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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Be So Angry With My Mother For This?

37 replies

mampam · 02/12/2010 13:27

My mother and I have a very strained relationship at the best of times to be honest.

2 days ago, she turned up unannounced (never just pops in normally), didn't say anything for the first 10 minutes and then announced to me that she and my stepdad have been looking on facebook and have found my real father (I've never known him and she's never told me anything about him).

Not only have they found him but they've been in contact with him and my stepfather has added him as a friend. She didn't say why she had done this but when I said that he hadn't bothered with me for nearly 31 years she leapt to his defence which got my back up as she didn't even try to understand how I might feel about this situation.

I'm absolutely fuming because:
a)I feel it was up to me, when I felt the time was right to find and contact my real father.
b)Why do this when she's rarely even spoken to me about him, I'm nearly 31 years old and suddenly she just announces it like this, no explanation nothing.
c)why is she on facebook looking for her ex-husband and why is my stepdad involved?
d)why has she (or my SD) befriended him on facebook, what has she told him about me??? These are things that I would like to tell him myself, if and when the time was right but I feel like the decision has been taken out of my hands.
e)this may sound weird but my mother is the last person I would want to talk to about it anyway as it is personal to me and me and my mother are not close.

I am going through a whole range of emotions about this man who is my real father as you can imagine and I feel so angry that my mother has thrust this upon me when in my opinion it is none of her business.

Am I being unreasonable? Constuctive comments please as I'm really upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 13:28

Constructive sorry.

OP posts:

EricNorthpolesChristmas · 02/12/2010 13:37

YANBU, can't imagine anyone would think you were being. I have nothing helpful to say really but you have my sympathy. Your mum sounds a bit thoughtless

homeboys · 02/12/2010 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kelly2525 · 02/12/2010 13:44

You still have some control over the situation mampam, what happens next is up to you, if you wish to contact him, then do so, if you dont, then dont, and tell your mother she can do what she wishes regarding your real father and you will do the same, and you expect her to respect that.

If she doesnt like it, tough, take back that control and do things at your pace. I think in this situation the best thing to do is look after number 1, and sod everyone else

takethatlady · 02/12/2010 13:46

YANBU at all OP. This is thoughtless and insensitive behaviour IMO.

What reaction was your mum expecting from you? Did she say she had done this on your behalf, or for herself?

I don't really know what to suggest except that I think you should talk to her and try and work out what her motives were. And then ask her not to talk about you with him and to make it clear that you're not ready to have contact with him at the moment (maybe ever). Surely she can respect that? And if she can't, then you have every right to ask her to leave you totally alone until she does respect you and your wishes.

Really sorry you're in this horrible situation. It sounds like there must be more to it on your mum's side - she must have some reason (however logical/illogical) for suddenly wanting to contact him, and I think you need to find out what that is, if you can.

But just to reiterate - YA most definitely NBU.

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 13:49

Thanks for replying.

I have no idea what started her off on the search, she never gave an explanation.

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Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 13:52

TBH honest I do not want to talk to her right now. And her motives would have been purely selfish - they always are.

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purpleduck · 02/12/2010 13:52

Well, she def handled it badly from your point of view. However if my ex had buggered off, I would be sorely tempted to look him up.

Thing is, as a parent going through divorce myself, there are many many things I would never tell my children about the marriage, break up etc. My ex has threatened to never see the kids again, and if he ever did, I hope I would find the words to be able to deal with it tactfully, and if possible in a way that conveys that their dad loves them, but is a bit broken on the inside. He's not just your dad, he's your mum's ex. There is probably tons that you don't know about.

As for the befriending thing... last time I looked someone up, you couldn't just send a message - you had to make them a friend first.

I agree that just because your mum contacted him - doesn't mean you have to.

Good luck!!!

MadamDeathstare · 02/12/2010 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FindingMyMojo · 02/12/2010 13:55

YANBU - I feel for you, there's enough going on at this time of year emotionally/family wise anyway without forcing this upon you.

Perhaps your Dad did try to make contact over the years but your Mum kept him away & that's why she's overly involving herself & creating this muddle now??

You sound like you know her number anyway - do what YOU want, when YOU want to do it. I'd be VERY cross with her too.

TheProvincialLady · 02/12/2010 13:57

She contacted him because she likes a drama and to be the centre of attention. Or the harbinger of doom. Or to control situations that are essentially nothing to do with her.

I don't blame you for being angry with her, she has acted very badly. I would refuse to discuss the topic with her in any way and I would block her and your stepfather from facebook.

You can still choose not to contact your father, or to contact him. TBH the risk of her telling him things about you is not much more than if he had been in contact with anyone else who knows you, so try not to dwell on that.

What a manipulative woman (your mother, not you!).

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 13:58

Purpleduck I can see where you're coming from but it's not just as simple as he just 'buggered off'. Plus we're talking 30 years down the line. She's been married to my stepdad for over 22 years.

I've been through a divorce myself and know how important it is to cast your own feelings for your ex aside and do what it best for the children.

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Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 14:05

ProvincialLady you have described my mother perfectly. My real father is foreign so no chance of him finding out information about me through other people.

It is my SD's account that she has used to contact him not her own. I am not friends with him (on FB).

I do not mind this man knowing things about me but I want to be the one to tell him if and when I decide to iyswim?

FindingMyMojo I have always suspected that she has kept him away but obviously I cannot 100% confirm that.

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Miggsie · 02/12/2010 14:07

Is your mum, husband and ex trying to put the clock back 35 years and pretend they are all mates again?

At first glance, it sounds like they are getting some big thing among themselves and yet totally ignoring your feelings. They all sound very selfish.

However, from your point of view there must be so many questions, and yes, your mum has found your dad, so SHE can be friends, not to help you know your dad.

It doesn't sound like your mum is any sort of person to talk to, and is she the sort who wants to control access? So if your dad DID want to know you, she'd want to be in the middle? Could what she told you be a lie, or the truth she prefers, and she doesn't want your dad or you talking direct?

I'm not sure how you could find out if your dad asked about you? I wouldn't trust your mum's reply.

You may wish to contact your dad yourself?

Don't trust your mum as a conduit of information...but I think you know that already. If she is a controller in this way then she will NOT have thought about her children at all, just about herself. You only know of your dad via her, she sounds unreliable for accurate info. you may have to talk to your dad without her in the picture.

PenelopeTitsDropped · 02/12/2010 14:09

Your Birth Father may have been denied access by your Mother.
It might not been a case of your Father not wishing/seeking contact. It might be a case of your Mother actively blocking it.Or it might actually be a case that he took a conscious decision to walk away from you.

I don't think you will ever know unless you speak directly to your birth Father.

Don't get drip fed by your Mother/Step Father.
They appear to have the emotional intellegence of an educationally compromised Amoeba.

MadamDeathstare · 02/12/2010 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 14:17

From what I gather (and my info only comes from snippets of what I have heard from other people), my birth father was in his country's Navy and when he got posted away, because he is foreign, he was not allowed (or was stopped by his country, not sure on this one) to come back to the UK.

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SantasENormaSnob · 02/12/2010 14:18

Similar situation with my bio dad and I would hit the roof if my mum did what yours has.

She sounds self absorbed and a drama queen IMO

yanbu

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 14:20

Santas yes that's pretty much how I would describe her definitely.

She turns any situation around so as it is all about her. She feeds off other peoples dramas.

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Lonnie · 02/12/2010 15:07

Actually yes I think you are being a little bit UR here..

you can say you do not wish to have any contact with your birth father that is 100% your choice

but it is your mothers choice if she wants to have contact with her x and I know plenty whom does this on facebook.. I find it weird your step dad has added him as a friend but thats his choice.

I think your mother had to tell you but now it is really up to you what you want to do with this info and if you chose to not do anything thats your choice. its also your right to say to your mum I dont wish any contact with this man and would appriciate you not talking furhter of him

Katisha · 02/12/2010 15:12

There are times when FB is useful and times when it is hugely destructive.
I suggest you make sure all your privacy settings are as you want them, and then don't be pushed into anything.

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 16:16

Bloody FB hey!?!

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takethatlady · 02/12/2010 16:27

Hey mampam totally understand that you don't want to talk to your mum and that you suspect (probably rightly) that she has done this for selfish reasons.

I didn't mean that you should find out why she did it in order to excuse/justify her actions. I just mean that it sounds to me like there could be something you need to know about the bottom of all this - that she did in fact keep him away from you, as others have suggested, or that there's some sort of history you don't know about that might make sense of your past.

Obviously if you don't want to know about this, now or ever, that's totally up to you - just that the question 'why now' would be crossing my mind. It makes me suspect there's more to this than simple manipulation. She might be being manipulative, but there might also be a reason/motive that might directly affect you or be of interest of you.

takethatlady · 02/12/2010 16:28

at the bottom of all this, not about its bottom

Original poster

mampam · 02/12/2010 16:34

I'm not so sure that there is a deeper meaning to this TBH. She told me years ago that she checks the local phone books every year to see if my older brothers dad's name is listed in it! I expect that she's done a search for him on FB too.

Good point though takethatlady

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