to not want to talk about the state of our relationships

[Rillyrillygoodlooking]

an hour before I have to get two small children ready and out the door to preschool?

DH thinks there is a bad atmosphere in our house. My parents are staying for a month (we live on the other side of the world from each other) and DH keeps saying there is a bad atmosphere and asking everyone what is wrong.

Our relationship isn't great. But I don't want to analyse it when I am up to my eyes in washing, breakfast, nappies etc. And then get told that I never want to talk about it.

Also, don't need to be told again that I need to lose weight.

AIBU to what him to shut up?

relationship I mean. We only have one. Or maybe half a one at the mo.

Your DH should not tell you that you need to lose weight. Tis a golden rule. He must always say that you are the prettiest, if you are not as slim as you were before DC, you are still definitely not fat. If you are feeling miserable about your weight he should offer to cook you nice healthy meals and get some nutritious snacks like hummus and oatcakes in. He should offer to look after DCs whilst you go for a swim/exercize of your choice.

You are going to have to find time to talk about your relationship, though. Could your parents babysit whilst you go out for a few dates? Before the school run is NOT a good time, is he mad?!

Only an idiot would think that is a good time to talk about your relationship. However, clearly you need to talk.

Does he tell you that you need to lose weight because he thinks you do, or does he see you getting upset about your weight and he makes comments that are from his POV supportive but you might take the wrong way?

How long have your parents been there ?

Could you get them to sit so you two can talk - properly?

Wow, a month is a long time.

It must be hard having other people in your house for that length of time. How do you feel about them staying?

When you say your DH is asking everyone why there's a bad atmosphere, are you saying you are having problems with your parents? Or is he asking everyone about your relationship?

Agree that any jibes about what he thinks about your weight are hardly going to endear you to him.

Well I think you need to talk to your dh.

Presumably him and your parents are mucking in with the housework etc.

Agree that your parents should babysit so you can go out and talk.

Is there ever a good time to talk ? Probably not. Especially with in-laws there. But I think you need to. Make some time to.

Try not to be nasty. Tell the truth but in a non .. way. I really need help with this, I feel unsupported = a polite way of saying, if you just stopped .... and pulled your bloody weight.. and stop criticising my weight, I might feel a bit better about meself, thanks very much .

or that's what goes on in my head. doubt it goes on in anyone elses !!

WE have moved to NZ, parents have come for Christmas. They do stuff round the house - well my mum does! I am fine with them being here for a month, not sure how DH feels about it. My parents do bicker a lot. When we bicker in front of them DH tries to drag them into it.

WE have discussed our relationship on and off for years. Since having our second child who is 17 months, we haven't been very affectionate. Nothing ever changes. We talk about how we should change our behaviour towards each other and then the next argument we start exactly the same.

He did say that all I think about are the children now. Which I do, as they are small and take up a lot of time.

With the weight thing, I know I should lose weight, I can't stop eating because I feel empty all the time and when we argue I stuff down the biscuits. Then I find it hard to be affectionate as I don't like the way I look.

I think the same as you Oblomov, but have said similar out loud to DH, who then says that I am making it out to be all his fault, for my weight, and why we are the way we are.

Probably I don't want to talk because we will have same conversation we always have.

Are you willing to accept some of his points? Unless you are willing to change your position, and he his, then nothing will happen.

You're eating because you feel empty?

I think the issue goes beyond going on a diet, although that's only armchair psychology. I think you should see a sympathetic doctor or something.

If you are eating for emotional reasons, getting you to lose weight will likely be counter-productive. Making someone feel miserable about eating will make them comfort-eat some more.

Totally. I feel like I really try to change what he picks me up on. I don't think he does.

Tit for tat arguments are really hard to stop as someone has to bite their tongue. But we both want to win. And if its about winning then we are screwed.

It's horrible when you find yourself saying the same things in different arguments, round and round in circles.

Have you tried looking out for the signs and forcing yourself to stay calm?

I know it sounds obvious, but keeping your voice low and just giving neutral statements works for me. It makes it into a discusion rather than argument, even if some of the time it's only coming from my side.

I found it diffuses the situation, which can come up pretty quickly over the most ridiculous things.

You also feel better afterwards for not losing it.

Tell him you don't want to bicker in front of your parents - who does? Use them for babysitting while they are there. Plan for a relaxing evening - is overnight possible? and talk. Re the weight loss. Tell him straight that he is being unhelpful about the whole thing and that telling someone to lose weight is counter productive. Maybe you could agree to meal plan together so that the whole family can eat more healthily. Remember to build in some healthy snacks to replace the biscuits.
If your parents are there for four weeks there should be no question about it allowing you some time alone.