Weird MIL. Weird and a bit ignorant. What shall I do?

[InWithTheITCrowd]

It?s not much really - MIL babysat DS for the 1st time this week - he?s 15 months old. Have long-standing issues with in-laws and their complete lack of interest (which I have posted about a few times) and their apparent favouritism towards DH?s niece over our DS.

Anyway, on Thursday she DID babysit for us, which was a massive break-through. She came over at 5:30pm, and was there until around 10.30-ish.

DS - very good sleeper. Always goes to bed around 7:30pm, very rarely wakes up in the night (can count on fingers of one hand) - absolutely loves his sleep, and would just take himself off to bed if he could.

She came in at 5:30 (we were going out at 6 - not a social event - it was a professional thing) and I was making DS?s dinner. DS was in his playpen next to me. MIL walked in - didn?t even acknowledge DS - didn?t even LOOK at him - she walked straight past him, and proceeded to take off her wellies, her trousers (!) her coat, put new trousers on, slippers, folded all her clothes up and put them on a radiator. The whole time, she was talking AT me about some woman that she works with and her son who has just passed his driving test. DS started shouting for a bit of attention, but she was standing (with her back to him) between us. I was scrambling some eggs, and I literally couldn?t get a word in edgeways, so I manoeuvred round her and picked him up and returned to the hob. She was still talking the whole time, still didn?t acknowledge DS.
I put him down, as his tea was ready, and she said ?shall I put him in his chair for you?? - so I said ?that would be lovely? - she did, and then went and sat down in the corner of the room. I fed him, and the WHOLE TIME, she was just banging on about someone else at work, and someone?s milk and bread and how someone else was going to see Kings of Leon. I basically ignored her, and tended to my son, but she didn?t seem to notice.

Anyway - we HAD to go out. I ran through bedtime routine etc with her, got everything ready. Told her that if he DID whimper a bit, just to leave him as he settles himself, and only to go in to him if he cries, Told her that singing and rubbing his tummy helps, and that if he does shout out or cry, just go in and have a sing and maybe switch his lullaby on. I also told her not to take him out of his cot, as he does settle well, and is better just left

We went out, and got back in at 10:20pm - DS still wide awake on her knee. Asked her what happened. She said that he didn?t want to go to bed at 7:30, so she?d kept him downstairs until 8.30pm. Then she took him up to his cot. He didn?t go to sleep, so she stood watching him, and he wouldn?t settle (!) I asked her if she?d sang to him and she said ?no, I have a horrible voice? - so she brought him downstairs.
I asked if he?d cried, but she said ?No, he didn?t cry once all night - he just wanted to be awake?

Apparently, she took him upstairs 6 times!! Each time, he wouldn?t settle (while she was standing over the cot looking at him)she brought him downstairs and played with him.
When we got in, she was chasing him round the room!!

We thanked her and she left - we took him to bed and he went straight to sleep.

Now, last night - for the first time, we had problems with him settling to sleep. It took him over 2 hours to settle. I know that this is normal for many babies and parents - but this is SO out of normal for DS. He also woke twice in the night, got up really early this morning (normally it?s about 8-ish) and is now really tired

I know that I have it easy with DS and his sleeping, and I know that anything can disrupt and change things, and am ready for that to happen - BUT I would rather it be prevented if it can easily be prevented, IYSWIM, We?ve even been on holiday with DS, and he still stuck to his routine, - we?ve stayed out late with him - nothing has ever shaken him before

MIL and FIL are having him again next week (2nd time ever) and I really want to say something to them, but DH says I should just leave it. The trouble is, it?s the night before I start back at work after my maternity leave. I can?t believe the disruption from just one night of (really quite weird behaviour IMO) from MIL, and I know they are doing us a favour next week (again it?s a work thing) but I feel as though I should try and hammer it home, lay it down straight and ask them to abide by our routine and dealing with DS. If he cries, obviously I will trust their judgement to soothe him, but I feel I should tell them how disruptive it has been by her reacting to him like this

For the record, DS has stayed with my Mum and Dad with no problems, and I have had a friend babysit AND my sister with no problems, so it?s not that he doesn?t settle well with other people. It just seems to be this weird way that MIL has with him (ie ignoring everything we said to her, stimulating him late into the night, keeping him up so he?s over-tired, not really bonding with him, standing over him and wondering why he refuses to sleep, and then bloody bringing him up and down stairs 6 times)

I know, I know - she did us a favour and is doing us a favour next week (but we do LOTS of favours for them too - had their dog for 2 weeks when they went away, driving Mil to work for a week and home again when her car was in the garage etc) - but do think she acted quite strangely, and I really want to say something for next week, as I really don?t want him to start having disrupted sleep just when I go back to work, if it can be helped.

Am I right in thinking this is a bit odd, and what shall I do?

Thanks!

Oh bless you - my MIL is like this. I think you?ve had some good advice. Just tell them your rules again, and then leave it up to them and don?t worry about it. If he?s a bit disrupted, it will probably only be for a couple of nights (although, I know they?re important ones for you)
Like you said - at least she had him, and at least they?ve spent some time together. She does sound quite strange though

Give her the benefit of the doubt, as others have said this may have been first time nerves and it's possible she didn't really take in your initial advice as she thought she knew best, especially if she is used to dealing with a child that is a worse sleeper than your DS. Explain as tactfully as you can the impact it had on him the next day and offer the same advice you did the first time round. Then if the same thing happens next week you know she is either a bit useless or doing it on purpose. I know its not ideal timing with you returning to work the next day, but in the grand scheme of things it IS only one night.
As you have said this is not a regular thing so hopefully you can then arrange for her to babysit during the day so she maintains the contact without messing up your DS's sleep pattern in the future. Sorry if this just reiterates what has already been said! Loads of luck with the return to work.

Do you think some of it could be influenced by how she looks after your niece?

I only ask because we've had issues with MIL but I've noticed that some of it is because she tries to do the same with our kids as with niece & nephew (who she sees more often), even though we have a very different approach to parenting.

Craftynclothy - DH said the exact same thing. I think it might be - as DN doesn?t go to sleep on her own, maybe MIL just did what she normally does - stayed with baby!
Gonna chalk it up to experience I think, and just hope next week is OK
Thanks all!

Some people just have strong personalities and please themselves. My sister is also one. I always tell her the later DS stays up past his bed time the earlier he wakes, to avoid this no later than 9pm is best.

So she keeps him up until 9.15pm, because he wanted a little longer and promptly woke her at 5am. And he's 6yo so was up and wasking for breakkie, tv, games etc. Nice for me tho he slept from 6pm-7.30am that night when back home.

I'd definitely mention to her how unsettled he was after staying up so late and reiterate that he must be left alone to get to sleep.

With the ignoring DS and talking at you thing - my own MIL does this to some extent. She loves DS to bits but it seems she has to get her full quota of words out before she can do anything else.

Think yourself lucky to have someone to sit for free even as a last resort. It's not actually going to do you or him any harm and at least they spent some time together.

Ps sorry if that sounds very blunt....you can probably tell we have no family to help us out!

It really doesn't sound that bad to me. It's good for dc to learn that different people will look after them in different ways and that they are still loved and ok.

Tbh, you either accept this, and take what they have to give, or you pay somebody.

Oh, i dont mean to sound ungrateful. As I say, I'm very pleased they've finally spent some time together. I just wondered if I should say something about how disruptive her routine was. And also, we do lots and lots for them - so yes, it is free childcare and it helped us out enormously, but we do scratch each others backs, iyswim?

It is a one-off, so I think I'll leave it to dh to just confirm our routine, and ask that they do it, and then just suck it up if he's unsettled after.

At least they're finally in his life...

The only thing you can do is NOT have her babysit. She doesn't follow your instructions. Having said that the child himself did not come to harm. But it will as you've said, disrupt your routines / his routines. Its about what matters more, getting her to sit, or keeping your routines.

My parents are like this too, never put kids down, have crazy evening with them, think some seventies parents are like that. I would say that this is the inevitable part of 'free' babysitting - you just have to suck it up. Also sounds like it isn't that difficult to get back to routine so just take it into consideration.

Actually I dont quite get what you have a issue with. your son wasnt crying first you say

DS still wide awake on her knee.

then you say
he brought him downstairs and played with him.
When we got in, she was chasing him round the room!!

Sounds to me like your MIL enjoyed her time with her grandson and didnt want to put him to bed and tried a few halfhearted attempts and then gave up and enjoyed having some time with him

whats so wrong with that? YABU

No, Lonnie - I wasn't really complaining, I was just stating what she did, (and she really did completely ignore everything we asked her to do) and saying should I just reiterate next week, so they at least try to follow our routine?

in 15 months, we've only needed sitters 5 times, so it's not exactly an issue - and it's so rare, which is why I wondered if it was worth mentioning.

My only concern is thatit really has disrupted him, which I wouldn't be bothered with normally, apart from the fact that next week I go back to work, so if we can avoid a bit of disruption, i'd like to.

I am very grateful to her - but she genuinely didn't enjoy it. Dh went round today, and mil told him that she was getting really fed up, and bored with trying to entertain ds. She even joked that thurs was the most time she'd ever spent with him, and said "is that my duty over for the next year, then?"

No probs - as I say, we never normally ask for any help, so not an issue. I am just a bit anxious about my return to work, amd (if at all possible) would like to try and be in routine and calm as much as poss, in preparation for mine and ds's 1st day away from one another :(

I didn't mean to say "no" to your "yabu" by the way, lonnie! I may very well be!

Also, to be fair, the whole sing to him/rub his tummy that will settle him - yes, that might work when his mum/dad does it, but not when it is somebody else. I babysit quite a bit, and have had this said to me so many times, oh he sleeps through, or just pat him and he'll go back. No, he doesn't. It's very hard to take decisions about somebody elses child. You don't have the context you do with your own. As a parent you might know very well that he is whimpering/fussing and ok to leave him but to somebody else that might be the equivalent of full blown howling.

If it is a concern, I would keep the your mil for times when you can get him to sleep before you go out - she's probably much more likely to say yes for one, and you won't have the concerns about your routine being followed. You could phone the nursery that your son is going to be going to and ask if any of the staff there babysit -they will follow your routine and have much more immediate experience of small children than your mil.

Or childminder/nanny if that is who you are using!

I know, Leakmywiki (excellent name!!) - and I would totally understand if/when he behaves differently for other people - but honestly, she didn?t even attempt. She literally put him in his cot - with the light on, apparently, and stood over him. When he didn?t go to sleep, she brought him downstairs to play with him, and then repeated this 6 times. She didn?t even attempt to put him down and try and settle him.
He didn?t cry or make a fuss, he just didn?t go to sleep immediately.

But - it?s fine. That?s how she does it. My question really was, as they are having him again next week, should I just ask them to try it our way?

We really don?t need her for babysitting - as I say, this is the first time since he was born - though we have asked a few times if they want to have him for a few hours, they?ve always said no.

It?s not a concern in the long-term at all - it?s just my anxiety, I suppose, about going back to work next week, and just wanting to minimise (as far as it is possible to control anything with toddlers) any kind of disruption to his/our routine.
He?s not going to nursery or having a nanny/childminder, but thanks for the suggestion.

My mum sometimes comes over at bedtime, and joins in with us and so does my sister, so if we ever needed anyone to have him in the evening again, they will know how we like to do it. (we have asked MIL to do this too, but she has declined)

Thanks for the thoughts, though

You also say you are ok with your mother giving him chocolate behind your back. and thats ok. so why is it not ok your MIL does something opsite to what you said? FWIW for me it would be a far highter crime to give my chidlchocolate with out my ok than to keep them up when babysitting.

Seriously remembering your past posts about this MIL I think you are wanting to find fault.

She might not be a baby person some people are not. She might find it easier to relate to a girl because yes some people do still find a certain gender situation (right or wrong she is of a different generation to you)

it could be a complete fluke that your son didnt sleep well the day after you cant know for sure it was that.

simply reinstate how to go with putting him down and then see what happens

Lonnie -I?m not really thrilled with my Mum giving him chocolate behind my back - but I suspect she does., and accept that this is a grandparent thing in many ways, though I have asked her not to. And I wouldn?t be thrilled with my Mum completely ignoring everything I?ve asked re: bedtime either.
Yes, I do have issues with my MIL, and I completely agree that they have probably clouded the way I?m thinking about this - and I?m not really complaining (although I know it does read as quite whiny, I?m just trying to get all the facts in) - I just wondered if people thought it would be appropriate for me to just reiterate what I would prefer they?d do

She is definitely a baby person - definitely. But she may prefer girls, I don?t know. She prefers our niece, that?s for sure.
And I also accept that him not settling last night, may be due to other factors. But I think I will still try and hammer it home that we would at least like them to TRY and do the sleep routine our way. First day back at work nerves are already kicking in, got a really early start, got morning routine to do on my own and am just trying to bolster myself I think. In which case, I probably am being a bit U, but with quite good cause!

I?ve had some good advice. Thanks

It's a common hing for Grans...both my MIL and my Mum fail to put the DCs to bed...as they grow they learn to love this about being babyat by Gran...you have to allow them their foibles...with my MIL it is that she does not EVER want to upset DD..and the same with my Mum....she wont instill any disciplie at all...wants to be "Nice Nanny"

I say fair enough.

Haha - thanks shan and Giddy. Giddy you have made me laugh!

I think I?m a bit spoilt with my Mum and my sister. As I say, we?ve only had him babysat a handful of times, but the couple of times my Mum and my sister were in charge, they did everything I asked. But it helped that he knew them I guess!

I?m just going to let sleeping babies lie?.. (but mention it again next week, and hope they listen to a bit of it maybe?)