesn't mean I expect my DP to be upbeat all the time and not share his feelings with me or express irritation/anger/frustration. Can you really not say to him "DH I love you, but you're being really negative with DD1 - can you do something fun with her to cheer yourself up?"?

Your needs are very important at the moment too!

Original poster

Lorelai · 05/12/2010 16:32

He does know he is being grumpy, and feels bad about it, and apologises to DD1.

I think I was being a little harsh on him earlier; was having a bit of a low moment and needed to let it out. I do like having him home, just wish he wasn't quite so grumpy!

OP posts:

OmniaParatus · 05/12/2010 16:34

Could you suggest he take DD out for a fun activity, just the two of them? He might be less snappy with her if they are both having fun, rather than him feeling she is in the way if he is doing housework (I take it you are better at juggling kids and hw than he is ?)

You can watch telly and relax while they are out, and then when he gets back thank him for spending time with DD and cheering her up, maybe this will make him feel appreciated as a dad and give you a break at the same time too?

PuppyMonkey · 05/12/2010 17:02

Oh ffs, some of the men I read about on MN. Why do you have to pussyfoot around and suggest stuff he could do and moan about him on MN - he's a grown man who should be capable of working out what he can do to be helpful.

Also wanders off shaking head in despair

DrSeuss · 05/12/2010 18:15

I'm sorry for your husband's condition but how much do you think you can carry before you end up in the same state?

peeringintothevoid · 05/12/2010 19:10

I totally agree with OmniaParatus (that's what I was trying to say too ).

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