To Be So Angry With My Mother For This?

[mampam]

My mother and I have a very strained relationship at the best of times to be honest.

2 days ago, she turned up unannounced (never just pops in normally), didn't say anything for the first 10 minutes and then announced to me that she and my stepdad have been looking on facebook and have found my real father (I've never known him and she's never told me anything about him).

Not only have they found him but they've been in contact with him and my stepfather has added him as a friend. She didn't say why she had done this but when I said that he hadn't bothered with me for nearly 31 years she leapt to his defence which got my back up as she didn't even try to understand how I might feel about this situation.

I'm absolutely fuming because:
a)I feel it was up to me, when I felt the time was right to find and contact my real father.
b)Why do this when she's rarely even spoken to me about him, I'm nearly 31 years old and suddenly she just announces it like this, no explanation nothing.
c)why is she on facebook looking for her ex-husband and why is my stepdad involved?
d)why has she (or my SD) befriended him on facebook, what has she told him about me??? These are things that I would like to tell him myself, if and when the time was right but I feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands.
e)this may sound weird but my mother is the last person I would want to talk to about it anyway as it is personal to me and me and my mother are not close.

I am going through a whole range of emotions about this man who is my real father as you can imagine and I feel so angry that my mother has thrust this upon me when in my opinion it is none of her business.

Am I being unreasonable? Constuctive comments please as I'm really upset.

God she really sounds like a nut mampam. Makes my mum seem a saint!

I think 'nut' is an understatement when describing my mother!

To cut a long story short I found out that yesterday that when my mother started her relationship with my step father she told my real dad not to get in contact again, that she was moving on with her life.

As a divorced parent I just do not understand why my mother wouldn't let me stay in contact with my RD. In my view when a relationship breaks down you have to do what is best for the children. I can't see how not even letting your child stay in contact by letter with their RD is 'doing the best' you can. Basically it boils down to the fact that it wasn't convenient for my mother and her 'new' relationship to let me stay in contact.

I can't believe how unbelievably selfish that is. I am devestated. I could have had a father but was denied.

(((mampam))) You poor thing. Do you think you will want to contact your RD at some point in the future? Do you think it would help to talk this through with someone? I wonder if there are charities that provide counselling prior to people contacting their RD. A lot for you to get your head around. Take your time to think about what you want to do with this info.

you poor thing. my mother is a drama queen too so can understand. you know you do not have 'to do' anything straight away, give yourself the time you need to get your head around it all, it may be better to communicate with your mother in writing at the mo' to avoid any argument and get the information about why she made some of her decisions

Mango I started counselling about 5 weeks ago, (before this came about) to come to terms with the way my mother treats me so I'll be able to discuss this with my counsellor at my next session.

malachysmum my mother is hiding with her tail between her legs at the moment. No doubt bitching about me and trying to lie her way out of this to anyone who'll listen (this is the norm). I think she needs to just for once do the right thing as a mother, face me and give me some explanations. She won't of course, she'll send in my step dad and they'll both turn it all around as if it's all my fault (again this is the norm).

I feel like I'm grieving for something I never had but should have. Do you think this is normal?

mampam, yes, I think it is perfectly normal and understandable. The good thing is, you did find out she told him to go, and he may not be as uncaring after all. And he is still alive, so that means there is a chance to at least get to know him.

Good luck with it all.

Yes i think it is normal and I am glad you have a counsellor as i think it will be good to discuss it with her. Good luck.

Hi, Mampam, YANBU, Is it possible to get the relevant contact details for your biological dad and then just refuse to engage with your mother and stepdad on this?

I'm a lurker on Stately Homes, and remember your accounts of your mum and her attempts to control you. One thing I think I remember is that you've recently had a baby, is that right? And your mother would not accept that you had childcare etc worked out with your DP and she was not "needed", which she just would not accept - ie, you were preventing her being centre of attention. Did you follow through on distancing yourself from her? If the answer is yes, do you think she's just found a new and utterly below the belt way of getting to you and getting control over you, by dangling this information in front of you and drip feeding you details?

I wonder, does she know you are going to counselling? Do you think that has prompted this contact? Is she trying to rewrite history and paint herself as a good person, in fear that you are criticising her to your counsellor? Perhaps she's fearful that the advised course of action for you would be to cut her out completely. Do you think she thinks you won't do that as long as she has info you might want/need?

(Congratulations, btw, if you have had a baby recently, I seem to recall you did because we were due at the same time )

toad Wow you have a great memory! Congratulations to you too on the birth of your baby. Yes my DD is 6 months old now and you are right she about the childcare thing. She hadn't offered to have the DC when I went into hospital, in fact made it clear she would be working but when she found out I had made alternative arrangements got up on her high horse and was really put out!!
Yes I had started to do a great job of distancing myself from her and then she invited herself to go to Weight Watchers with me. This was a way of insuring that she could see the baby at least once a week (other DC have virtually been ignored since the birth of the baby).

I wonder if she sensed me distancing myself. We hardly even spoke to one another when we'd go to WW but she would invite herself into my house after and spend an hour just totally fixated on dd. Actually sometimes it would be very uncomfortable as she would stroke dd's face in a way that no one would do to somebody elses baby, in fact I wouldn't stroke her face like that. DH also had issues with the way my mother would seem to hold the baby to her breast and then say "you won't get anything from me". It's hard to describe but it is very uncomfortable to watch tbh.

I am certain that she doesn't know that I go to counselling. I just think she knew that I didn't want much to do with her anymore. Not sure if I mentioned that she had said to me that if I wanted to get in contact with my RF then I "would have to" go through the link on my SD's facebook page, so trying to control the situation. Obviously I have done a search through my own FB page. I found him and have made contact. I felt I had to and quickly before my mother put the boot in. He has emailed me and has left it up to me to decide what to do next. He has said he won't contact me again unless he hears from me first.

Don't get me wrong I am happy to have found my real father but I'm also scared, upset, angry and a whole load of other emotions that go along with this kind of thing.

I've hardly slept a wink since my mother dropped this bombshell. I just didn't need it before Christmas, I have enough on my plate as it is, but then my mother knows this. It is all strategic in this pathetic game of hers.

Thank you for the good luck wishes x

YANBU. That old adage "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" comes to mind here.
I say cut out the canker. You need to do what is best for you and your family right now. I reckon it wouldn't hurt to change the locks, batton down the hatches and for six months have nothing to do with her. If you must speak to her, do it on the phone and if she starts to piss you off put the phone down.
FWIW it sounds like you are doing all the right things anyway with the counselling. Just remember this is your life, they are your decisions and you don't have to accept anyone's attempts to make you feel bad. You wouldn't take it at work, why would you take it from a family member.

Thank you radiohelen I do intend to "batten down the hatches" with her. I have to for my own sake.
Hopefully the counselling will help me to find a different way of dealing with her because whatever I've been doing hasn't worked. I've got to come to terms with the fact that she will never change but I can.