to think choosing godparents who are already family is a 'waste'?

[SlightlyJaded]

Buggeration and wank, I'm really annoyed.

DCs (3&5) have never been christened although it is something that both me an DH feel we want to do. In all honesty we just haven't got round to it

My dad and DHs mum have been nagging asking when we are going to do it and we vaguely mentioned this winter.

Now for some background:

10 years ago - before DH and I were married, his brother and his brothers wife asked me to be godmnother to their second born DS. (DH is godfather to first born). Apparently they had 'checked' with DH that we were 'serious' - so that presumably I would 'be around for the duration' and then they asked. I said yes and we talked about the fact that if anything happened between DH and I, it would not effect my commitment to my godson. As things turned out, DH and I married and my godson is now also my nephew.

Roll forward to a couple of years ago and I told DH that I would like my two best girlfriends (both childless and very fond of my DCs) to be godmothers. They are both people I love dearly and people whose morals, values, humour etc I cherish. I am the only child of an only child so have virtually no family of my own. To me, this was a way of introducing some permanent fixtures into my DCs lives who happened to be lovely people.

DH was fine with this and thought he would ask his two best friends to be godfathers.

This did not go down well with BIL and SIL. Apparently we were supposed to 'ask back'. I told both of them that I loved them and valued their input in my children's lives but having such a small family myself, I thought this was an opportunity to 'expand it'. I tried to explain that my personal feelings are that our DCs already have BIL and SIL as Aunt and Uncle. This explanation was not well received either. I then want on to say that actually, I thought having godparents who were already family was a bit of a wasted opportunity. I was made to feel a bit cold and as though I didn't understand how 'real families' worked. We let it slide...

Now we have started talking about pinning down dates, and are back to the elephant in the room. Yesterday my MIL started shit stirring talking about how BIL and SIL are so upset that they might not be godparents and BIL and SIL have actually been quite spiteful, telling anyone who will listen that I am choosing my friends because they are 'wealthy girls from west london, not working class people from essex' . This is absolute bollocks.

Finally, I called SIL tonight and told her (again) why I wanted to ask my friends. That it was not because we didn't want her, but I felt we already had her in her role as Aunt etc. She pointed out that girls can have two godmothers to which I replied "yes, you are right, they can". This was supposed to be non committal but 10 mins later we got a call from MIL saying "oh I am so pleased you have asked BIL & SIL to be godmother. it was the right thing to do"

I feel a bit sick. I could bite the bullet and let it go ahead but I know it will always make me angry as it was not our decision and we are being railroaded. On the other hand, I can't face another stupid conversation about me picking my 'mates because they are posh'. They're not and it's irrelevant.

AIBU to just roll with it even though the principal of the thing is now making me really cross.

Don't think there is a limit to the number you can have - so perhaps you could have both as Tigitigi says. Our daughters ended up with four each & neither vicar (we moved house) objected.

Me & my siblings have a mix of family & non family GPs - our family ones always made a special effort with their grandchildren - so it did still feel like a special bond. I agree that your SIL/BIL/MIL are being interfering and annoying, but I think I'd take you dh's view and go for the easy/make everyone happy road at this stage....

Oh FFS they are being childish, self-centred, and moronic. I would not want people who were so egotistical to be godparents to my children. My SIL recently complained that she's not a gmother to our kids - my brother is, but that still leaves four other siblings of mine and my dh's who aren't godparents and haven't complained about it. Despite DH being gfather to one of their kids. Hmm...this is all sounding very complicated!

I'm amazed that they're genuinely happy now at having finally been 'asked' to be godparents; do they have no shame? If I had to cajole someone into letting me be a godparent I'd be mortified. They sound like proper eejits.

Oh and FWIW I don't think choosing a family member is a waste, I think (when the choice is made without emotional blackmail!) it's an indication of the closeness you feel to that person.

My brothers and I all have Godparents who are unrelated to us/our parents. My parents have a number of Godchildren and they are a mixture of nieces/nephews/not.

My DH's Godparents are all family members.

I am Godmother to one of my nieces.

Our DDs have Godparents who are all practising Christians and none of whom are family members. Their legal guardians are someone else entirely!

DD1 has the traditional 3 Godparents, DD2 has 5.

I think any set-up is absolutely fine except perhaps one where, in time to come, a child comes to learn that their Godparents were not selected but self-appointed. No-one will come out of that looking good as it sends far too many mixed messages e.g. people who stamp their foot and bully others get their own way, if someone does something to/for you it is your right to demand the same in return.

Perhaps your SIL & BIL could be told you are happy for them to consider themselves 'bonus' Godparents as it will do no harm for your children to have some extra prayers said on their behalf and you're sure that your DC will be happy to have extras but that your non-family Godparents will be the ones whose names will be given to the vicar (or you could omit telling them this!).

Back in the day (ie., pre-Anglican Reformation, I think), it was considered rather like incest to ask a family member to stand as godparent.

I guess unless you want to pretend you've suddenly become ultra-strict and quasi-medieval, I doubt that helps!

Seriously though, they are being very pushy. Surely they can't expect you to disappoint your girlfriends (whom you've presumably known a long time, maybe even longer than BIL/SIL?).

An Aunty of mine told me to only have family members as Godparents. Friends come and go in your life but family is always there. But with aunts,uncles and cousins coming in at nearly 50 people on my mums side,picking someone is easy! I am Godmother to a cousin,and it has been lovely having a "special" role in her life.
My BFF is godmother to DS2-but she was my birth partner too. That girl knows me,and is a fab Godmother.
What annoys me about your BIL/SIL is them dictating to you what you should do! Outrageous. You pick who you like.

My son's godparents are a mix of both, my best friends the husband of one of the best friends and my late dh's nephew! One of the godmothers is Roman Catholic and i had to check that it was ok for her to be a gp.....

"I also find it weird to ask a married couple to be godfather and godmother to the same child, although we a married couple who one is gp to dd and one to ds."
Why?
We have moved around a lot and don't live near people we have grown up with or our families. We chose godparents for DD becasue they were the right people. The fact that two of them are married to each other is totally irrelevant.

I find it an odd thing to ask family as well, especially if it is a small family. However, one of DD's godmothers is my SIL, again because she is the right person. OH's family think it is odd to choose non family members, but they totally understood our circumstances.

We wanted people who we knew would take their godparenting duties seriously, obviously people who were believers (because that is the whole point of it all) and people we knew would be around for DD many years down the line.

My parents chose non family members for godparents for my sister and myself, but unfortunately didn't manage to keep in touch for more than a few years with some of them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having family as Godparents, if that's what you want to do, but I agree that your BIL and SIL have acted in a very strange and pushy way! You're under no obligation to ask them just because they asked you.

I don't blame you at all for not wanting them to be Godparents, but like a pp, I think I'd be tempted to let them be Godparents as well, since it clearly means so much to them, and as there is no real limit to the number of Godparents you can have.

At the risk of being flamed though, if you're planning a Christening in an Anglican church, parents and Godparents have to make some promises about renouncing evil and turning to Christ - I choose Godparents based on how they are likely to act on those promises (or you could choose a different type of service where no promises are made - like a simple thanksgiving service).

I can see why you feel rail-roaded but honestly, for the sake of family harmony, and for the sake of being the bigger person I would make them godparents.

For this reason each of our 3 DC's has 4 godparents. 2 family members (to keep the peace, who don't act any differently to how they do to their other nieces and nephews) and 2 very close friends appointed by us, different to each child. The family members were there as godparents at their christenings, but since then it's those 2 appointed friends who we view as godparents. It's them who have the special relationship with each child, and are separate figures in their lives from the adults.

This meant we got what we 'wanted' but we also kept the peace.

Also I have 5 godchildren - a mixture of family and friends children. The reality as aunt I cannot easily differentiate how I treat my DN's that are godchildren to their siblngs who aren't (on both sides), because I want to be a good aunt to all of them. It's my friends children who I really take on that special role to.

You have to ask yourself is it really worth upsetting a lot of people over when you can still actually get what you want?

OP, I think you should have your wishes recorded in your wills should anything (God forbid) ever happen to you and your husband.

Re the BIL and SIL, they didn't get what they wanted so they're going down the deliberately obtuse route. Surely it'll feel a hollow victory to them?

I would probably take the philosophical view that as long as you're getting your friends as godparents as well, no harm done.

Me and my sister had godparent from the family, by the time my brother arrived they'd 'used up' all the suitable family members, so he got friends of my parents.

Neither me or my sister are in touch with any of our godparents these days, my brother however is still very regularly in touch with his, they exchange xmas gifts etc....

DD has godparents who are our friends, not family!

The original purpose of godparents was twofold; to ensure the "correct" Christian upbringing of the child (that bit's in the service), and to look after the child should the parents die. It therefore makes sense to me, in the modern era, to choose people who would be in a position to take over from you should disaster strike and who share similar values to you so that your child would be brought up in the manner of which you would approve. Otherwise, there seems little point in choosing them. However you get to choose, no one else. If family members are suitable and you want them as godparents, fine. If not, choose someone else.

Personally, I also dislike "social" christenings, the ones where you know the parents never attend church and never will. Why not cut the pretence and just have a Baby Welcoming party?

I see what you're saying DrSeuss - but then again, the way modern society is, you're hardly likely to get custody of a child because you're the godparent - some other things would have to be taken into consideration!

I haven't seen much of my godmother, though she has always sent me presents/letters at Christmas and my birthday. She was the daughter of a wonderful women who really helped my parents when they were newlyweds with small children. That woman (who was my brother's godmother) died pretty young, very suddenly. If her daughter wasn't my godmother, we might have lost tough, because it is harder to keep in touch with friends than family. As it is, we are all still in touch and it is always lovely to be able to meet up and talk about this woman who can't be around for her own grandchildren.

I think that's a strong argument for having a friend rather than family - it does create an extra tie where there wasn't one before.

If you want the godparents to be your child's guardians in the event of your death, you need to make them legal guardians in your will. You don't need to make them godparents to do that. Lots of the christenings I have attended are purely done because it is the done thing. They have no religious basis. It always seems an odd thing to do to me.

Thank you all. As usual MN has given clarity to my state of

Have spoken to DH again and he has said that he just wants everyone to be happy. He knows it is the easy option but nothing in is family is ever harmonious. He has had a difficult life of his family so for his sake, and nobody else's, I am going to 'allow' SIL and BIL to be additional godparents.

Because the friends I had already asked are lovely and grown up and not petty - they have said "we don't mind, it doesn't make us any less of a godmother". So DCs will get an extra godparent each and we won't have to have people quietly seething over Christmas lunch.

I am fucked off, and actually more than that, shocked that anyone would want to push themselves into that position knowing they were not really wanted, but hey ho.

And to those that asked, the moral guidance thing is actually an issue for me. Politically, socially and morally I am far more in tune with my friends that BIL and SIL but tbh, my friends will have more contact and therefore more influence so that's ok.

And BIL and SIL are not unkind people, just a bit at times

Thank you lovely mners for guiding me through another week in the life of FamilyJaded

well your post hasn't made me any less pissed off on your behalf, SlightlyJaded, but if you're happy, so be it.

i do think people like your SIL and BIL/MIL should be a bit more respectful of what you want though!