To think that being a parent doesn't necessarily make your parenting advice/opinions good, and not being a parent doesn't necessarily make it bad?

[HeathcliffMoorland]

More a what do you think than an AIBU, but...

I have three children. I was having tea the other day with a friend who has two. She was having trouble with her DD's behaviour, and asked me for any ideas I might have.

I suggested something, and she said that she might try it, and that it had already been suggested to her before, but she didn't even consider it, as the person who suggested it has no children. (I wouldn't mind, but friend also asked this person for the advice... )

I thought about this attitude after, and realised that most views I held before parenthood are still the same.

Much of the terrible advice I have received has come from my MIL, and my sister (who, after TTC for years finally is pregnant!!) has had many pearls of wisdom.

I think it depends, I think if you have brought up children and they have turned out perfect with no problems at all during teens or otherwise, you can give good parenting advice because what you have done obviously works.

Children are who they are because of how they have been brought up.

YANBU, but I guess I do see their point - I am probably more likely to try advice from a fellow parent but it can all be useful. I read a lot before being a mum and DH and I talked at length about parenting choices before we were ready to TTC.

I guess there is a difference between childless people ADVISING and them JUDGING.

Like my friend who has been quite judgemental about dummies and epidurals and other big issues... I'd be less miffed if she had kids.

YANBU. It's very narrowminded to only accept advice from someone with practical experience in the area. Sometimes the best and most useful advice comes from someone with a fresh set of eyes, IYSWIM.

Parents have a much better grasp, in general, in what is acceptable behaviour to expect from children and are bound to give better advice.

I was astonished at quite how different each of my DCs was from the other. Even the advice I gave myself had to be re-evaluated in the light of experience! All different temperaments, appetites, preferences and sleep patterns. (DS4 didn't even have a sleep pattern. He didn't "do" sleep. Fortunately he did do sitting quietly watching films, so XH and I used to take turns getting up to change the video every hour or so all night, for about three years. So sue me!)

The most vehement advice, bordering on orders, I've had was from people who not only never had nor wanted children but have had as little to do with any children as possible. I can't understand why they even wanted to talk about mine. One of them never even met any of my children. I thanked them for their input, as you do, and then proceeded to play it by ear as usual. I had a load of advice from friends and relatives who did have children, too; and am slightly amused to note that the ones whose own offspring have grown up most pleasant and functional are the ones who took a "Well this is what worked for me" approach (and only when asked!), whilst the rigid prescriptive types have tended to have a lot more difficulty in later years. One could work up an interesting psychological theory about the reasons.

Was without DCs for a looong time.(Bfore I had them, not taken away.) In that time, had very childcentric job. A very dear friend would always begin sentences about DC with 'until, u have children you can't...'. One of these was about a dear friend of mine whose DD was underweight (which she knew and was a worry) I said, don't mention it, he said, as a PARENT, you notice these things...It had been noticed, but surely as a parent isn't shorthand for bypassing all social mores??
My views on parenting not much changed since having DCs, maybe feel a bit more confident about expressing them as 'now have the t-shirt'...

I have yo-yo'd a bit with my views.

Pre-kids I favoured a certain amount of chaos but clear boundaries.

Babydom was pure chaos, but now DD is a toddler we're back at pre-kid views.

She is still tiny, would be interesting to see how it turns out! I don't object to advice from parents without kids but a lot of it is unrealistic at this point because they don't know ages and stages very well. I have parent friends whose advice I have ignored too though.

I don't much listen to unsolicited parenting advice from parents and from non-parents even less. How would anyone understand my dcs' temperament or level of maturity?

Dcs also behave differently for their parents or their grandparents or teachers. So no point listening to them either.

YANBU - I think some people ask a childless person for advice. Often when they don't get the answer they want/what they want to hear then the attitude "what do they know? They don't have kids" emerges. So rude!

I think I would be more inclined to listen to the experiences someone with children have had that are similar to whatever my problem is, and listen to how they sorted it (if they did!) and take that into consideration.

Yes, people without children can give very good advice. But they are coming from a place of no experience. I think sharing experiences and solutions that have worked for you is much more useful than advice. Especially theory

I think experiencing something makes you more qualified to talk about it. Doesn't mean that if you haven't, you can't be sensible or give good advice, just that with many things you can't truly understand the complexity of them and all the emotions surrounding them unless you've experienced them.

Yanbu. I don't have children of my own but am a step parent and an aunt. I've had lots of time with children and lots of time in the role of looking after them and dealing with issues. Sometimes an outside perspective helps.

hairyfairy - being a step-parent makes you an insider, not an outsider in terms of this discussion! Not at all the same thing as a childless person pontificating.

I had enough experience of children pre-ds to know anyone who issues definite orders and pretends to know exactly what works for all children at all times and in all families was talking out of their behind. Even those who are parents - there's a very human tendency to attribute causality when it could well be coincidence or external factors.

A smug person may well assume their well-behaved child who eats everything that's put in front of them and sleeps from 7 to 7 is the product of their perfect parenting but the rest of us know they may come unstuck at another stage or with a second or third child...